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As a life-long member of the Church I’ve been involved in and have witnessed many casual conversations in foyers, cultural halls, classroom, and in a variety of social situations. I’ve also worked with many LDS psychotherapy clients who have recounted hundreds of conversations with fellow Church members to me. Through the years, I’ve noticed certain patterns, even in seemingly benign small talk, that send powerful cultural messages regarding gender, potential, life decisions, and worth. These patterns became even more apparent after I got married and observed the kinds of questions directed to me in comparison to my husband.
Although never (or very, very rarely) meant to be intentionally judgmental, the questions we ask, and to whom we direct our questions, often contain powerful cultural assumptions. Seemingly benign questions have the potential to convey a disapproving and limiting message. To illustrate, I’ve compiled a list of 30 things that female clients, female friends and family members, or I have been asked some version of…but that no one has ever asked my husband.
- How does your wife feel about you working?
- Why do you want to go on a mission?
- Will you go home and change? Your clothes are distracting the sisters.
- Do you realize how blessed you are that your wife will babysit for you?
- You got married so young and still graduated from college? You must have an incredibly supportive wife.
- Your wife has a good job, so why do you work?
- Do you realize that men are just as important as the women of the Church?
- Did you know why God made you so handsome? So women would desire you.
- You’re employed because you have to, right?
- Why are you getting a graduate degree?
- Don’t “let yourself go” after you have kids. You don’t want your wife to start looking elsewhere, do you?
- If you get an advanced degree, aren’t you worried your wife might feel intimidated?
- Have you told your boss that you’re quitting after the baby is born?
- Who’s watching your kids?
- Did you know that your greatest possession is your virtue?
- What are you bringing to the ward potluck dinner tomorrow?
- Oh, so you’re a “working father”?
- How do you feel about someone else raising your child?
- Do you really think your special gifts are best used in the world of commerce, politics, and higher education?
- Do you know how special you are?
- Did you know that you are a son of your Heavenly Mother?
- How do you balance it all?
- Don’t you feel bad for accepting that job? You could be taking it away from a woman who needs to support her family.
- Why do you need to know more about your Heavenly Father? Of course he exists. Isn’t that enough?
- You have somebody else clean your house?
- Have you considered going back to school so you have something to fall back on in case something happens to your wife?
- When it says “women” in books do you know it really means women and men?
- What does your wife do for a living?
- Do you still fit into your wedding tuxedo? We’re going to have a groom’s fashion show at Young Men’s this week.
- I’ve already checked with your wife and she’s said it’s OK, so will you accept this new calling?
Our questions matter. Our assumptions matter. What unintentional messages are these questions sending about other’s choices, roles, potential, and value? How can we improve?
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MaryannNovember 30, 2018
I have been a member of the church all my life (67 years) and I have had VERY few of these questions asked of me. I am wondering where the people live who have been asked these things? I have been invited to bring food to various church events, but since my husband works full time and I work only one day a week, (and our children are grown and gone) that seems pretty fair to me! I have so much more freedom than he does!
DerekNovember 1, 2018
These questions are indeed troubling and completely cringe-worthy, but I really wish people would be willing to look at men's issues as well. I grew up thinking I was less than girls/women because of how our differences were presented to me. What I've seen and the messages I received (granted, not all of these come from the Church): 1. Men need the priesthood to get closer to God whereas women have a natural spirituality (women>men). 2. Boy: "Why do the women have soft chairs?" Leader: "Because they deserve them" (women>men). 3. Why can't you boys be as good as the girls? (the way to be a good boy is to act like a girl). 4. My wife is my better half (women>men). 5. Scenes such as the RS vs. EQ scene in Singles Ward. (women>men). 6. Cleaning a gun when a boy arrives to date your daughter (boys will misbehave unless threatened). 7. Every movie/TV show that shows a father that's either mysteriously absent, a buffoon, or abusive where the mother is kind, wise, strong, overwhelmed, or victimized. 8. Ladies first. (women>men) 9. EQ men subbing in primary, etc. on Mothers Day so that the sisters can enjoy Relief Society meeting for a change but no RS sisters subbing for elders on on Fathers Day (women>men). These messages, though unintended, were very damaging to me as a boy (and I will point out that these messages were received from both sexes—neither men's issues nor women's issues should be considered "women vs. men"). Not all of them originated from Church members per se. I agree we have a culture that is devaluing and degrading women, we simultaneously have a culture that is increasingly telling boys and men that we are less than girls and women. It's so insidious that I feel like it can only be Satanic in origin. Somehow he's managed to convince both men and women that they are unimportant/less than/devalued/insignificant/etc. because of their sex and that only through acting like the opposite sex will they be deemed "good." God teaches us to celebrate what is unique and distinct between sexes, not exalt one over the other. This is my experience and while I won't claim my feelings are universal, I will say that I've heard other men express similar things. Women's issues are absolutely important to be aware of, but so are men's issues. They are complementary, just as we ourselves are.