Question
I have a stepdaughter whose biological mom left her (we have no idea who her biological father is). My husband married her mom and later adopted her. After her mom left them, this stepdaughter ended up with my husband. We do not know where her real mother is. She tells us that her mother was abusive to her. My stepdaughter is now becoming a teen and has been very difficult to live with. She struggles to get along with her stepbrothers and she is constantly giving me attitude and butting heads with me. I have a really hard time trying to love her and connect with her. What can I do? I have tried spending time with her, talking to her, showing an interest in what she likes and she seems to still focus on everything she does not have. I know she has been through so much in her life and I don’t understand what to do to help her. It has gotten so bad that I have contemplated whom she could live with because I am stressed to the limit. I don’t want to send her away, but sometimes I feel it is my only option just to keep my sanity. I feel I spend so much time trying to deal with her that I neglect the other kids who do behave well. Please help!
Answer
Even though this stepdaughter isn’t biologically connected to either one of you, your husband adopted her before his divorce, so she belongs to him, and, therefore, to both of you. I realize that you understand this, as you’ve worked hard to connect with her and help her adjust. However, I recognize that when things get hard, it’s easy to become resentful toward her and her biological family who you wish would step in and take responsibility.
Since that isn’t going to be an option in the foreseeable future, it is up to you and your husband to teach her how to live in a family. She clearly struggles to know how to live with others. She most likely doesn’t trust anyone to take care of her, so she stirs up trouble and chaos, as that’s more familiar and safe to her than the security of a loving family.
This is going to require a heart check for you. She has caused you a lot of turmoil, and you are understandably irritated. There isn’t a parenting technique out there that will help you be less irritated with her. This requires repairing the quality of the relationship, which is more about heart than technique. I appreciate Terrance Olsen’s counsel on this matter:
Parents sometimes long to be more skilled than they know how to be. They sometimes think if they were better at a given technique, they could turn their children’s lives around. But there is something more fundamental than technique. It is the first task. It involves the quality of the relationship itself, and that cannot be grounded in mere technique or strategy, but in the heart. This is another way of asking parents to consider their ways regarding how they see and respond to their children.[i]
Do you just see her as a difficult kid who doesn’t really even belong to you? Or, can you see her as a discarded child who is simply looking for a place to settle down? Yes, she needs structure and discipline. But she also needs compassion and mercy. Balancing those two needs is the key.
You didn’t mention much about your husband’s involvement with her. His role is critical, as he’s the only consistent person she’s had in her life. I hope he’s not delegating her care to you. If that’s the reality, then it’s important for you to get him involved as soon as possible. He can do so much to help stabilize this situation with his interest and attention.
You might even ask him to lead out with parenting decisions that involve her. In most blended families, the biological parent often takes the lead with discipline involving their own biological children. While that can balance out over time to involve both parents, early on it’s the most natural order to which the children respond. Granted, he’s not the biological father, but he’s the closest option she has.
I commend your efforts to connect with her. You should keep doing that, recognizing with a compassionate heart that this is a terrified little girl who has no real sense of security. Like an orphan, she has no enduring ties to her biological family. That loss of connection is difficult to measure, but you can probably imagine how unsettling it might be for her.
You don’t have to fix her situation. You have an entire family to worry about. Do your best to be gentle with yourself and recognize how challenging this situation is. As your husband takes the lead on spending time with her, counseling with her, and working to help her adjust, you will be freed up to tend to your other children.
Also, please don’t forget your marriage. If you neglect spending alone time with your husband outside of the stress of this difficult situation, neither of you will have the strength and support from each other to be there for these children.
You can connect with Geoff Steurer at:
Website: www.geoffsteurer.com
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About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
MaryannJune 28, 2025
The wise phrase, "You don't have to fix her situation" is so freeing! I finally came to this same conclusion regarding a difficult situation with my own family member. We (especially parents or guardians) feel like if we just do the right thing, we can "fix" someone. We can't. We can love them and gently invite them into our lives. We can decide to let go of our frustrations when they don't respond like we want them to. This sister sounds like maybe she is trying too hard. Spending less time with her children indicates she needs to let go of trying to change her step-daughter, and enjoy her children without guilt. Her step-daughter surely feels the step-mom's tension and frustration, which adds fire to her own difficult feelings. Let go, mom! In light of her history, EXPECT her to act out. Then continue to live your own life. This is NOT easy, but will relieve some of the constant frustration.
Jeff TeichertJune 28, 2025
I mostly agree with what Geoff said, with a couple of points of emphasis. (By the way, I also have a degree in family science and two stepchildren of my own.) 1. Who is running your house? I remember talking to a man several years ago who is a hospital nurse. He talked about people calling the hospital and describing symptoms their children were having and he might ask "what is his temperature?" Often the parent would respond "I tried to take his temperature but he won't let me." The nurse would ask how old the child was and when the parent said 6 years old or something, the nurse would say "I'll tell you what, you decide who's running your house and when you have the kid's temperature, call me back." We appropriately emphasize loving behavior toward our children. But that doesn't mean the inmates get to run the asylum. She doesn't get to "butt heads" with you and you have no obligation to convince her or explain to her why you are asking her to do something. She has to do it because she is the child and you are the parent. That's it. 2. Having said that, Geoff is also correct that, and a step family, the original parent should do most of the heavy lifting on discipline for a while. The step parent was not there during the 3:00 a.m. feedings and diaper changes, and patching the skinnee knees. So the step parent needs to earn some trust. When possible, the step parent needs to act more like a friend and work on building bonds. That doesn't mean you shouldn't step in when your husband is not available and take control of the house when necessary. It just means that when he is available, he's the one to step in. And make sure that he communicates with your stepdaughter what the rules are. That way, when you are the enforcer of those rules, you are just carrying out what her father has already said. My step kids have grown up with me for the last 7 years and I can do more parenting now than I could in the beginning. But that takes time and you need to be patient with it. And, as I said, that doesn't mean you have to let her go wild whenever he is not around. 3. Keep your cool. You should not discipline a child when you are mad whether it is your own biological child or a stepchild. If you have to put yourself in time out to cool down before you interact with the child, do it. Don't discipline until you are feeling peace inside. You are the adult and it is your job to model this behavior for her even if she is not peaceful. You are the adult and you have to model the right behavior. She is a child and we cut her a lot of slack because she's inexperienced and immature. 4. Stop thinking about sending her away. She your child and your responsibility. She has faced enough abandonment in her life and she doesn't need it from you. She may have even overheard you talking to your husband or others about finding a way to get rid of her because she is not really your child. Please don't do that to her. Being your biological child would not make her more yours. Accept that she is your child and never again talk about sending her away. If you believe she may have overheard that kind of comment or even gotten that vibe from you, you owe her an apology and you should give her one. I know step family situations can be stressful at times. I also know that they can be richly rewarding If you can give up the fantasy that you can erase your spouse's past and just be a first-time nuclear family without entanglements from other relationships. That's not what you signed up for and it's not what you have. So take your non-traditional family and make it beautiful. Stop looking for an escape. Good luck. I'm saying a little prayer right now that you can find a way to make this better.