For years, parenting experts have taught parents that we can “love the child and not the behavior.” In more recent years, wives have embraced the mantra “love the man, not the porn,” Such messages teach that it is possible to love a person, without loving what they do. Why, then, do so many of the “doers,” those who want to be loved despite their behavior, feel unloved? Why are so many insistent that “if you don’t love what I do, then you don’t love me”?
First, let me give some examples of how it is entirely possible to love a person without loving their behavior. We have a son who lives in New Zealand with his wife and four children. I don’t approve of this choice. I miss this family, and I long to see them more often. I do not approve of their decision to live in New Zealand. However, I adore this family. I love their company. I want to hug and squeeze them all like a typical crazed grandma. My lack of approval of their choices in no way means I don’t love them. In fact, it is because of my love for them that their choices matter so much to me.
My husband loves playing pickleball. However, he has developed plantar fasciitis and his feet hurt every time he plays. I do not approve of him playing every day and I wish he would rest and let his feet heal. I love him dearly and it hurts me to see him hurting. Clearly, one can love the person without loving their behavior.
Withdrawing Love to Manipulate Behavior
If it is entirely possible to love a person without loving their behavior, why do so many people feel unloved by those who disapprove of their behavior? This is because too often we try to change the behavior of those we love by withholding our love or placing conditions on our love. We treat people of whose behaviors we disapprove differently than we treat those with behaviors of which we approve. For example, if I refused to take phone calls or to give presents to my children in New Zealand until they returned to the United States, I would be resorting to manipulation to control their behavior.
Manipulative behaviors are not loving behaviors, therefore, people who are being manipulated will not feel loved even if we do love them. When manipulation has been used to control behavior, especially when it has gone on for years, it is easy for the person whose behavior is in question to feel unloved. If we truly love someone, we will treat them like we love them, despite their behavior.
Fear of Sending a Message of Approval
Sometimes we are afraid to behave normally toward those of whose behavior we disapprove. We fear if we don’t send some “sign” or “message” about their behavior, they might mistakenly think we approve of their behavior. We don’t want them to think that just because we love them, we also approve of their behavior. A wife may fear that if she is intimate with her porn-using husband, that means she is okay with his porn use. He may want validation of his behavior and may be tempted to interpret her loving behaviors as approval even when they are not. If a parent or a wife was certain that their continued love would not be confused with approval, they would be less tempted to withdraw love.
Behaving in a loving manner without sending a message of approval is the trickiest task of all. Humor can be an effective way to communicate the difference between love and approval in a relationship that is tight. For example, one mother said in an affected voice, “Don’t you be thinking that I approve of your vegan diet just because I’m not serving meat.” Although humor works in a tight relationship, in a strained relationship humor is often misinterpreted as an attack, and is ill-advised.
Love Should be Enough
Those with aberrant behaviors are frequently not satisfied even when they are treated lovingly. They also want approval. They don’t want to hear, “I love you but not your behavior.” They want to hear, “I love you and I love your behavior.”
Why is the approval of others so important? Approval is, after all, just an opinion. Why do people care so much about the opinion of others, of parents, or a spouse? In some cases, they are ambivalent about their choices and they seek validation in order to quell inner conflict. When that validation doesn’t come, they resent those who withhold it, blaming them for their continued inner conflict.
People who are secure in their choices are less likely to crave the validation of others and are not resentful if it doesn’t come. For example, my husband is quite content playing pickleball on painful feet. He does not attempt to convince me to support him and embrace his choice because my disapproval doesn’t cause him a bit of inner conflict. Those whose behaviors are inconsistent with the opinions of their loved ones, but who also feel peaceful about their choices, don’t resent their loved ones for their lack of approval.
In the end, we want our loved ones to feel loved. Therefore, our job is to act in a loving manner, and avoid changing our own behaviors due to their choices. Our hope is that our loved ones can find inner peace without depending on the approval of others.
JeaNette Goates Smith is a retired Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of four books about family relationships. For more information see www.smithfamilytherapy.org.
