Family

By Gary and Joy Lundberg

We’ve never met the person yet who married with the idea of doing everything possible to make his or her spouse miserable.  And yet some people seem to have gradually moved onto that path, and they don’t even realize they’re on it – but their mate certainly does. 

A young married woman recently told us that she can’t figure out what happened to her marriage.  She said, “I was so absolutely in love with him when we were first married but now eight years later it’s just darn hard work keeping it together.  Most of the time I don’t even like him anymore.” 

It’s been said that, “Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance.”  Admittedly, marriage is work, and there’s no way around it – we do have to do the maintenance.  But, oh, are the rewards ever worth it.  Compare it to working at a job that requires your best skill and effort.  Sometimes you come home exhausted from the rigors of the day, but when you pick up the paycheck it’s suddenly all worth it.  Marriage takes sacrifice and effort, but the good part is that when you do the work, everyday can be payday.

And the work isn’t all that hard; in fact, sometimes it’s actually quite simple.  That leads to the secret we want to discuss.  This particular secret has such power that it can almost single-handedly change a miserable marriage into a happy one. 

President Gordon B. Hinckley opened the door to this secret when he said, “If husbands and wives would only give greater emphasis to the virtues that are found in one another and less to the faults, there would be fewer broken hearts, fewer tears, fewer divorces, and much more happiness in the homes of our people.”  (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, p. 322)           

We’re reminded of the story of a young husband who said to his wife, “You don’t make bread like my mom.” She retorted with, “And you don’t make dough like my dad.”  The story makes us laugh, but the reality is that this type of dialogue brings a great deal of hurt to both spouses.  It has all the makings of a verbal duel, with each blow striking deeper and deeper.  This is the opposite of emphasizing the virtues of a spouse.

A few years ago a woman whose marriage was in trouble wrote a letter to Dear Abby.  She said she and her husband were continually arguing, which resulted many nights in her crying herself to sleep.  Her letter went on to say, “One night I couldn’t sleep because I was so upset with him.  All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him.  I knew that if I didn’t banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a long time before I fell asleep.  I decided to think instead of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and placed it in his briefcase. The next morning he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me.  When he came home that evening, he put my list’ in a frame and hung it on the wall.  We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.”

When we notice the positive attributes in our mate then the negatives diminish.  When the good is acknowledge it causes the other person to want to do more good.  This philosophy was put to the test one day when a new client called us to cancel their appointment for marriage counseling.  She said, “We’re getting a divorce, so there’s no need to come.  It’s over.” 

That’s heartbreaking to hear, so the answer to her was, “Before canceling would you be willing to try an experiment?”  She agreed.  She was to spend the next two weeks before the appointment noticing every good thing about her husband that she could and then telling him what she had noticed.  She could acknowledge his hard work to provide for their family and thank him.  If he did any kindness to her or the children she was to notice it and express appreciation for it. If he did a kind deed for a neighbor, hung up his jacket – anything that was good – she was to acknowledge it.  During this time she was to refrain from saying anything negative about her husband to him or anyone else. If, after two weeks of doing this, she still wanted to cancel the appointment then she was to call.  Otherwise, they would come as scheduled.

Two weeks later they showed up for their appointment.  He said, “I don’t know what’s happened but I haven’t been this happy for a long time.  We want to make this marriage work.”  And she said, “We really do love each other and want our marriage to be strong and lasting.”  This simple act of noticing the good paved the way for them to be able to address and resolve some tough issues in their marriage and give their children parents who love each other.

Some may say that she did all the work, but what happens is, when you notice and comment on the good in your mate, he or she cannot help but start noticing and commenting on the good in you. It’s a natural process.  Sometimes it takes a while, but it eventually turns the other person around.  Often very quickly.

So what is the great secret? Focus on the positive!  Not only will it bring joy into your marriage but into every part of your home.  Your children will see the change and they will love the feeling of security it gives them.  They will learn from your example how a happy marriage can be created.  The results will have an amazing generational effect.  It’s a glorious thing when goodness is passed on from one generation to the next.  It reminds us of the country song that says, “I come from a long line of love.”  Maybe that long line can begin in your home today.

In her book The Promise of the Atonement: Cure for Broken Dreams, Ester Rasband said, “[W]e haven’t learned yet that we can love on command and that when we love, we cut people some slack.  We think that love is something that just sort of happens as a matter of inclination.  We forget that we have been commanded to love and that if we couldn’t choose to love we wouldn’t have been commanded to do it.  I think we haven’t allowed ourselves to feel the warmth and comfort of God’s love for us and we fail to recognize our responsibility to give that warmth to others.” 

When we focus on the positive in our spouse we are showing the warmth and love that the Lord continually shows to us.

[Gary and Joy Lundberg invite you to join them at their Autumn Marriage Retreat in Salt Lake City October 14 & 15.  For details visit https://www.garyjoylundberg.com]