I spent four and a half years in federal prison for real estate fraud.  I have been asked what it was like to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and go to prison. I love being a member of the church! I have been treated with love and compassion by other members, but it was hard, I felt like a part of me died when I went to prison. So much of who I thought I was, was stripped away. Being away from my family was devastating, and taking responsibility for the damage I had done was excruciating.

There were many times on my journey that I wanted to stay in denial, but denial was one of the reasons I was given a longer sentence. I couldn’t accept the facts. I spent my first 2 years in prison begging God to send me home so I could be a good mother to my children. I was praying to make sense of what happened, and I asked God to help me see the truth. 

It was after a visit with my family that I had the distinct impression that Heavenly Father wanted me to learn how to be a good mother in the situation I was in and stop focusing on going home. That was a game changer for me. I started writing more heartfelt letters to my children. I made a list of the people I had hurt and took responsibility for those things. I told my children that it wasn’t the government’s fault, it was my fault I was in prison, and I asked them to write me letters letting me know how I had hurt them.

I have developed a testimony that is built on a relationship with my Savior now, and my Father in Heaven, not the church. I love the church, but I spent 3 years as the only member of the church at one of the prison compounds I lived at. I prayed with women of all different faiths and was loved and respected there. We were all sisters.

Chad and I were married in a Latter-day Saint temple. We made sacred covenants with our Father in Heaven and were promised power and protection. When I found out I was under investigation for Real Estate fraud I reached out to my bishop, and was loved and supported through the repentance process. I always knew I had a Father in heaven that loved me, but the day I stood in the courtroom was very significant because I felt very alone. Nevertheless, I did my best to repent and live true to those covenants while I was in prison, and I felt that covenant power and protection in a very unique way. 

I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to live with women from all different cultures and faiths, and I’m grateful to live in Utah, with many members of the church. The time I spent in prison helped me figure out what really mattered. I felt the love our Father in Heaven has for people whose burdens were much greater than mine, and I am honored to be one of them. 

I used to worry a lot about what other people thought of me; now I just want to live worthy of the experiences I’ve had. I love people, but my truth is my truth, so what other people think of me isn’t as important anymore.

When I had been in prison for 3 years, and still had at least a year and a half to go, I started feeling tired.

My family was far away, my children were growing up, and it felt like prison was my life. 

I lived in the RDAP (Residential Drug and Alcohol Program) unit. I had been assigned a leadership role; it was my job to help women resolve conflict and communicate effectively. I taught goal setting, and assertive communication classes during the week, and I facilitated 12- step meetings on the weekends. The work I was doing was meaningful; but it was also exhausting. 

 I said a prayer:

Heavenly Father, I’m tired, it’s been a long time. Please help me keep going.

There were many times in prison that I looked forward to the lights going out at night, and I would have long conversations with my Father in Heaven; but this was just a simple plea.

That night I had a dream that I was in a classroom filled with people that I cared about. The room was white, with tall windows and high ceilings. It felt important, and I got the impression that I cared deeply for everyone in the room.

I was anxious to learn and knew the importance of what we were preparing for. I saw myself as a leader and took that responsibility seriously.

 There was a man standing in the front of the class; he was calm and steady, and I knew he was our teacher.

I raised my hand several times to ask questions, and the teacher was patient and seemed to enjoy watching me try to figure things out. There was a warmth and kindness in his countenance, he seemed happy and amused as I continued to try to understand what we would be experiencing.

 “What if we don’t get it right, this is too important to fail; how can we know that we will get it right?” I asked.

 “You can prepare, and it will help you, but you won’t understand how you will feel until you experience it.” He said, “You will make mistakes, but you won’t give up.”

 The teacher walked by and whispered in my ear: “I’m going to marry you someday.” 

 I woke up right then with a feeling of intense joy and happiness!

 I thought about my dream all day, and each time I remembered it, I felt joy and happiness all over again.  

 I wrote in my journal:

I dreamed that I was sitting in a classroom eager to learn, and the teacher whispered in my ear that he was going to marry me someday. I woke up feeling an intense amount of joy, and I continue to feel joy every time I think about the dream. I believe it was an event that took place before I came to earth. Chad was the teacher, but he was different, I can’t even describe how amazing he was. We were in a class to learn about mortality, and I wanted to know what it would be like. When I think about myself preparing for this earthly experience it takes on a whole new level of importance. Chad was wise, I believe he is a strong and brilliant spirit. He knew me, and he picked me; those thoughts give me a feeling of great worth! Sometimes, the divide between heaven and earth is thin in prison, and I am ever grateful for these experiences.

For weeks after I had the dream, I sat in the rec yard and remembered the way I felt. The impression has never left me. When I am struggling, I remember that dream, I re-frame what I am going through, and I am able to see my life from a different perspective.

We are eternal, we prepared for the experiences we are having on this earth before we came here, and we are so much more brilliant than we can see with our natural eyes!

 I wrote a letter to my sister, Kira.

Dear Kira,

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m sitting in my bunk, thinking back on my life. How did I get this old? I’ve heard life starts getting really good when you turn 50; that’s when you don’t care what anyone else thinks anymore. I’m almost there! I’ve been running from past mistakes most of my life, and here I am in federal prison, and there’s nowhere to run. I finally figured out that I was the common denominator in all of my problems. I’ve had some spiritual experiences in prison that have changed me. I had a dream about an experience that I believe took place before we came to earth. Chad was a teacher and had great strength of character. The happiness I felt during that dream is hard to explain. I know that we prepared for the experiences we are having here, and we are brilliant spiritual beings with incredible potential. I don’t just believe it, I know it!