How many stories have we heard about people who start to date while their divorces are pending, get engaged shortly afterward, and are married two or three months after the divorce is final? Cathy and I have heard a lot of them. The brief second marriage and divorce are common phenomena in our faith community. (We each had one of those too.)
Before launching into the substance, let me first be clear that I am not sitting in judgment of any individual decision. Cathy and I understand that some marriages made hastily on the heels of divorce have worked out as very loving marriages. Hasty remarriage has also resulted in disaster often enough that we want to explore the perils of it with you, and encourage a wise approach to making a new marriage.
Why do some choose to remarry quickly after a divorce from a long marriage? For some, it is an ardent desire to replace what has been lost in terms of temple sealings and the promise of exaltation. For others, it may include a commitment to the law of chastity, and a fervent desire for a new sexual partner. Some may have a desire to “show” their former partners that they are desirable or worthy – almost like it is a race to see who can rebuild his or her life faster. For most, there may be a fear of being alone and an attempt to fill an emptiness in their hearts. This is what we call a “rebound” relationship. Almost everyone has a rebound relationship. But it is usually unwise to get married quickly as a result. A hasty remarriage may also be an attempt to remedy a financial problem. Indeed, outside our faith community, it is quite common for people to cohabit with a new partner within a year of divorce to share expenses.
The common denominator in all the reasons we have discussed for hasty remarriage is looking outside of oneself for personal happiness or a solution to personal problems. There is often a feeling of angst associated with hasty remarriage – which is not a great foundation for a peaceful future. Seeking to solve a problem with a marriage creates a bottomless pit of expectations that is unfair to the other person and portends serious problems.
When you are thinking of remarriage, please consider this counsel:
- Have I done any personal development work? It is important to work on yourself to avoid repeating past problems. It is not enough to simply believe your partner was inadequate and you will be better with a more adequate partner. You are bringing emotional triggers to any new marriage you enter now. It is vital to have greater self-awareness and experience taking ownership of your own emotions, rather than blaming someone else for them.
- Do I now see the problems in my former marriage differently than I did during the divorce? When you can see your own role in the divorce, that is a fairly good indicator that you are prepared to date again. If you are reading this thinking, “I had no role in the divorce in my situation,” you are probably not ready. This thought experiment is not an exercise in victim shaming. It is simply a recognition that every relationship dynamic involves two people, and you did not dance well together. Genuine self-reflection leads to enlightenment and self-improvement – not shame or self-punishment.
- Am I seeing my new dating partner as perfect? Being able to see a partner through rose-colored glasses is certainly a gift. But ignoring incompatibilities and character flaws while dating is not. Everyone is going to have personal qualities we find frustrating and issues we may find troubling. We do not suggest that you expect perfection; and it is a mistake to see perfection that is not there. This involves using your head as well as your heart. It also involves dating long enough for the twitterpated emotions to subside so you can see the potential trouble spots more clearly.
- Am I making a deal? In every healthy relationship there are compromises. Sometimes we reach those compromises because it is not efficient to do the extra work to find a better third alternative. For example, I might let Cathy pick the restaurant on a date night because it is not worth a long discussion, and I don’t care that much where we go anyway. But other issues are far more important. If your partner wants to have long and emotionally intimate conversations with his or her former partners, do you accept that because you want him or her in your life so much and fear that, if you set boundaries, you will lose him or her? If he or she wants to spend all evening sewing or woodworking instead of in conversation with you, is that something you are willing to sign up for in the long term? Maybe right now you are just trying to make a deal. You bargain away the thing you really want because all you can see is how much you want your partner. But if you are that desperate for a relationship, you are not ready. Instead, you are willing to accept a relationship on terms that don’t ultimately work for you in order to keep it.
- Am I working to get my finances in order? The best way to avoid marrying for money is to have your own financial house in order. The person you marry for money is likely going to end up feeling exploited and resentful. (You would too.) One of my former dating partners used to say, “A man is not a financial plan!” She only had a high school education but had figured out how to make a six-figure income and was doing so while she raised three children mostly on her own. If your own financial house is in order, you are far less vulnerable to settling for an ill-advised marriage to meet financial needs. A “rescue marriage” is inherently unbalanced, and you don’t want to be on either side of that. I plead with the ladies especially to take control of their own lives, get their financial houses in order, and create a life of peace and happiness – rather than just dream of finding a man who is in a better situation to solve your problem. At this stage of life, helplessly waiting for a man to come to the rescue returns you to the helplessness and dependent status of childhood. Having your own house in order will prepare you to be “equally yoked” in a new marriage (see 2 Corinthians 6:14-18).
- Are you prepared to deal with the triggers that a remarriage will surely bring? Even if you’ve done more personal development than any person you’ve ever known, you will find that some of your triggers haven’t been activated in a while because you didn’t have a spouse bumping up against your emotional sunburns. Going into remarriage, it is crucial that you know that these triggers are normal and should be expected. They are also an opportunity to heal new layers of trauma that you couldn’t heal as a single person. The increasing intimacy and vulnerability that comes with marriage inevitably triggers trauma and gives you the opportunity to heal. Too many divorcees tell themselves that they will not pick a partner that triggers them – an unrealistic goal. Instead, be prepared to own your own feelings, do the work to heal them, and experience personal growth. This process is not easy. But if you are ready, it is highly rewarding.
- Have you forgiven? It is impossible to truly give yourself in a new relationship if you are still fighting the battles of an old one. Enmity binds you to another person as surely as love does. That does not mean your former partner determines whether you are ready. Your former partner might be filled with frustration and angst. That is his or her problem. But if he or she can still get your goat or cause you to be fuming mad, you are probably not ready to move on. When you are feeling peace and compassion toward your former spouse, you are in a better position to close that chapter of your life and start fresh with someone new.
- Have you experienced real love? It is crucial that you have a close circle of friends who will tell you the truth, and who you know will love and accept you regardless of your problems and mistakes. This experience will give you practice being authentic and trusting that the people who matter will love you regardless. That kind of vulnerability is the way we create connection in marriage – and finding a partner you can feel safe being vulnerable with is crucial to a healthy relationship. The self-justification and defensiveness of constantly explaining your divorce and blaming your former spouse is the opposite of the authenticity and self-awareness needed to succeed in future relationships. (You may need to do this for a while to process your feelings but be careful not to get stuck there.) If you are putting on a show or wearing a mask to impress a partner, you may succeed to your own detriment. If you succeed, you will have to maintain the illusion forever – never knowing if your partner could accept you if he or she knew the truth! Begin by creating relationships of trust and acceptance with wise same sex friends – where the stakes are not so high and do not seem to affect your earthly happiness or eternal destiny. (Create friendships where there is less pressure at first.) Fill your emotional bucket with the love and support of wise friends before you venture out into the dating world. These friendships will provide both healing and confidence.
Remarriage can be a wonderful blessing when you and your partner are ready to develop something together that is more mature and wholehearted. If you are in a hurry to remarry, that is a good indication that you are not ready. That doesn’t mean you will never be ready. The suggestions in this article can help you become truly ready by being more healed and having more clarity.
In conclusion, I don’t want to overdo this message. No one is ever perfectly ready to date, or 100 percent healed. If you wait to reach an ideal state of preparation to begin dating, life will pass you by as you are stuck in perpetual healing mode, where you constantly say to yourself and others, “I’m just working on me.” That is not the message I intend to convey. I am simply suggesting that you be intentional about your healing and personal growth in the process of making important discoveries about yourself and have the insight to approach your new marriage with more deliberate intent and greater emotional maturity.
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About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community, and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
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