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Question
When I married my husband almost 30 years ago, I expected him to oversee our finances and to make wise decisions about money. I worked mostly part-time over the years with several years of full-time work. Whenever we hit the wall financially (which was *most of the time), my husband would take money out of his 401K to pay for things like car repairs. I desperately tried to establish a bank account to set aside money that wouldn’t be touched for our retirement. My husband made withdrawals from this account as well when things got tight. He was laid off from his job and collected unemployment for about six years. During this time he did not look for work. He also took his social security early. We lost about 25% of our future income by doing this. He refused to discuss this with me although I pleaded with him not to jeopardize our future. I didn’t think it was a wise move since all we will have to live on is our social security income. That was one of the biggest fights of our marriage. I stopped working this past year because of a cancer diagnosis. Now he keeps pressuring me to take my social security income early. I don’t want to approach my 80’s with barely anything to live on. We are applying for food stamps and social services. I am so disappointed at the situation we are in towards the latter years of our life. When I married I assumed my husband would my protector and provider.
Answer
I can hear how terrifying it is for you to move into the later years of your life without any financial security. I know that over 30 years of marriage there have been thousands of interactions, decisions, and details that created this current situation. This is a critical crossroad for your marriage. You can either spend your energy trying to find the âbad guyâ, or you can take this opportunity to plan for the rest of your lives together.
You shared two words in your question that I speak volumes about your couples approach to finances. The two words are: âassumedâ and âexpectedâ. It appears that both of you have been operating on unspoken beliefs that have guided your decisions. These beliefs can be so strong that you both move forward unilaterally without involving the other person.
Youâve had some dramatic moments where youâve pled for cooperation and begged him to do things differently. Youâll continue that pattern if you donât slow down the conversation and learn to hear each other in a new way. Itâs not too late for you to come together and figure out new ways to interact. You both have strong beliefs that need to be heard and understood by each other.
While I have no doubt that heâs made some terrible decisions that have put your financial future in jeopardy, bringing these up as a way to change the conversation wonât change anything at all. All you can do is lead with your own accountability. Start by letting him know that you want to respond better to this situation and not fight with him. Own any hurtful behavior youâve in reaction to his decisions. Let him know you want to work with the current reality instead of wringing your hands and panicking. Let him know that you had assumptions and expectations in the beginning of the marriage that were never explored or agreed upon. Heâs obviously had expectations and beliefs about money that have driven his choices. Let him know you want to explore those as well.
You both donât have much time left to salvage your financial future, so getting on the same page is critical. Before you make decisions about what to do with the money, you both have to work to hear each otherâs expectations. Heâs behaving in ways that make sense to him and youâve done the same. I hear that youâve experienced some significant financial betrayals in the marriage. Not only do you have to align expectations, but also work through the damage those secrets and unilateral decisions have created in the marriage. Chances are, youâll need some support with this from a qualified marriage counselor and a financial advisor. Money issues trigger strong survival responses that will make it difficult to talk calmly about your future.
Please donât go silent about your desire to get on the same page. There is no need to yell or get aggressive, but you can continue to persuade, insist, and work with him to hear and understand why things have ended up here. More importantly, those conversations can then lead to where to go from this point so you guys have can a more secure relationship and financial future.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of âLove You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelityâ, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series âStrengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriageâ, available at www.marriage-recovery.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a masterâs degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Tom ArmitageMarch 8, 2017
This is a 2 sided issue. I can't speak to this specific case but it is not always the mans fault. How many women push and push to "keep up" with someone or some imagined lifestyle? We need a bigger house, better neighborhood, larger this or that, new furniture, going out to eat regularly? How many women spend hundreds of dollars a month on hair styling, eyelash extensions, facials and on and on? There are many ways to waste money by both parties.
vickieFebruary 27, 2017
actually what I hear is this woman going through this situation for about 30yrs so where does dementia come into play?? ..he may have it now if that is what is happening I don't know. however there are mental illnesses like bipolar disease that can cause a person to over spend. however to me this just sounds like two people and two ways of viewing how to manage finances. I have experienced sort of the same thing. my parents taught me to save a penny. I never knew their teachings would come in handy. my husbands parents were different and taught him to charge using credit cards before I knew there were any and to not really know what was coming in as his step dad was a carpenter...we fought over money for over 40yrs. I wanting to save and buy only what we needed and him loving to spend money for his projects and fun. we had 5 kids and it was very hard. our kids are grown and over time I managed to keep some money in a savings ...money mind you he makes and keeps wanting to get into...he has retired and so we only get a bit of money coming in. we have no home and live in an apartment but now I want a home but don't want to spend much. I never made demands. a shrink told me that years earlier...he said how can your husband know what you want if you never make any demands. well, I had very few..im a cheapskate...its hard to believe that a woman can be that but yep I am. I was able to raise my children with very little income by being thrifty and watchful. money issues cause a real rift in a family and more so if the husband is the spend thrift person...it causes the wife to feel insecure and then depressed because she thinks her position is never going to change. I tried to say these things with my husband and even got counceling where our councelor told us to get a budget book. it was the best thing he could have done. that way my husband could see what he was spending and causing me grief over. we will be married 47 yrs this year..our kids are all gone and older people now...and I still have the same problem...as I said my shrink said..if I never make any demands then he thinks he can use what money we have for anything he wants...so women start demanding...women who are over spenders take into consideration your husbands hard working and try to help him save money and spend more wisely...also look into why your spending...its because of something your lacking...I knew a couple who were both spenders...he was eventually kicked out of the military because of it and both his wife and him were destitute because they could never get it under control...seek help