Editor’s note: The following is Greg Vandagriff’s second chapter in his account of being delivered from the depression which had bound him since he was a young teenager. It is offered as a “peer experience” for young people like him and has been successful in helping many teenagers and young adults to identify the illness and to seek professional help. If you missed the introduction and chapter 1 of Deliverance, you can read them here Please feel free to respond to any of the authors through G.G.’s website at www.GGVandagriff.com.
I feel that there are very few things in life that can compare to the misery associated with the emotion of hopelessness. For me, at least, one of the most major manifestations of my clinical depression as a significant lack of hope regarding most everything.
I don’t know exactly when this cloud of hopelessness descended upon me, but by the time I was in junior high, I did not have hope that I would ever achieve much success in any aspect of my life. This led to my forming a fairly negative, cynical, darkly humorous and sarcastic attitude that replaced whatever attitude I had before.
The frustrating thing is that, looking back, after a short period of time, I really felt that my bleak and biting attitude was just part of my “natural” personality. I thought it was part of the real me.
My perception of my own personality had been skewed by my hopelessness, and of course, I never had hope that I could change that personality, either. Why would I want to, anyway? I had developed the personality to protect my inner insecurities in the first place. It has always been easier to magnify and mock failures of others than to attempt to succeed yourself. And so was my attitude throughout high school and my freshman year in college. The problem with having a negative personality is that inside, you’re always so afraid of failure that you’ll never dare to do great things. This fear spills over into your relationships and you tend to drain those around you of their hope. Those who are doing great things will, in turn, generally choose not to hang around you as they become aware of your cynicism.
And so there you are, embracing hopeless mediocrity in your lifestyle, friendships, and future. As one persists in following this course, I discovered, things do not ever improve. If anything, they get worse, as people progressively settle for less and less, doing less and less with their lives, until all hope is burned out.
When this eventually happened to me, it was devastating. I withdrew from BYU and returned home to seek help and stability. While I would get temporary boosts of hope from my parents and siblings, it never seemed to last. The great problem with clinical depression is that you pour your hope into your emotional bucket, but instead of staying in there like it should, it quickly drains through a hole in the bottom of the bucket, eventually leaving the bucket as empty as it was before.
However, I would learn on my mission that there are ways to keep filling the bucket almost constantly, allowing you to have hope, which leads to faith, which leads to action, which eventually can lead to
success. It is not easy, but it is possible.
I recognized this when I saw that while many missionaries were able to get by with lazy scripture studies and rote prayers and still have the work ethic to get out and work, I was definitely not one of them. I
found a correlation between my desire to work, (which was related to my faith, which in turn was related to my hope) and the consistency with which I was having powerful prayer and meaningful scripture
study.
Did I still get down and depressed? Of course, everyone does. But as long as I was doing my very best to fulfill these two commandments, I could stay on track and on target. I would have a desire to work, to
serve, to lead, to grow, to go and do hard things. The promised blessings for keeping these commandments are so crucial for those struggling with depression as they each result in an abundance of hope. Furthermore, when I chose to fast in addition to these steps, the results could be absolutely incredible!
It is important to note that my scripture study had to really be focused on things that mattered to me the most, and I really made an effort to apply what I learned from them. A casual couple of minutes spent skimming the chapter headings was not sufficient for my needs. I needed to replenish my hope bucket, by drawing deeply from the well of life, and that required effort.
Similarly, my prayers had to be well-thought out and not repetitious, I would go over the events of the day and ask questions, admit and confess mistakes I had made that day, and really tried to make each prayer meaningful and spiritual. It may seem difficult to do at first, but I found that, over time, it became a habit which would blessed my efforts, offering me solace and strength during difficult times across my whole mission.
These two simple principles will allow you to have a choice over your attitude and allow you to really feel more in control of your destiny, both here on earth, and throughout eternity. Try it for a week, and I
guarantee you that, depressed or not, your attitude will be improved. It is important to do it every day; otherwise the water in the hope bucket runs low and it’s difficult to get motivated to do it.
The strategy of reading and praying were, without a doubt, the fundamental building blocks for surviving clinical depression and obtaining a measure of joy from my work as a missionary. The blessings are available to all who diligently fulfill these commandments, regardless of their position or calling.
