In response to last week’s satirical article about how to ruin your next marriage, we want to give twenty suggestions to divorce survivors for how to make marriage better the next time. Divorce survivors who wish to remarry should think carefully and deeply about these ideas and how they might be intentional in the years ahead.
If you want to succeed in your next marriage here are a few ideas:
(1) Take turns talking, respect each other’s ideas and do not cut your spouse off when he or she is expressing something important him or her. Do not jump to conclusions about what your spouse is saying or implying. Wait until you have heard him or her out completely.
(2) Speak respectfully and do not use sarcasm and insults during a disagreement. Do not raise your voice to talk over your spouse. These techniques are tempting but, in an already tense situation, they are almost sure to escalate tensions even further.
(3) Sacrifice. The love you actually feel is the love you have inside yourself for your partner. You feel that love when you are doing things you know will contribute to your partner’s happiness—even if they are not convenient, such as listening to your spouse tell the same stories again and again, making love when you are tired, going out to the store at night to get medicine when your loved one is sick, or taking out the garbage when it is raining.
(4) Discuss your finances and come to an understanding about which of you is responsible to pay which expenses using which account; and do not have both people making variable or discretionary purchases from the same account—which is a recipe for being constantly overdrawn and over-budget.
(5) Speak respectfully about your spouse in front of other people and do not censor and correct your spouse. If privacy does not permit itself, please wait until it does to discuss the issue with your spouse. I promise that openly quarreling in the company of others is way more awkward for others than anything you may have been trying to correct in your spouse. Besides, whose opinion matters most to you? If your spouse’s opinion and feelings are not most important to you, check your priorities.
(6) Be clear about what you want and willing to take “no” for an answer. You get nowhere good in the long-run by brow-beating, shaming, or reprimanding.
(7) Be a safe person to confide in when your spouse comes to you for comfort at the end of a hard day. Put aside the way his or her words might be triggering alarm bells in your head. For example, if your spouse was let go at work, don’t start peppering him or her with fearful questions about where the money is going to come from. There will be time to address your worries. For now, be a good listening ear and a reassuring friend.
(8) Don’t keep a scorecard. Instead, be intentional about noticing all the goodness your spouse brings into your life and relationship.
(9) Limit expectations and remember that anything your spouse does for you is a gift and not a requirement. Your spouse does not owe you anything nor surrender his or her agency when you get married. Learn to see your spouse’s kindnesses as gifts to you, rather than entitlements.
(10) Forgive. Forgiveness means to let go of the offense. In the context of marriage, forgiveness is not, “I am forgiving for myself, even though my partner is a jerk.” Give your spouse grace and remember, “with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged” (Matthew 7:2). Forgiveness also means you don’t keep holding the offense over your spouse’s head. Use radical acceptance and move on as quickly as possible. If you are feeling hurt, don’t stay stuck in healing mode indefinitely. On the other hand, if your partner is hurting deeply after you made a serious mistake, don’t demand or insist the he or she forgive you and move on in a particular time frame. Forgiveness is a matter of agency—and it is only real if it is freely given. Freely give it and allow your partner to freely give it.
(11) Loyally stick up for your spouse. If anyone criticizes your spouse, always come to his or her defense, even if you think the other person has a point. Never be found “joining in” while others disparage the one you love. Your spouse should never have to wonder what you are saying about him or her when his or her back is turned.
(12) Do not blame, nit-pick and find fault with your spouse, and do not make compliance with your will the test of whether your spouse really loves you. Dr. Richard Carlson, American author, psychotherapist, and motivational speaker, wrote a bestselling book entitled, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. He was right.
(13) Remind your spouse as often as possible how he or she is blessing your life.
(14) Say “I love you” as often as possible and be as reassuring as you can that your love is deep and enduring.
(15) Do your best to give each of you some discretionary money each month that you don’t have to discuss or get permission to spend. If you are in a difficult time financially, the amount of discretionary allowance might be pretty small. But having some money to spend any way you want is important to feeling like an adult who is free to choose—and it will enhance the sense of freedom in your marriage that helps you both avoid feeling “trapped.”
(16) Intentionally notice the attractive elements of your spouse’s physical appearance and remember why you initially found him or her so irresistible.
(17) Go on dates regularly – whether you are feeling like it or not. Spend time dreaming together rather than just coordinating budgets, children’s schedules, and jobs. Remember the conversations you had when you were dating and try to find that spark again.
(18) Don’t blame. Many people chronically look for someone else to blame whenever things go wrong. What good does that do? If you walk into the kitchen and your child is bleeding profusely from a cut with a butcher knife, are your first words “what happened?” Is your first tendency to figure out who left the knife where your child could reach it? When you notice a problem is it always your first instinct to figure out whose fault it was? The words “what happened?” are entirely useless. Instead, say “Call 911!” apply direct pressure to stop the bleeding, and worry about how it happened later. We waste far too much time in our relationships figuring out whose fault something was and far too little time actually solving problems—which is easier if we aren’t worried about who is going to be the designated bad guy.
(19) Don’t compare how you are doing financially with other couples. President Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” In the internet and social media age, his words have never been more true. You have your path in this life and others have theirs. Comparing them negatively brings nothing but misery.
(20) Be above peevishness. When you are with someone long enough, you are going to notice every nervous tick or strange habit. If you dwell on them until you become obsessed, they will poison your good feelings for the person you once adored. Ignore those things and focus on your spouse’s nobility and the goodness he or she brings into your life. Your feelings about your spouse are determined, in no small degree, by your dominant thoughts about him or her. So nurture positive thoughts and weed out the negative. How you think about your spouse will determine your feelings about your spouse more than anything else.
Best wishes in your search for a wonderful, albeit imperfect, eternal companion. Practice these skills in your dating relationships and let them become second nature as you bravely choose to beat the odds in your new marriage!
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Prepare to laugh your head off with this satire on LILY Tube (free video):
How to Guarantee Another Divorce
Listen to episodes 123 & 110 on LILY Pod (free podcasts):
Healthy Remarriage & Divorce Proofing Marriage
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
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