“A father’s work is child’s play.” This thoughtful observation actually captures a unique truth, the reality that the most important work a man will ever do is within the walls of his own home. How can fathers connect at home in the important work of fathering a child?
Many men become biological fathers; however, successful fathering is the work of a lifetime. There are a few building blocks that might be called the “ABC’s of successful fathering.”
A is for Available
Being around is the first step to being available to your kids. To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E. This may require some effort on the part of a father. Examine your work schedule. Come home a little earlier. Take more time together in the evenings. Children want parents to be available for time with them.
A is for Attentiveness
Attentiveness to your children means paying focused attention to their feelings and activities. Do you know your child’s favorite color? Do you know what activity your child would most like to do with you? Attentiveness is crucial to seeing and following a child’s invitations to be involved. Children are “wired to connect” and being attentive to the small ways they invite us as fathers to be involved helps us to be there for them.
A is for Activities
According to recent research, one of the most significant ways for fathers to connect with their children is through participating in shared activities. Men feel close to their children when they are doing things together that are fun, engaging, or focused on learning. The key is doing something together, not just talking, and this can range from reading to playing checkers to going fishing. Just do somethingtogether.
B is for Big Moments
Be there in the Big Moments of your child’s life. Be there at birth, on birthdays, at school performances. If you want to be a big influence in your child’s life, be there for the big moments. You can be sure that children will be likely to remember if you skip the big moments or ignore them.
B is for Be Playful
Play together! Dads excel at this activity, what I like to call the most under-rated but important aspect of parenting. It builds great relationships and fosters learning. Fathers can challenge a child’s abilities, provide opportunities for growth, and build bonds of connection through play. Play is the primary vehicle for a child’s learning experiences in the first eight to ten years of life, and can supercharge the connections you build with a child.
B is for Be a Model
Fathers are role models, whether they want to be or not, and children learn by observing and imitating. Discuss personal values that you wish to instill in your children. Be a model of good behavior. If you want your children to love others, then extend loving care to them and to others. Children are less likely to pursue values or practices important to us if we ourselves ignore them.
C is for Connection
Connection for fathers occurs through involvement in activities with children, talking, and providing support. Research shows connection is among the most important aspects of parenting. When a child feels connected to you, he or she is much more likely to listen to your counsel and be attentive to the things you encourage.
C is for Communication
Communication is a two-way street. It is not a good sign if the attention turns off when dad’s mouth opens up. It may take some time to establish communication that goes back and forth in a respectful manner with a child, and that means taking time and being there and listening without another agenda. Listening is communication, even if you are not saying something, and it builds the trust needed for two-way communication.
C is for Coaching
A good coach will give counsel, and a father is meant to be a good coach. He will give time and listen. He will create teaching opportunities and share stories. He will introduce new skills. He will be gentle in discipline, firm in his guidance, and clear in his message of support.
The ABC’s of successful fathering provide a foundation point for fathers as they seek to build healthy and caring relationships with the children they love. If you begin with the ABC’s, you are laying the foundation for success.
