“No one would ever see a drunk, passed out in the gutter, and say, ‘There lies a perfectionist!’ But that’s exactly what I was! If I couldn’t do life perfectly, then I wouldn’t bother even trying.”
These were the words of a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, describing himself before he was “restored to sanity” by the principles and practices of humility contained in the Twelve Steps. I was listening to his story on an audio tape at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting I attended in 1981. I weighed well over 300 pounds. I was praying for the Holy Ghost to protect me from any false ideas on the one hand and to open to my understanding any truths I needed to absorb on the other hand. I was desperate for some clue as to why I could not control my eating behavior for any effective length of time.
I was bowled over by the way the Spirit (of Truth) likened this man’s-this alcoholic man’s-story to me. I heard the following thought go through my mind, “No one would ever watch a 300 pound woman walk by and think, “There walks a perfectionist,” but that is exactly what they would be seeing-a perfectionist!” And I knew the thought was for me and I knew it was true for me. “Humble,” self-depreciating, self-loathing me-I was a perfectionist. How could I tell? Because if I couldn’t eat in the strictest, healthiest, most perfect way possible and be the perfect size ASAP, then forget it! I wouldn’t even try!
To this day, perfectionism continues to be one of my greatest stumbling blocks, continues to undermine my trust of God’s willingness to accept my imperfect performance. In other words, I can still spend inordinate amounts of time and attention stalled out, trying to figure out how to do the one right thing in the one right way-the perfect way. For example, it causes me to feel sick to my stomach when I push the “send” button to submit an article to Meridian ! I mean what if this isn’t the one best way to say this thing? What if it isn’t the one right thing to share this month? What if…
Let me offer a definition of perfectionism: The idolization and worship of perfection, of superiority, which in turn demands one to always think in comparisons and competition and demands unhealthy judgment of what is good, better, best .
Perfectionism Is At the Core of Almost All Addictive Behavior
I know it sounds insane, but it’s true: At the core, in the heart of almost every addict of any variety, there lies a soul that is super-sensitive to imperfection-someone who just can’t accept mortality on such imperfect terms. Almost every addict is running from imperfection in himself or herself and in the world around them. He or she is a person who just can’t figure out why God would allow such a messed up world as this, where so much injustice (imperfection) and unrighteous behavior (more imperfection) could be gotten away with. What was He thinking, anyway?
I think we who have such a self-defeating and outright damning response to imperfection have actually fallen for the very lie that Satan would have perpetrated on the whole human family from the beginning. It is really important to remember that it was his plan to have a mortal life where there would be no allowance for learning by our own experience the good from the evil. He would have had us all be perfect in every way and return to God having learned nothing from our mortal “wilderness” experience. I have come to believe with all my heart that it is Satan, the father of all lies, who is constantly shaming and blaming us for not being perfect and filling us with disgust and abhorrence toward anything less-than-perfect about ourselves or the world around us.
I’ve come to realize that this kind of idolatry of perfection (addiction/dependency upon perfection) only serves to separate a person from God, because our chance to experience imperfection here in mortality is actually His will and according to His purposes.
As I sat in the temple, recently, and pondered the fact that it is Satan-not God-who attempts to terrify me with demands of perfect and immediate adherence to every covenant and principle of the Gospel, I felt impressed to share the following “seed” thoughts in this month’s article. My hope is that something said here will inspire you to reflect and maybe even write a journal entry of your own concerning your thoughts and feelings about perfectionism. How do you feel about our Father’s plan including so much tolerance for imperfection and so much mercy toward His far-less-than-perfect (less than fully mature) children?
The Savior’s Perfect Patience with Our Infirmities/Imperfections
The testimony of the restored gospel reminds me of my original relationship with God-both with my Father and with my Savior. It tries to tell me that, even though I am temporarily a mortal and am tempted by my enemy (the liar, Satan) to be harrowed up by the memory of my many sins (imperfect ways), God still loves me beyond comprehension. God still feels this way toward me: ” Father, forgive them for they (being veiled and under the influence of the liar) know not what they do ” (Luke 23:34).
The restored gospel testifies to me that I can glory in Christ’s robes of righteousness (2 Nephi 4:33), and that He will wrap me round in them and cleanse me in His blood, His pure love, spilled out for me in Gethsemane, on Calvary and even to this day in His unwavering effort to encircle me about in the arms of His love (D&C 6:20). Absorbing the Lord’s humble patience with my imperfection gives me the ability to suffer a temptation, maybe even a slip, forgive it, and go on. Thus, I am able to accumulate days and days of consistent, though imperfect, abstinence from my addiction, and my release from its bondage continues until the day comes when I realize that in patience, even as the scripture promises, possession of my soul has been restored to me (D&C 101:38). I have been rescued by the Savior’s patience and longsuffering from not only my addictive behavior, but from the damning grip of perfectionism.
An Apostolic Witness of the Savior’s Central Role in Recovery from Addiction
I am so grateful for Elder Robert D. Hales’ address in General Conference a couple of weeks ago and for his powerful testimony concerning the reality of addiction and how it contributes to the scourge of debt as we try to buy enough and own enough to feel secure and have self-worth.
In seeking to overcome debt and addictive behaviors, we should remember that addiction is the craving of the natural man, and it can never be satisfied. It is an insatiable appetite. When we are addicted, we seek those worldly possessions or physical pleasures that seem to entice us. But as children of God, our deepest hunger and what we should be seeking is what the Lord alone can provide-His love, His sense of worth, His security, His confidence, His hope in the future, and assurance of His love, which brings us eternal joy.
… The hunger of addiction can only be replaced by our love for Him. He stands ready to help each one of us. “Fear not,” He said, “for you are mine, and I have overcome the world” (D&C 50:41). (Click here.)
For years, as a very active Church member, trying desperately to earn the Lord’s help, I had lost touch with the truth that He was and still is willing to come to one as poor in spirit and faint-hearted as I. Yet, according to Elder Holland, the verb, “to succor” means ” to run to ” someone (Trusting Jesus, Deseret Book, 2003, p. 43).
Jesus, my dearest Friend, my Savior, will run to me! How long will it take me to learn this and never forget it? Probably until the end of my life, since I am so prone to infirmities in mind and body, just like King Benjamin confessed to be. (See Mosiah 2:11.) How grateful I am that King Benjamin was willing to accept and even admit his own imperfection! Following his example, I will lean upon my Savior’s unwavering perfection and trust that as I continue to come unto Him, I will be perfected in Him. (See Moroni 10: 32.) As an addict, you see, He, Jesus Christ, is my only hope. His goodness and merits, and His patience with me are my only hope.
What I have shared today is not theory on or commentary about the Savior’s absolutely essential role in overcoming addiction. It is my testimony of lived experience. I have lived it and know of myself that Elder Hales’ words are 100% true. I humbly add my witness that all who suffer from hunger and thirst of any kind and are willing to admit their need for the personal administration of the Savior, Jesus Christ, will find Him. His words, “I will not leave your comfortless. I will come unto you,” (John 14:18) were not spoken as a bargain or exchange based on our worthiness. They were spoken as a promise based on our willingness to allow Him to deliver us wholly upon His merits.
And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save (2 Nephi 31:19, emphasis added).
Seek Him and ye shall find Him. Cry out to the Father and the Father will send Him. He will come to you and deliver you into a newness of life with Him as His own rescued child. I bear witness of these things with my life and in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
