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Question
We have an 18-year-old son who recently graduated from high school and has no interest in higher education or vocational training and, when asked about his future plans, tells everyone he’s going to be in a band. He’s a talented musician, but we’re trying to be realistic and help him recognize how hard of a road he’s going to travel if he’s lucky enough to make a living at this. He accuses us of being unsupportive and then he dives deeper into his music. We want to get out of this tug-of-war about his future career and help him succeed. How can we support his plans even though we have no confidence his plans will work out?
Answer
Your role with your son is moving from managing to influencing. It’s easy to believe that we’re influencing, when, in reality, we’re actually trying to manage. Our kids can feel our anxiety for their futures and sometimes respond by pushing away to be more independent. Your son may be headed toward a life you would never choose, but he’s not asking you to choose it. He’s asking you to honor and respect him as an individual.
Whether or not his plans work out isn’t the biggest issue here. Your goal is to stay connected to him along the journey so he can benefit from your influence, experience, and support. He’ll need your love and support if he fails to make a career in music and he’ll also need it if he finds success.
If his goal is financial independence, then trust that he’ll take the necessary steps to accomplish this. If he’s hoping you’ll financially support him while he pursues his music career, then you have to decide if this is a good investment. Either way, it’s likely you’re expecting him to pay his own way in the future, so make it clear how long you’ll financially support him. And, when the time is up to stop sending him money, then hold that boundary so he can truly be financially independent. When he knows that he’s truly on his own financially, he will learn whether or not a career in music makes sense for him.
Here are some other ways you can support him even though you don’t agree with him:
- Encourage him to seek ongoing education. He may only associate education with a traditional school structure. Show him there are lots of educational possibilities around his areas of interest to help him be more prepared for life and encourage him to be a lifelong learner to improve the value he offers to others. There are also other life skills he can continue to learn more about, such as financial management and communication skills.
- Emphasize the need to work hard and have integrity. No matter what he does with his life, hard work will be required. The type of work we all do changes over time as we become more skilled or learn more about our preferences, but a strong work ethic is going to be a constant if he wants to succeed.
- Learn why this direction matters to him. Ask good questions and find out why he believes this is the right path for him. Don’t interrogate him or make him prove his point for your approval. Have genuine curiosity. He may learn more about his own motives and it might strengthen his resolve or cause him to change his mind. You can offer him a loving and supportive environment to explore his future plans.
- Give him your full emotional support. You withholding support and refusing to take an interest in his passion won’t inspire him to choose a different path. He’s old enough to make his decision and you can feel free to attend his performances, show an interest in what he’s doing, and point out his strengths. He’ll need all of the encouragement he can get, even if you don’t think it’s a good path for him. Remember, it’s not your path, so you’re free to just love him.
Like all parents, you want your son to succeed and he’ll need all the support he can get. It’s tough out there, no matter what you do for a career, so having the support of your family makes all the difference in the world.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at [email protected]
If you or a loved one are struggling with the devastating impact of pornography issues, sexual betrayal, and relationship trauma, I have created a 6-part audio program to help married couples strengthen their recovery. You can purchase the 6-hour audio program here for a limited time at the reduced price of $29 – https://geoff-steurer.mykajabi.com/marriage-recovery
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.geoffsteurer.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). Geoff also hosts the Illuminate Podcast (https://soundcloud.com/geoff-steurer/sets/illuminate-podcast) and has produced programs and resources to help couples rebuild broken trust. He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCc05gV4t9A0B8-TDT1EfWhQ?view_as=subscriber
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
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Shaunna TonelliJuly 30, 2019
Having been married to a professional musician for 20 years, we often discussed how the performance degree musicians get in college falls short of actually teaching a performer how to have a career in music. My husband did his doctoral dissertation about entrepreneurship in music to hopefully help fix that problem. The short answer from me (the wife) is that you must think of your sons career like a table top and your son will always have four or five table legs (representing varied streams of income) needed to hold it steadily firm. The more legs he adds, the sturdier it will be. When we were first married Mark had been a professional performer for 7 years and we were able to live on his income. Some of his streams of income were cd sales, gigs, teaching private lessons, teaching as a college adjunct, publishing articles in music magazines and journals, writing and selling arrangements, etc. it was all music related work. If you are worried about your son working hard, I can assure you, it was hard work with long hours, and the hardest part might be generating/finding the work, but it’s doable. He will have to make his own career - if he’s driven he can do it. The biggest challenge we faced was finding affordable health care. We ultimately solved that problem through my employment, but when our children were born, I began staying home, so Mark auditioned for a military band and was hired as the guitarist for the band at the West Point US military academy. If your son is willing to go through basic training, the military does have some great opportunities for musicians. After my husband left the band, he joined Millikin University in Decatur, IL, which has a heavy emphasis on student-run ventures (experiential classes) in which students get hands on experience running performance related businesses while they major in music. I might also add that even though my husband is the head of Millikin’s Guitar program, he still performs on a regular basis, records music, and publishes guitar instructional books. Having multiple income streams will always be part of a musician’s career. Hope it helps to know it can be done.
LINDA ALDERMANJuly 22, 2019
We own a Photo Equipment sales and Photography business (42 years) All our children went to college except for one son. He chose not to attend college. He had a job(s) While in High School and before he left on his mission and when he was soon to return from his Mission,one of the businessmen wrote him and offered him his job back in a print shop, When he returned, he reluctantly took the job but also worked in Insurance sales. My son soon realized his best opportunity was at the Print shop and focused on that.....Long story short, he now owns Quality Printing. He and his wife and 2 children are doing well and he did not have to go to college to make his way. We advised him along the way when he sought out our advice and experience. But he's a self made man and doing well.