Cover image via Gospel Media Library. 

Question:

I am an active Latter-day Saint woman, married to a non-Latter-day Saint man, and I have 2 adult non-Latter-day Saint stepchildren. We are a happy family, though I do attend church and the temple by myself. Sometimes I feel torn between two worlds: it seems I’m “super religious” to my non-member friends and family, and I’m considered “less active” or on the “worry list” in my ward, because of my non-member family (though I attend church every week). It’s not my imagination about the ward’s perception of me–a close ward member let it slip one day. I long to have social connections in my ward (going out for dinner or the movies as a couple, etc), yet my Latter-day Saint friends seem uncomfortable socializing with us outside of church, perhaps because my husband has a glass of wine with dinner, or they find little in common to talk about with him. It seems that Latter-day Saint folks only want to socialize with others in the church. If they do socialize with us, they patronizingly approach my husband as if he’s a baptism prospect, rather than treating him as a friend. How can I find balance and friendships in the church, given my situation? I’m a nice, fun person, but I feel very lonely in church because of all of this.

Answer:

I want to tell you how impressed I am that you’ve been able to maintain a strong marriage and family while having differences in an area as personal and sensitive as religion. You’ve built a nice foundation to help support you while you figure out what to do with these strange social situations.

A blessing and curse of being a member of a church like ours is that because it requires such a deep level of commitment, it often unintentionally creates an exclusive subculture that causes outsiders to really feel like outsiders. Since you are intimately familiar with life inside and outside the Church, you have a rare perspective not shared by many people in either group. I’m sure you spend much of your time defending both groups, as you have deep commitments to family in one group and deep spiritual convictions in the other.

Please know that your unique perspective can be a tremendous blessing to both groups. There is nothing you have to defend or be ashamed of. You have an opportunity to build bridges of understanding and compassion with virtually everyone in your social network. The Latter-day Saint folks need your influence to see past the non-member status of your husband and stepchildren and get to know them as real people with real stories. And, the non-member folks can benefit from understanding more about the values and convictions of the Latter-day Saint people.

I recommend you embrace your unique position as someone with dual-citizenship in these different subcultures and accept that you’ll have something important to contribute in every interaction. Trying to adhere to every unspoken cultural rule of each group will most likely feel unsettling to you. You don’t need to give up the things you love about each of these two cultures. There are many commonalities you share between both worlds. As you stay true to your commitments to family and faith, people will be drawn to your strength and conviction of who you are and what you love.

For example, I encourage you to regularly invite ward members into your home so they can get to know both you and your husband. If your husband is comfortable with candid discussions about your unusual situation, you might consider putting everyone at ease by bridging the two cultures as you talk freely about the two worlds you live in. There is no need to be muzzled by either side.

Notice if your energy of not feeling fully included in the Latter-day Saint culture keeps you from confidently reaching out to connect to others in the ward. The insecurity of not fitting in with ward members might cause you to keep your distance, hoping someone will reach out to include you.

Owning your situation without apology allows people to relate to you and feel more comfortable with both worlds. You’ll likely have to patiently take the high road when people become narrow in their view of you and your family. Feeling misunderstood by both groups is painful and puts you in a strange dilemma where you might lose your sense of what you have to offer to others.

You have so much to offer, both with your fun personality and your unique compassion you bring for all of God’s children, member and non-member. Take the lead and pull people close to you who you find interesting, warm, and personable. Learn about them and let them learn about you. You have nothing to hide. You’re a woman of deep commitments and convictions.

You can connect with Geoff Steurer at:

Website: www.geoffsteurer.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
Instagram: @geoffsteurer
Twitter: @geoffsteurer

About the Author

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, host of the podcast, “From Crisis to Connection”, and creates online relationship courses. He earned degrees from Brigham Young University and Auburn University. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.

The advice offered through Geoff Steurer’s column is educational and informational in nature and is provided only as general information. It is not meant to establish a therapist-patient relationship or offer therapeutic advice, opinion, diagnosis treatment or to establish a standard of care. Although Geoff Steurer is a trained psychotherapist, he is not functioning in the role of a licensed therapist by writing this column, but rather using his training to inform these responses. Thus, the content is not intended to replace independent professional judgment. The content is not intended to solicit clients and should not be relied upon as medical or psychological advice of any kind or nature whatsoever. The information provided through this content should not be used for diagnosing or treating a mental health problem or disease. The information contained in these communications is not comprehensive and does not include all the potential information regarding the subject matter, but is merely intended to serve as one resource for general and educational purposes.