Dating can be fun and exciting as we meet and form relationships with new people. But it also leaves us vulnerable to rejection. When someone you are interested in returns your interest, it can be thrilling. When that person says, “I only like you as a friend,” it can be painful. We make deep human connections through vulnerability, and that kind of connection is necessary to form the quality loving relationship we want to sustain over a lifetime and beyond. Many singles get stuck in a pattern of trying to find love without risk—which is not possible. Risk is the price of admission to the process of finding love.
The idea of risking pain to find love is powerful, and it is worth the risk. But are some risks not worth taking? Jesus said, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you” (Matthew 7:6). Conventional wisdom is that “pearls” represent the gospel. But Jesus said, “Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature” (Mark 16:15). So, if the pearl is the gospel how can we withhold it from “swine” while preaching it to every creature?
While swine were considered unclean animals in Old Testament times and forbidden as food for Israelites (Leviticus 11:708), Jesus’ analogy was not necessarily to proclaim certain people unclean or filthy as we often use the term “pig” in a pejorative sense today. A pig simply represents a being that cannot value what you are offering. What would a pig do with a pearl? The Muppets and Disney movies aside, an animal cannot dress up in a string of pearls for a Saturday evening at a fine restaurant or theatrical performance. Even if someone else dressed it up, a pig has no idea what to do with jewelry and no appreciation of its value. The fact that a pig cannot appreciate a pearl does not deprive the pearl of its value. The value of the pearl is inherent. Pearls could even be sold and the proceeds used to buy a significant quantity of nourishing food for a pig. But the pig simply lacks the basic understanding of how to value it. It would not occur to a pig that a pearl might be exchanged for something the pig could use.
In our faith, we hold certain things dear that others simply cannot relate to. As Elder D. Todd Christofferson said, “Be wise with what the Lord gives you. It is a trust. You would not, for example, share the content of your patriarchal blessing with just anyone.” Your patriarchal blessing is a precious pearl of revelation unique to you. Sharing your patriarchal blessing with an atheist friend who might mock or discount its value would be unwise.
The thing you offer your dating partners is access to your heart, your devotion, and your deepest feelings. After marriage, you will also share physical intimacy with your beloved. These are all priceless pearls.
I suggest you share your priceless pearls of emotional and physical intimacy wisely. Finding love requires risk and there is no getting around that. But give more intimacy as your relationship grows—and share your unique and sanctifying emotional and spiritual treasures with those who will know how to value them properly.
Elder Whitney Clayton said in April Conference 2013, “I have observed that in the happiest marriages both the husband and wife consider their relationship to be a pearl beyond price, a treasure of infinite worth. They both leave their fathers and mothers and set out together to build a marriage that will prosper for eternity. They understand that they walk a divinely ordained path.”
Some members of our faith who have tasted the bitterness of divorce are disillusioned because they trusted in the assurances of parents and youth leaders that, if they married in the temple, their marriages would last and their families would be united forever. One anonymous author wrote, “It was nearly impossible for me to comprehend what was happening when my temple marriage of 27 years crumbled. I was devastated and disillusioned. When the dust finally settled, I was left alone, responsible financially for our youngest three children—a son on a mission and two daughters still at home.”
Some conclude the blessings of eternal marriage and family are not for them, or become discouraged that potential Latter-day Saint dating partners do not seem receptive to dating them. Many decide that marrying unbelievers is a better idea than trusting again in the promises of eternal sealings, and believe that those outside the Church may be less judgmental of their situations. Elder Clayton wrote, “There are those whose marriages are not as happy as they would wish, as well as those who have never married, are divorced, are single parents, or for various reasons are not able to marry. These circumstances can be full of challenge and heartbreak, but they need not be eternal.” These circumstances lead many to seek happiness outside the covenant path. But Elder Clayton continued, “Seek after the ideal of forming an eternal marriage, including by striving or preparing to be a worthy spouse. Keep the commandments, and trust the Lord and His perfect love for you. One day every promised blessing concerning marriage will be yours.”
My friends, I plead with you to hold on to the dream. Don’t be so eager to remarry soon that you give up the opportunity to remarry well. I do not mean those outside the Church cannot be good people and loving spouses. But that is not all marriage means to committed Latter-day Saints. I encourage you to marry one with whom you can share your pearls—the secrets of your heart, your devotion to God, and the dream of an eternal family—and trust that he or she will truly comprehend the full value of these treasures.
You were (or may be) anointed to be a king or queen, to rule and reign in the House of Israel for all eternity. As such, you are promised the blessings of eternal marriage and eternal lives. Do not trade these “exceeding great and precious promises” whereby our Eternal Father has “called us to glory” (2 Peter 1:4) for a bowl of stew (Genesis 25:34) by seeking a measure of happiness outside the covenant path. As Elder Orson F. Whitney also said when speaking of the blessings of an eternal family, “Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God” (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and two sweet little granddaughters.
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