Family

Last week, “Mary” wrote in to ask how other Latter-day Saints navigate the gray shoals of gospel living. If you missed her letter read it here. Mary wanted to know how other Church members decide what to do in the vast areas where there aren’t specific laws to cover a subject. She mentioned caffeinated beverages, R-rated movies, and shopping on Sunday as possible gray areas.

I didn’t want to go near this topic, expecting it could get very ugly, very fast. So I was surprised and pleased to see that without exception, every letter I received over the week was positive and helpful. People, you made my week!

Here’s what readers had to say. Next week we’re off to a new topic, but this one has been a good one despite my trepidation.

Living in a country where Latter-day Saints are pretty much a rarity, I deal with this subject a lot. Humour works for me.

I tell the non-Coke drinkers that I haven’t reached their level of spiritual maturity yet. Otherwise I ask them if it’s in the temple recommend questions. Shopping on a Sunday is not a gray area for me because the scriptures are pretty clear on that.

As a Seminary teacher I have always emphasised to the students that they should be mindful of what their parents have taught them. For me, personally, I put these kinds of questions to the triple whammy test: If the Prophets, Scriptures and the Spirit agree, I have no further argument.

Browbeaters will always be around, so it’s up to each of us to do our own personal research and make an informed and intelligent decision. P.S. If you’re drinking 2 litres of cola a day, go to the nearest browbeaters and ask them for their best and most severe lecture.

Moderation

What a delightful letter to start the topic, Moderation! Humor is a wonderful thing.

As for spiritual maturity, when after the movie Titanic came out, I mentioned seeing it to a friend. She told me that when I was as spiritually mature as she was, I wouldn’t watch such garbage. Then she went on to tell me that her husband was in the same boat I was because he enjoyed watching Westerns. When I stopped to consider that her husband was the stake patriarch, I decided I was in good company.

The letter from Mary about deciding what is an absolute command and what is a recommendation from general authorities caught my eye.

When I was young, a senior apostle spoke at a stake conference I attended, and he said that the general authorities often agonize over their wording. He said that when they used the words “recommend” and “advise,” then that’s exactly what they were doing – recommending and advising. I have discovered through my life, however, that their recommendations and advisements are often far wiser than my own understanding.

That said, we all still understand things differently. There are still “gray areas” where the Lord hasn’t laid down step-by-step every little move we are supposed to make. In these instances, perhaps we should ask ourselves: “What decision favors “me” and what “I” want, and what decision favors the Lord and the spirit and intent of whatever particular commandment is in question.

In my own personal life, I’d rather err in favor of the Lord as opposed to my own whims and fancies – it always tends to be the better decision.

Bruce Forbes

It would be awfully hard to be a general authority and have people parse every sentence and weigh every word, Bruce. Thanks for reminding us of one other reason we should be thankful for all they sacrifice in our behalf.

 

I think the most important factor in making these decisions is the influence of the Holy Ghost. Once you are sure that you are keeping the “black and white” commandments, and have thought about your family situation (sometimes one must be more strict when being an example for children or others who may be “weaker in the faith”), the inspiration of the Holy Ghost is the most important factor in determining our behavior in the so-called grey areas.

We might be inspired in different ways during different times of our lives. If we are really familiar with the scriptures and teachings of the prophets, the Holy Ghost can inspire us.

As a double check, I believe the Holy Ghost will not inspire us to break commandments that are the “black and white” kind, so obeying these is vital to keeping the Spirit with us. The Lord does not command in all things, He has said; He has given us reason and love to guide our actions in many instances. We must be very careful not to judge others because we do not know their spiritual maturity or their current or past situations.

Penny in Rainier

I really liked the way you mentioned in two separate places in your letter, Penny, that circumstances can change depending on a person’s family situation and on a person’s stage of life. Human beings aren’t static. Our lives are always changing, and the rules change with them. The Holy Ghost, however, will never steer us wrong.

I don’t automatically assume that everything I hear in conference (or sacrament meeting) is automatically doctrine. I try to take everything on a case-by-case basis.

Is the “pronouncement” being presented as a revelation or just as part of a conference (or sacrament meeting) talk? Is it presented as an explanation/clarification of a prior revelation or just, “Hey, this is what I do”?

I may hear a pronouncement that we should not do something – then I do it anyway. If I have an uncomfortable feeling afterwards I usually tell myself, “Well, that’s more than opinion and I should probably think about this again.” Shopping on Sunday is a good example. If I need medicine, I do not at all feel guilty about shopping on Sunday, figuring the purchase was a necessity that could not wait for Monday.

I don’t disparage others who do treat everything they hear from the pulpit is Gospel. I assume that person has searched his own conscience and prayed, and come up with the best decision for himself.

Jody Carlson

Fairfax, Virginia

That’s a wise decision, Jody. I have wondered several times what certain church members did a few years ago when one of the senior apostles told us in a conference address never to use the word “Mormon,” only to have the second speaker afterwards (also a senior apostle) use the word “Mormon” in his talk. I think a lot of by-the-book Latter-day Saints had sensory overload on that one!

I think there are fewer “gray areas” than we like to think. I’ve had this discussion (argument) with acquaintances who try to rationalize a poor behavior or nurse along a favorite sin. And I confess I’ve claimed to see a “gray area” when I didn’t want to do something difficult.

I think it’s simple, as everything in the gospel is: If the First Presidency or Quorum of the Twelve state something from the pulpit in General Conference, that’s pretty reliable doctrine.

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  In other speeches and talks, they’ll frequently say, “In my opinion.” That’s different.

It’s easy to find points of doctrine; just do a search on LDS.org and see what’s been taught in the past in Conference and lesson manuals.

If the answer to the question isn’t there, then make it a matter of sincere prayer. You’ll get an answer from the Lord quite clearly, if that’s what you really want. People who balk at this advice do so because, I suspect, they really don’t want an answer or to “give away all their sins” to know God.

If someone questions your decisions, such as not to drink caffeine or shop on Sunday or watch rated R-movies (which has been addressed), you need not argue as to what GA said not to do those things. A simple statement of, “My body, mind, and soul feel better when I abstain from (x,y,z). This is how I choose to honor my covenants and feel closer to the Lord.”

No argument, no judgment.

Trish Mercer

I love what you said about refusing to get into an argument, Trish. I also suspect, as you do, that some people who ask the questions don’t really want the answers.

When I read about this debate I was a bit puzzled. My first reaction was a big question mark of surprise. In our Article of Faith it is stated that we follow the dictates of our own conscience and that we follow the admonitions of Paul. Our church leaders admonish many things, but we are free to choose as always.

My own criterion for most things is to ask if the Saviour would approve. Would he stand by me in this? I think that makes it a much easier choice to make.

I know the Saviour would not stand by me at an X-rated movie, or in a bar because friends are there or in any unclean place that my spirit would take offense. Slasher movies might be one example. I personally feel this offends my spirit, but I know that others are not so affected.

We all have good Latter-day Saint friends that choose to make different choices. One good choice is to respect the choices of others even if they do go against our own propriety. I think when we love one another, and serve the Lord with all our hearts, good and right choices come automatically.

Indeed there are grey areas like … should I drink Coca Cola or other soft drinks loaded with caffeine. The Word of Wisdom states “hot drinks.” Is that because of the caffeine or the heat? How about hot chocolate? That also has caffeine and heat. I know many saints just go without all of it and be done with it. It is like cigarettes or alcohol, what you never have you never miss.

I think it is safe to stand on the words of our Apostles and our Prophet. They speak as did our apostles and prophets of old, with the same authority. When we read the scriptures of old, we take that as gospel. Our modern day apostles and prophets also write many inspired gospel messages that in my own opinion, as we have been taught, should be taken as scripture of the day. We cannot go wrong standing on their words of wisdom and admonishment for this latter day.

As for other writings by other well-known member figures, we must take what we need and leave the rest. That has always been my rule of thumb. Putting things simply, there is no debate about right and wrong, and the Holy Ghost will always assist us in making right choices. When we are confused, prayer is the best place to go for assurance about our choices. The Holy Ghost will take care of the rest.

I think that Latter-day Saints in good standing, who hold temple recommends and attend sacrament meetings regularly, are given the gift of discernment on these matters. I think we all know deep down in our heart of hearts when something just is not right in the eyes of the Lord, who after all is said and done, is the only one that counts.

Canadian Reader in Belleville, Ontario

I like what you said, CR, about people being affected by different things in different ways. I had to stop reading true crime books because I got too focused on them, but the same books don’t affect other people that way. We don’t have a one-size-fits-all world, that’s for sure! But no matter what our spiritual size or shape, we all have the power of spiritual discernment.

This is an interesting subject. I will give you an example of a gray area in my own life. I joined the Church many years ago because of a very good friend’s example and testimony. We were both single at the time, but she was adamant that the Church taught there should be no birth control. I didn’t know any better and thought that was a gospel edict. However, I didn’t feel personally that it was a wise decision.

Time went on. I married and had four children. I didn’t live near any family, and my children were very high maintenance. My oldest was special needs with a lot of therapy included in his care. My two middle children were extremely active, and my youngest was diagnosed with ADHD.

Birth control became very uppermost in my mind. How could I have a good relationship with my husband when I didn’t feel I could handle any more children? By the way, I had seen the play, “Saturday’s Warrior,” and its stand on birth control. I loved the music from this play but became distraught thinking of my own situation.

I finally went to talk to my bishop. He realized that I had a lot of concerns in this area and the bishop decided that I needed to talk to a general authority who was coming for our stake conference. This was many years ago, and the general authority was Mark E. Peterson. I will never forget talking to him. He had beautiful, kind eyes that I felt represented the Savior.

Elder Peterson was so loving in talking to me. He told me that this matter was only between me, my mate, and the Lord. The Church would not deem to interfere in this decision. It was up to us to make it a matter of prayer and come to our own decision. I loved that interview with him. I never will forget the peace it brought to me.

Although I will always be grateful to my friend for introducing me to the gospel, I will also be grateful for a wise bishop. He made the appointment with the general authority for me that changed my life and put in perspective a dilemma that I had been agonizing over.

I think all gray areas should be a matter of prayer, and you do what is best for you.

Jean

Thanks for sharing that story, Jean. It will answer questions for a lot of people.

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As a newly baptized member at the University of Florida in 1962, there were so few of us on a campus known for high living that we had to use our common sense in dealing with that alternate lifestyle. I quickly found that the Church published some great pamphlets (now of course there is LDS.org.) where the official position is stated on practically anything. By “official” I mean under the direction of the First Presidency, presented in General Conference, or in the Ensign. I quickly found that the official statements did not change as a result of the latest politically correct fad.

So for the past 50 years, unless it is an official LDS position, it becomes an exercise of my free agency to determine if the newest information is fact or fiction. That means casual conversations with those who are being human, feel-good books, and others who may be trying to sell me something are secondary sources for understanding the Church teachings.

If something confuses me, I must go to the facts published by the institution that holds my membership – the LDS Church. I don’t have time to be enticed or to find confusion in wayward thinking. I know this is not a mysterious method but it has saved my sanity, keeps my wallet from being emptied, and keeps me focused on the important goals of life eternal.

Well Read and Not Confused

Thanks for reminding us to check on LDS.org. Most of us, myself included, often forget the value of that vital resource.

I want to state that this exact argument has been going on in my family for years.

One thing that I want to point out about caffeinated beverages, is that there was a time when one of the main ingredients of all caffeinated beverages was cocaine. However, they no longer add it to their products, and so it is no longer an issue.

Back to the question at hand…

I would like to share an article from the Friend magazine a few years ago.

My point of sharing this story is not to start a debate on modesty, but to let you know that Heavenly Father would prefer that if we have issues with church guidelines, to study and pray about them. He has said that if we lack wisdom, to ask Him, and he will not rebuff us, but will answer. (see James 1:5).

These same principles apply to not just doctrines, but church guidelines as well.

I hope this helps.

Lisa in California

Thanks for sharing the story, Lisa. That’s something all of us can understand.

When all is said and done much is said and little is done. Among the LDS as among our Jewish brethren there are factions. There are the liberals, the orthodox and the ultra-orthodox. (See Orson Scott Card’s
Saintspeak  for explanations.) Some of the ultra-orthodox among us indulge in gospel hobbies. Elder Oaks devoted a general conference talk to this topic. I highly recommend reading it .

God expects us to be adults. He expects us to understand and use our agency for good. He has given us commandments and advice. One of our goals as Latter-day Saints is to live worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost. So do your choices invite the companionship of the Holy Ghost? This is the true measure. All the rest is fuss and feathers.

Jule

Thanks for some great references, Jule. It was wonderful to be reminded of both of them, and younger Church members will enjoy discovering Saintspeak for the first time.

This should prove to be a valuable discussion. For me, the following example helps me to resolve the conflicts in the gray areas of life.

Suppose the phone rings and your dad says, “If that is for me, tell them I am not here.”

Which command do you obey?

            “Honor your father and mother” or

            “Thou shalt not bear false witness”?

The scriptures give us a good example of how to deal with such conflicts. (1 Ne 4:6-18) Nephi, was certainly aware the commandment not to kill, yet he killed Laban! How did he arrive at that decision?

I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban; but I said in my heart: Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him. The Spirit said unto him: two more times, “the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands.” “Behold the Lord slayeth the wicked to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.” (1Ne 4:13)

It was the Lord, through Nephi, who slew Laban. Through the promptings of the Spirit, Nephi learned the will of the Lord.

Isn’t having His Spirit to be with us one of the main purposes of the sacrament?

We covenant to take upon us His name, to keep His commandments and always remember Him and He promises “That they may have His Spirit to be with them.”

In the gray areas of life, good and valid arguments can be made on both sides of the issue. However,

that which is most important is to discern the will of the Lord. Simply learn what He wants and do that.

Sometimes we may not feel worthy of His promptings. However, He always leaves the door open to our sincere request for help. It is true that by our allowing the noisy world into our lives, it becomes difficult to hear that still, small voice.

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Yet, it will always be there. We just need to be still and listen.

One more thing to consider is that we are all individuals; not all have the same gifts, talents or abilities. Some of the things I thoroughly enjoy are disasters to my allergy-prone wife. So in many of these “gray” areas of life, the same answer may not equally apply.

The Lord gave us agency. He expects us to use it according to the promptings we receive. He knows what He has given us and He will judge our use of agency accordingly. (1 Corinthians 12; Ephesians 4:11-16; D&C 84:109-110; Moroni 10)

For myself, I try to back everything up with scripture or what the Brethren say in conference talks with help from listening to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. As for people who are militant and/or Pharisaical, I just act puzzled or clueless and let the comments pass. Usually a person who is fanatic (and emotive about it) is new in the gospel and excited about it. At least that’s how I explain my years of spouting off about how each person should live the gospel.

Then I had a dream in which I was taught to “tend my own garden.” I puzzled over that all day and realized I was making my husband’s righteousness my job and it’s not. (And not just my husband; I was on a crusade to help everyone be better. Please don’t judge me; I was new!)

Eventually I figured out who has that job. I think of the Holy Spirit as the “behavior modification” arm of the Godhead. He gives us warm fuzzies when we’re on the right track and a dark cloud over the head when we’re off track. Promptings from the Spirit can guide us to opportunities for repentance as well as opportunities for service.

And no matter what my opinion is, I am not entitled to revelation for anyone outside my stewardship. My job in the gospel is to be loving and supportive – even to the Pharisees – and let the Holy Ghost do His job. I am not the morals police or the gnat-minder or the nitpicker of the gospel. I have enough work to do keeping myself reined in! If you want a gospel that spells out all the details for you, look to the Old Testament.

D&C 45:57 says, “For they that are wise and… have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide and have not been deceived…. shall abide the day”. That became the bottom line for me. It helps us sort fact from rumor and apply the rules to our own selves. That relationship needs to be fed with scripture study, church attendance, listening to conference talks so you don’t wander off course or go crazy with a “gospel hobby.” The Holy Spirit will help you see what counsel applies to you today.

Well, I love the gospel of Jesus Christ and am so thankful for the scriptures and the restored gospel in my life. Pass me a Pepsi; I’m exhausted from all this writing and editing.

Leah

Somewhere in Washington State

Your letter was stellar, Leah. Your dream could apply to all of us, and thanks for the reminder that if we want everything spelled out for us, we always have the Old Testament.

I love that Mary asked this question, as it is something I’ve been pondering for the past year or so. The answer I received concerning doctrine came from studying the New Testament. Then, surprisingly, my own thoughts were directly reinforced and clarified in our Spring 2012 General Conference.

As I read through the New Testament at the beginning of this year, I was struck by two stories. The first was the revelation to Peter giving permission to teach the Gentiles, and the second was the ousting of the law of circumcision. They struck me hard because I knew these revelations changed strict commandments (or should we call them doctrines) from the Old Testament.

Questions began filling my mind. What is doctrine? How does it relate to church policy? If church policy changes from one dispensation to the next, it must mean that some policies we currently embrace are not really doctrine, right?

In the midst of these swirling questions, I remembered a wonderful Meridian Article by Susan Law Corpany that made me laugh, made some excellent points, and further encouraged me to find some answers about doctrine. All I knew for certain was that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, but the commandments he gives to his children in different dispensations are not. I figured that this is why we need a prophet to guide us and let us know what we are supposed to do today. I also figured that everything we are asked to do must not be essential for salvation (i.e. if circumcision isn’t required now, that must mean it isn’t essential to enter the Celestial Kingdom).

With these questions and budding answers in my mind, I was primed for Elder D. Todd Christofferson’s talk given in April 2012 conference entitled “The Doctrine of Christ.“ To my astonishment, he referenced the exact New Testament stories I had been pondering! (This is one example of very direct answers being given during conference.)

I wholeheartedly recommend that Mary and all other “doctrine” seekers read this talk. In a nutshell, the core doctrine of Christ as stated by Christ in The Book of Mormon is “to repent and believeth in me. And whoso believeth in me, and is baptized, the same shall be saved.” All other things are “appendages,” as Joseph Smith taught.

Elder Christofferson went on to say that doctrine can continue to be established by revelation to those with apostolic authority, but “at the same time, it should be remembered that not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine.” Single, obscure statements by church leaders are personal opinion, but true revelation can be discerned through the Holy Ghost over time. This was reiterated again this past weekend by Elder Neil L. Anderson.

The take-home message for me after hearing this talk was that church leaders speaking through inspired revelation can establish and clarify doctrine, but just because a statement came from a General Authority’s mouth does not mean it is doctrine. As members of the Church, we often interpret every statement from church leaders as doctrine in our desire to uphold and sustain our leaders, but by doing so, we forget that these men are mortals who are inspired, but who could make mistakes.

Elders Christofferson and Anderson helped me realize this truth. Also, some things get “doctrinized” as a result of regional or ward practices, but those things are usually not required for salvation and shouldn’t be lauded as doctrine. Follow the revelation of the Prophet – that’s the key.

Knowing that some statements are opinions, and some church practices are good but not essential for salvation helps me keep things in perspective and refrain from judging other people for their decisions.

Same Question

Thanks for some terrific insights, Same.I’m glad you sent the links, too, so people can follow your thoughts even more closely.

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To answer those “gray” areas for myself I turn to the scriptures and prayer. I realize that tends to be a “pad” answer, but it is the best true source I know!

Sometimes requiring deep research and reflection, it usually boils down to asking myself what my own conviction level is going to be, based on my research.

Only I can answer that in my own heart and when in tune with the spirit, that “truth” will be made known between God and myself and it will no longer be a “gray area.”

Studying

Thanks for reminding us, Studying, that it helps to ask ourselves what our “conviction level” is going to be before we research a subject. Ferreting out our own biases is often a big help.

On the subject of how to respond to those who strongly insist that theirs is the correct understanding.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is as dynamic as its creator and is universally applicable one individual, one family at a time. You know – you know milk vs. meat, correct principles, and other scriptures.

Now being a regular hypocrite, and guilty of having strong opinions, and less than fond of others’ strong opinions, and much better at giving advice than taking it, here’s my own personal observation:

On those all-too-rare occasions when I do happen to notice “the beam” and am in tune with Joshua 24:15 (…as for me and my house…), I am much more able to let others’ opinions simply “roll off.” And perhaps more importantly, I’m less inclined to offer such opinions.

Regular Person

We all have those beams, Regular. The trick, as you’ve discovered, is remembering to look for them in our haste to look for everyone else’s motes.

Kathy, I give information the “Thus saith the Lord” test. If it is said in general conference, written in the Ensign or Liahona, or read from the pulpit in a letter from the First Presidency, I take it as inspired. If
someone tells me they heard that a general authority said something but can’t tell me who or when, then I take it to the Lord in prayer. Then I wait for an answer. He always answers.

This is the best way I know to find out His will, and then I don’t worry about other people’s opinions as to what is right. I get it straight from the Lord or his servants.

AZ Reader

You make it sound easy, Reader. Actually, if you do it that way, it is easy. Or it can be!

I think that one of the best tests of whether something is direction from the brethren’s revelatory stewardship or not is whether it comes over the pulpit at GENERAL CONFERENCE (or in the Ensign); also whether it has come from more than one of the brethren.

For instance, the question of shopping on Sundays is a case in point. It’s true that the Ten Commandments don’t say, “Thou Shalt Not Go to the Store on Sundays.” There weren’t any stores. It says, “keep the Sabbath Day holy.” The principle is given, and the application of doctrine is the calling of the Lord’s servants. Over and over again, over the decades, they have asked us not to do our shopping on Sundays, not to choose our recreational pursuits on the Sabbath. They have spoken of the promised blessings that will come from obedience to the principle.

Some counsel is given in wisdom, and it would be wise to follow it, but might have to be considered and adapted to individual circumstance. The Word of Wisdom has been set as a commandment for us, in terms of what we must not do, but the counsel, for instance, that wheat is the grain most made for man may not help us. It speaks to how the human body is designed if all things work as they should, but if your individual human body has celiac disease, and doesn’t work as it’s supposed to, then you should not, emphatically not, eat wheat or any other grain with gluten in it which will destroy your health and make you less able to do the work God has for you.

The test of whether something is meant for you is always the answer that comes from the Spirit. Those answers aren’t always what we want to hear, and we need to be honest enough to acknowledge that and bring ourselves to ask anyway. Identify, is there a righteous principle involved, or merely a personal preference? Would accepting this counsel bless me or my family spiritually?

If we see someone else who seems to be “missing the boat” in our opinion, or struggling with something we think we could help with, the right way to approach that is with prayer, gentleness, and love – and then share our own experience and let them take it into their own thought processes if they will. They might not, or they might not seem to yet, but if guided by the Spirit it will still be okay. The right way is not to declare from a position of superiority, run roughshod over their feelings, and forget their agency.

The wonderful promise is that our Father in Heaven will guide us. He knows what matters and where any particular person is in readiness, and who can be in a position to make a difference. It might be you, right now (which might scare you)! It might not, right now, which may frustrate you; but that’s all right. Our only unchanging job is to love and be open. You might be the one in need of direction, and someone else will make a difference at the right moment for you.

Elder Bruce R. McConkie said once that the counsel to follow is that which has come from the Lord’s servants most recently. Even the leaders of the Church learn and ask new questions, which bring clearer answers than those in times past. Even if they might be working on incomplete knowledge, I believe that we will be blessed by following the counsel of our priesthood leaders and trust the Lord to direct them if or when alteration is needed.

MJS in WA

Thanks for reminding us, MJS, that “most recently” is an important criterion. I once read an old, old conference talk where one of the general authorities recommended that we all put ponds on our properties and raise fish. Even President Kimball’s advice to “paint your barns” wouldn’t be nearly as applicable today, in a church where barns are few and far between.

Okay, people, we’ve had a lovely and civilized discussion on this topic. Next week we have a new one.   Such excitement!

Until next week –

Kathy

Abraham J. Heschel

  

Want more Kathryn H. Kidd? Visit www.planetkathy.com to read her blog, get free stuff, and participate in the new Ask Madame Kathy forum. Kathy also has a weekly column at the Nauvoo Times (www.nauvootimes.com).