“My house, my rules!” Larry responded emphatically when my husband and I happened to meet him downtown and asked how things were going since his twenty-eight-year-old son had moved back home. As we chatted, a number of reasons for instigating such a policy flashed through my mind, and I realized why this father felt so strongly about having such an agreement with his son.
I also thought of our Heavenly Father and His House, the temple. It is required that we abide by His rules if we intend to visit there.
The topic of adult children living at home is a big discussion item for many parents, and they are asking for tips for working out the arrangement successfully. On March 18, 2010, a headline in an Associated Press article in the Salt Lake City Deseret News, read: “Boomerang kids flocking back home.” The headline went on to say, “Number of multigenerational families living together rises during economic downturn.”
In some situations things work out well in a multi-generational household. However, many parents are concerned about adult children who, for reasons beyond the slow economy, may not be progressing in life as they should.
Furthermore, there’s a tendency for some (fortunately not all) adults who live with their parents to revert to acting like “six-year-olds”, wanting Mom and Dad to take care of them. It’s easy for devoted parents to fall into this trap and enable the immature, thoughtless, or irresponsible behavior of their children. This does an injustice to the parents and a disservice to the children. It’s one thing to be helpful to someone, it’s quite another to have someone take advantage of you.
Sometimes, not only do adult children return to their parents’ homes to live but they bring a spouse or even children along. The challenges of this type of multi-generational home are compounded because you’re concerned with an adult (your child’s spouse) who may not be used to your lifestyle and way of doing things, who will have well-established habits that may not be up to your standard, and who probably comes from a very different background. In fact, they may be from an entirely different culture. And children, as adorable and precious as they are, require a major shift in the routine of the household.
As I contemplate some of the possible problems a multi-generation household could present, I recall hearing my mother say, “There’s no kitchen in the world big enough for two women.” Along this same line of thinking, there’s no house anywhere big enough for two families. Inasmuch as you’re probably not able to extend your floor space to provide two kitchens and two houses, it will be imperative for everyone concerned to expand their “heart space” and be willing to adjust and adapt if they want to live in harmony.
Following are some suggestions for consideration if your household fits any of the above descriptions:
First of all, however, I want to state that relationships matter above all else and that each situation is unique. As parents, you will want to prayerfully and carefully deal with your family as you think best.
Having said this, there are some issues that when resolved can make life more pleasant and productive for everyone concerned. You might consider the following suggestions for your sanity and survival and for the self-respect, growth, and progress of your grown children:
- Establish specific expectations (rules) according to whether it will be a short- or long-term stay.
a. What you require regarding gospel standards in your home Honesty
Morality
Language
Word of Wisdom
Music
Entertainment (both electronic and printed material)
Family prayers
Family home evening
Church attendance
b. What you require regarding living standards in your home Cleanliness and order of common areas and shared space
Cleanliness and order of their “own” space
General household chores
Shopping – groceries and supplies
Meal preparation
Snacks
Kitchen clean-up
Laundry
Yard care
Snow removal (where applicable)
Home maintenance
Curfew
c. What you require regarding the financial affairs of the home Room and board fees
Contributions toward food, utilities, maintenance, etc.
Payment of percentage of the rent or mortgage
d. What you require if your child is married and brings a spouse or children to live with you The division of space in your home
The division of responsibility-who does what and who pays for what
Who is in charge-the roles of the parents and grandparents
Child care-occasional baby sitting or full-time responsibility
Discipline
Teaching and training
Financial support
Areas in the home (such as the master bedroom and bath) that are off-limits
Transportation to and from children’s activities, lessons, sports events, etc.
e. What you require regarding miscellaneous matters Visitors
Vehicle parking
Bicycle and sports equipment storage
Pets and their care
Other
- Communicate with candor, humor, and kindness.
Effective communication can be a great opportunity for connections, rather than conflicts, across generations.
There is superficial, but nonetheless important, communication that must occur between adults living together. Grown children should let their parents know things such as whether they will be home for dinner, their whereabouts, and when they plan to return home. This is about courtesy, not control, and mature adults will recognize it as such.
Communication can facilitate daily activities such as, “Will you please pick up a gallon of milk on your way home?”
Deeper communication is also important when people who live together “talk things over.” Sharing their feelings, plans, hopes, dreams, successes and failures can be mutually binding. Heart to heart discussions can connect people, bring about understanding and appreciation for one another, and enable them to lend help and support when necessary.
- Create an atmosphere of mutual support, consideration, appreciation, and love.
Adding these “soft touches” keeps life from being so hard (pardon the pun).
A house becomes a home when there is love inside. Blend the love with fun and laughter, family traditions, and sincere expressions of appreciation and it’s a delightful place for everyone.
- Base the standard of your home on “The Family–A Proclamation to the World” as declared by the First Presidency and Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
We read therein: “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Following are examples of how some parents have responded to the challenge of a multi-generational home:
“Our adult children who live at home give us either $50.00 for expenses or five hours of help each week or a combination of the two.”
“For several reasons, our forty-year-old son lives with us. Once in a while when he becomes a little too ‘pushy’ we have to remind him that we are the Papa and Mama Bears and he is the Baby Bear. We laugh, but he stops trying to tell us what to do.”
“We made the mistake of not discussing specific expectations when our daughter graduated from an out-of-state college and returned to our home to live. This lack of understanding caused a lot of stress and tension and brought out hurtful, pointed remarks between her and us. I feared that we were headed for a crisis. So, one evening the three of us agreed to walk over to a near-by park-away from the interruption of the phone and distractions in the house-and there we engaged in a frank discussion. We each expressed honest feelings and listened as we talked about things from our own perspectives. Many issues were resolved, and we were relieved to find it easier than we thought to back track and start over, so to speak.”
“As parents, we have learned to rely on the power and credibility of quoting from the scriptures and church leaders when our children need counsel. For instance, when discussing the importance of maintaining order in our home we read a statement from Elder Dallin H. Oaks which said, ‘The Holy Ghost, which testifies of the Father and the Son, and leads us into truth, does not communicate effectively in an atmosphere of confusion and disorder. His is the still, small voice.'”
“When our son and his wife moved in we realized that it was important to treat them as a team and to avoid being divisive in anything we did or said. For instance, it was best to talk about serious matters to both our son and his spouse together so no one felt excluded or thought we were talking behind their back.”
“The more our grown children contribute to the functioning of the household and the well-being of the entire family the more cooperative and happy they are. Besides, we’ve all been enriched through their skills and talents. Our son built a beautiful new patio for us and is an ever-ready handyman. His wife, who is Hispanic, delights us by preparing a wonderful dinner once a week with foods reflecting her culture.”
“After our son’s first year of college, we allowed him to live at home for the summer. The three of us agreed on some very simple rules: Clean up after yourself, be respectful, be out of bed by noon, get a part-time job, and be home by 1:00 a.m. The problem was my husband and I were not united. Although I felt we had been very lenient with the rules, my husband and son thought there should be no rules at all. Our son basically was able to do as he pleased because of it, and contention and resentment were the results. Our son now admits he wasted his summer and had to go into debt for the next semester. I feel he lost a valuable chance to learn to relate to his parents and sisters as an adult. If my husband and I had been able to present a united front, our son could have matured a lot in those few months and our family would have reaped the blessings.”
“Experience has taught my husband and me that it’s usually a grave mistake to give grown children, single or married, a free ride. Grown children who return home and are not expected to help in some way may begin to take their parents for granted, expecting to be coddled and waited upon and thus are enabled in being thoughtless and lazy. Additionally, children whose finances are entangled with their parents’ often have a hard time relating to their parents adult- to-adult. They may think their parents should still be responsible for them and their decisions, while also demanding the freedoms of an adult. Parents who are in this type of situation may feel they have the right to more ‘say’ in how their grown children live. This is a sure-fire recipe for disaster and can lead to feelings of resentment on both sides.”
Regarding the issue of money and adult children, there’s a wide range of opinions. I’ve heard parents claim “money never helps,” and I know of parents who freely give money, believing that doing so will ‘rescue’ their children, or that they can “buy” certain behaviors in their children, or that the money is an expression of their love. Personally, I don’t go along with any of these notions. There are times when money truly does make a positive, even blessed difference in someone’s life. And money given freely or unwisely can have a negative effect and enable young adults in their slothfulness, allowing them to be manipulative and ungrateful.
Experiences with our own grown children have taught me that there is a time and place for helping them financially.
Here’s what I believe to be sound principles with regard to money. When grown children have learned life’s lessons about fulfilling responsibilities, keeping commitments, treating others kindly, and managing money properly, I know that my children have truly matured into adults. That is when I would be much more free with financial help. In other words, when I can see through their actions that they are being a good employee, a good renter, a kind family member, a good neighbor, and a good manager of money that is when you can safely become financially involved with them to some extent. That is when you canloan them money for such things as an advanced education, a car, or a down payment on a home, or let them work in the family business without undue concern. You can then choose to be a little generous, if you so desire, and pay for them to travel with you or give them a gift of money. But if you let them come back or give them expensive “treats” before they have solidly learned these lessons, and you are stuck trying to teach them, you will be thrust right back into the old roles of parent and child.
As for helping during economic trials which may thrust parents and children together prematurely, the tips and hints set forth in this article can be helpful in making sure problems are prevented through effective communication.
In summation, as parents of live-in adult children (and their spouses and children), remember that for your sanity and survival, and for their self-respect and growth, it is wise to establish specific expectations; communicate with candor, humor and kindness; create an atmosphere of mutual support, consideration, appreciation, and love; and make the “Proclamation to the Family” the standard of your home. Begin by lovingly, but firmly, declaring “My house, my rules.” You will be glad you did.
* * * * * * * * * * *
p.s. I welcome your questions and contributions; I may address this topic further in this column.
* * * * * * * * * * *
For additional information by Daryl Hoole about encouraging children’s help in the home, click on “Now is the Time to Teach Your Child an Orderly Way of Life”.