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Question
I met a girl recently in my apartment complex and we’ve started hanging out a lot. I like being around her and her roommates and I think she’s interested in me. The only thing that’s holding me back from moving things forward is that I’m not really physically attracted to her. I don’t want to lead her on by hanging out with her when I may already know in my heart that she’s not my type. Part of my worry is that I’m not sure if my expectations are all warped because of how women are portrayed in media. How important is physical attraction when dating someone?
Answer
I think you’re smart for pausing to question your automatic responses to this girl and your relationship with her. You’ve already felt enough attraction to begin asking questions, so that’s an important consideration. Attraction and chemistry are hardly scientific and predictable, but I think it’s helpful to drop the urgency of needing to know if this is the one-and-final-relationship-to-end-all-relationships and, instead, keep observing and asking yourself good questions.
Physical chemistry is probably the most common way people find each other. It’s normal and healthy to have a physical attraction to someone else. It’s the initial magnet that draws you closer to see if they are someone you want to spend more time with. Physical attraction just happens without even thinking about it and then other factors (such as personality, shared goals, etc.) get added to the selection process.
However, it doesn’t always have to happen in that order. I can’t count how many romantic movie scripts have flipped around the “love at first sight” narrative to show how two unlikely people form a friendship and eventually become romantically attracted to each other. There are lots of ways to form a romantic bond with someone. Please don’t get hung up on the order of how things develop.
Even though physical attraction is a normal and healthy part of selecting a romantic partner, it can easily overshadow more important qualities that actually affect the type of relationship you’re going to have. You’re right that our culture puts an unhealthy emphasis on physical appearance and only pays lip service to the notion of “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Attraction to another person is a combination of physical, emotional, spiritual, friendship, and other qualities that contribute to building a secure bond. It’s wise to expand your definition of attraction to include more than just appearance.
I love Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s reminder about what really matters in a long-term romantic partner:
“There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date—to say nothing of a spouse and eternal companion—but surely among the very first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, a minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident…There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook. I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can’t always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command—such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another.”[i]
You’re feeling some kind of attraction that is clearly more than just physical. When you’re not sure, then keep nurturing that friendship and also expand your relationships to include others. As you get to know other girls, you’ll learn more about what you like and don’t like in a partner. Now is the time to give yourself permission to compare and analyze the different mix of qualities in potential partners. Once you’re married, this process ends and you invest fully in your chosen partner.
So, if you’re having hesitations now, it doesn’t mean you’re shallow and superficial. You’re allowed to have preferences. She’s not the only girl out there, so give yourself permission to keep meeting others, dating, and allowing yourself to discover the wonderful diversity that surrounds you.
Geoff will answer a new family and relationship question every Friday. You can email your question to him at ge***@lo************.com
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About the Author
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in St. George, UT. He is the owner of Alliant Counseling and Education (www.alliantcounseling.com) and the founding director of LifeStar of St. George, an outpatient treatment program for couples and individuals impacted by pornography and sexual addiction (www.lifestarstgeorge.com). He is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity”, available at Deseret Book, and the audio series “Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage”, available at www.geoffsteurer.com. He also writes a weekly relationship column for the St. George News (www.stgnews.com). He holds a bachelors degree from BYU in communications studies and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy from Auburn University. He served a full-time mission to the Dominican Republic. He is married to Jody Young Steurer and they are the parents of four children.
You can connect with him at:
Website: www.lovingmarriage.com
Twitter: @geoffsteurer
Facebook: www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
[i] https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland_how-do-i-love-thee/
W Jay GoldthwaiteJune 5, 2019
Our now going on 46 years of marriage with 9 children and 34 grandchildren with a few more to come started out with merely friendship. Neither of us had even a hint of romantic feelings. And that continued not weeks, but months. She was not at all my type from the standpoint of who I would be attracted to enough to date, and I was to her in the same category. But, in our case, because of our assignments in church, and her need for occasional rides, and finally with the two of us trying a summer business together during our college years as friends, I gradually began to have the very feelings the man spoke about in this article. All those qualities we should also become familiar with besides attraction turned me around, and caused me to see her in a different light. She became more and more attractive to me as time passed, while I was still merely a friend to her. Prayerfully, I was able to retain our friendship as if I had no deeper feelings until after a few weeks passed, and our church put on a summer outing in the pines. I asked her to come with me to fellowship a girl who was overweight and had few friends, and she finally consented. That day, for the first time I changed my hair from the old fashioned comb back style to a new over the side style. I bought a pair of more in the fashion pants and shirt. I then made it a point without being obvious to spend time with her by enticing her to do what I knew she would want. She consented to go on a hike. We still never held hands at that point, nor was she inclined (she still did not know that I was inclined). I managed the hike skilfully and at one point told her I would like to rest for a while and enjoy the weather, scenery, clouds and blue sky, birds, etc. While she and I were resting about six feet apart, she started staring at me unbeknown to me. I finally looked over and saw tears in her eyes. It was then that she had an amazing change of heart. Suddenly I was the best of all the young men she wished would take her out. The rest of the day went well. On the way home, she made it a point to sit next to me rather than at the passenger door the way we came. And she put her head on my shoulder. Though there is more to the story, we have been in love ever since, and have a wonderful life together. We have had struggles, but have always worked them out as most good marriages require. So the advice on this article is right on. Spend time with a good friend, and expand your time with those you think you would rather be with. That's what we did. And over time we found that no one else compared to the relationship we had together.
RandyMay 31, 2019
When I met my wife, 47 years ago, it was like we've known each other all our lives. Which was not possible, considering that I grew up in Georgia and she was from New Jersey. We met while I was stationed at Ft Monmouth, NJ in 1971. When we met all we did was talk about the Church and what we wanted out of life. We talked all night long, until she had to go home. She was not a member of the Church and so we spent a lot of time talking about it. She was in a holding pattern in her church while looking for the one that taught what she believed. We met in March and got married in December, then 8 months later she was baptized. Shortly after we were married, I was sent to Vietnam in 1972 and then to Korea, 6 months later, where she was able to join me. Our first child was born in a Korean hospital. I was attracted by her spirit and that we felt like we had known each other all out lives. I believe that in the pre-existence, we knew each other and promised that we would, somehow find each other. And with the help of the Lord, we did.