Remember those car trips decades ago when the kids incessantly asked, “Are we there yet?” That question held a special significance for my husband Doug and me this month as I was preparing my Relief Society lesson, “The Elderly of the Church.” As we ask ourselves “Are we there yet?” (to old age) I’m pretty sure the answer is a resounding yes! One writer says,

I went to various journalism sites and writing style books to nail down the cutoff point for “elderly.” It seems that old is a moving target. Some gerontologists divide us into young-old, ages fifty-five to seventy-four, and the old-old, over seventy-five. In a study done by the Pew Research Center, most people said old age begins at sixty-eight. But most people over the age of sixty-five thought it began at seventy-five. (1)

The author said that as she aged, her definition of what constituted elderly shifted upward. In other words, old is wherever you haven’t gotten to yet. Many identified elderly as being about fifteen years beyond whatever age they were. (2)

As Doug (81) and I (77) review our medical history of artificial joints, heart bypass surgery and now a pacemaker (him), and a stroke and a heart ablation (me), we feel blessed to be enjoying life as much as we do! When we’re out with our friends now, it’s true that our conversations often center around our aches and pains and surgeries, but we also admit to being pretty happy with our stage of life. We’ve planned reasonably well for retirement, we have good health insurance, we have a comfortable car and home, our family members all live close by, we have church callings, and we have time on our hands to pursue our hobbies. One Gallop poll showed unequivocally that we get more contented as we age. (3)

I love Harold Glen Clark’s philosophy when he says, “Too often we in this [older] age group brood over our declining physical powers and ignore the increasing knowledge and special experiences that come at no other time in life. We must have the spiritual strength to glory in being sixty-five or eighty and regard the approaching years as an achievement rather than a defeat.” (4)

However, as President Hinckley mentioned in one of his talks, the golden years can also be laced with lead. He openly admitted how deeply he missed his wife Marjorie, and said he hoped it would not be too long until he joined her. Unfortunately, at least half of the elderly on this earth will be left alone for a season after the death of a spouse. When the remaining spouse becomes unable to care for himself/herself, the path can become very lonely and difficult and the support of friends and loved ones is so important. I once wrote an album of songs for Richards Paul Evans’ book The Locket and will share the song “It’s Not So Easy Growing Old” sung by an elderly sister in a care center who is trying to find meaning in her lonely life, and looking forward in her mind to brighter days and better times beyond the veil.

[Click here to listen to “It’s Not So Easy Growing Old”]

 

It’s Not So Easy Growing Old

(by Janice Kapp Perry & Orrin G. Hatch)

Solo: Carene Jordan

It’s not so easy growing old
I mostly rock here in my chair
I have some stories I could tell
But who would listen, who would care

Each day is like the one before
The simplest rituals, nothing more
I long to see a friendly face
Here in this sad, forgotten place

But who would bother now to come
An old folks’ place is not much fun
The days are long and hearts grow cold
It’s not so easy growing old

It’s not so easy growing old
It can be painful, truth be told
I made mistakes, I have regrets
But still I know I did my best

It’s sad to see it’s come to this
A lonely soul no one will miss
If they could see who I once was
I might be easier to love

But here we live, and here we die
And here we say our last goodbye
We need a caring hand to hold
It’s not so easy growing old

So I look forward in my mind
To brighter days and better times
Where rivers flow and field are green
And all is peaceful and serene

I’ll hear the music and I’ll soar
My spirit young and strong once more
When I imagine all the joys my heart will hold
It’s not so hard then growing old

I have seen varied reactions from those who have lost a spouse and greatly admire those who have the courage to fill their lives with worthy pursuits during this time of being parted. Camilla Kimball took up oil painting after the passing of her companion and produced paintings of the four seasons looking out the back door of her home. Each of her four children has one of these framed paintings in their home. My own mother, Ruth Kapp, during her 21 years of widowhood, devoted her energy to so many worthy causes: entertaining with a Senior Citizen Fun Band, serving a full-time mission, devoting herself to family history and temple work, crocheting booties for new babies in the ward and making a quilt for each of her grandchildren. My sister-in-law, Sue Kapp, after the death of her husband, has served a mission to Guatemala, volunteered at the Family History Center, volunteered her service to Hospice, and served in the Ogden and Brigham City temples.

Fortunately our church provides all kinds of meaningful service opportunities which the able-bodied elderly may perform. President Ezra Taft Benson, in his conference address, “To the Elderly of the Church,” suggests several ways we can make the most of our senior years: 1) work in the temple and attend often, 2) collect and write family histories, 3) become involved in missionary service, 4) provide leadership by building family togetherness, 5) accept and fulfill church callings, 6) plan for your financial future, 7) render Christ-like service, and 8) stay physically fit, healthy and active. He also stressed the responsibility of families to give their elderly parents and grandparents the love, care and respect they deserve and instructed church leaders to prayerfully seek the Spirit in helping members meet the needs of the elderly. (5)

While serving our mission in Santiago Chile we found that there were many things senior missionaries could do to assist in the work—people we might be able to reach and relate to better than the young elders and sisters. I sometimes made up new words to Primary songs for us seniors to sing when we got together. Here are a few samples:

Tune: “Book of Mormon Stories”

Senior missionaries do what young folks cannot do:
Mind the temple, man the office, teach some music too.

Doctors, farmers, teachers, lawyers, get the Lord’s work done!
Though we are diff’rent, we work as one!

Tune: “The Golden Plates”

The golden years are the best of all—
Something we all deserve
For we have come to know this truth:
We’re happiest when we serve.

Tune: “Teach Me to Walk in the Light”

Help me to walk without crutches or cane,
Help me to smile through my spasms and pain.
Help my pneumonia and arthritic bones,
Help me to finish, and make it back home.

We find now, over a decade since our mission, that it always helps to keep a sense of humor about the things we are experiencing as honest-to-goodness elderly folks–especially memory loss. One of our favorite stories is about a man who went to visit his elderly friend and his wife. His friend kept calling his wife by such endearing names: pet, darling, sweetheart, love . . When his friend’s wife left the room for a few minutes he told him how sweet it was to hear him speaking to his wife in such an affectionate manner. His friend said, “Shoot, I forgot her name ten years ago!”

One of my favorite songs regarding our diminished capacities is from the musical “Trail of Dreams” by Marvin Payne, Steve Perry, and James Arrington (which will be performed at the Scera Theatre in Orem, Utah, November 12 through 21—don’t miss it!) and is titled “I’ll Love Whatever’s Left of You.” Jens and Elsie Nielson, rich Danish farmers sold everything to come to Zion where they came across the plains in the Willie Handcart Company in 1856, suffering extreme hardships, the loss of their only son and a friend traveling with them. Jens’ feet became frozen from time spent burying those who died on the trail and he was unable to push their handcart any more. He begged Elsie to leave him there and go on ahead so that one of their family would make it to the valley, but she stubbornly insisted that he ride in the handcart while she pulls it! (This could be a theme song for elderly couples—it already fits for us!)

[Click here to play “I’ll Love Whatever’s Left of You”]

 

I’LL LOVE WHATEVER’S LEFT OF YOU
By Steven Kapp Perry

JENS

Elsie, I’m not the man I used to be.
I’m not the man you once chose.

ELSIE

What makes you think I’m in love with your feet?
You don’t love a man for his toes!
Will you stop loving me if my feet freeze?

JENS

No, I would love you
from  your head to your . . . knees.

ELSIE

Oh, Jens.

JENS

And when you are much older
and your beauty starts to go.

ELSIE

By then you’ll lose your eyesight,
so you’ll never even know!

JENS

And if I lose my hair?

ELSIE

You’re assuming it’s still there.
We both could fall apart
and still it would be true;

I’ll love whatever’s left of you.
If Indians should scalp me,
would you love me after that?

JENS

Of course, my dear, I’d love you,
but I’d hope you’d wear a hat.

ELSIE

And if my hair turns gray?

JENS

Least yours is there to stay.
We both could fall apart
and still it would be true;
I’ll love whatever’s left of you.

JENS

Elsie, everything will be different now.

ELSIE

How will it be different?

JENS

I will just sit there, doing nothing, eating your food and being in the way while you do all the work.

ELSIE

Ja? And how will it be different?

JENS

Elsie.

ELSIE

And now we are alone,
we are back to only two.

JENS

I don’t know what the future holds.

ELSIE

But I’ll be holding you!
We both could fall apart,

JENS

we might not make it through,

BOTH

We both could fall to pieces
and still, it will be true;
I’ll love whatever’s left of you!

Ezra Taft Benson concludes his talk “To the Elderly of the Church” with these words:

“God bless the elderly in the Church. . . .You have so much to live for. May these golden years be your very best years as you fully live and love and serve. And God bless those who minister to your needs—your family, your friends, and your fellow Church members and leaders. I leave you my testimony of the joy of living—of the joys of full gospel living and of going through the Refiner’s fire and the sanctification process that takes place. . . . In the words of our Lord and Savior, ‘Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto Him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life’.” (3rd Nephi 15:9) (6)

The elderly of the Church are beloved by the Lord. Here are some simple words written by a caring stake president in Texas, that we can sing to a familiar Primary tune to remind us of this:

Our Father Loves Most Tenderly (sung to the tune of “When I Am Baptized)

By David B. Larsen

 Our Father loves most tenderly
Those in their golden years
Whose lives, refined by challenges
Have known both joy and tears

May God who knows you bear you up
To serve Him ‘til the end
And fill you with His love and peace
For you are His dear friends

Our Father cares most tenderly
For those whose hair is gray
Whose service and whose sacrifice
Have sanctified their days
May God who knows you bear you up
To serve Him ‘til the end
And fill you with His love and peace
For you are His dear friends

Our Father loves His aging sons
His noble daughters too
He longs to draw you near to Him
Your hearts are pure and true
May God who knows you bear you up
To serve Him ‘til the end
And fill you with His love and peace
For you are His dear friends

Janice Kapp Perry: Composer, author, lecturer

 (1) Anna Quindlen, “Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake,” RandomHouse, New York, 2013, p. 105.

(2) Ibid.

(3) Ibid, p. 100.

(4) Harold Glen Clark, “How to Get Better As You Get Older,” Family Document.

(5) Ezra Taft Benson,”The Elderly of the Church,” General Conference address, October 1989.

(6) Ibid.