Now is a confusing time to be a man. In this day and age, a father that tries to be the head of the house is often looked upon as a misogynist dinosaur. On the other hand, a father who does not try to be the head of the house is looked upon as weak and, sometimes, a deadbeat abdicating his duty. Where does a dad really fit into the lives of his children—especially a single dad? Many of you are trying to be full-time parents and full-time breadwinners for two households. When single mothers have similar challenges, we are sympathetic. But we expect men to be Superman and equal to any challenge. When an overwhelming situation presents itself to a male loved one, we tell them to, “be a man!”
If a man becomes depressed or overwhelmed while going through a divorce, again, there is little empathy. I have known so many divorced men who have lost their jobs during or shortly after their divorces that I have almost learned to expect a job loss or major business setback when I hear of men getting divorced. When these additional trials are added to the divorce and the rest of his mounting pile of problems, he is often looked upon with judgment rather than the sympathy we might offer to a woman in similar circumstances. If you have a loved one divorcing, please give him compassion and not judgment. (He is probably tearing himself inside out already trying to answer unanswerable questions.) Focus on ministering to a fellow child of God in pain, rather than trying to determine fault.
Brothers, as difficult as it may be (and I know from personal experience), it will only make a painful and difficult situation worse to let everything go, thinking “what’s the use?” or repeating your divorce story over and over to anyone and everyone who will listen—and then defending yourself. You won’t want to, but resolve to show up with faith and strength. If you are experiencing frequent visits from the all-too-common feeling of having been kicked in the stomach or chest, resolve to do things that reflect strength instead of weakness—and ask God to lend you the strength you need. The following ideas will bless your life:
- Set your alarm in the morning.
- Get up and go to work even if you don’t feel like it.
- Pay your bills on time.
- Even if you have debts and lack sufficient income, organize your financial obligations on a spreadsheet. (The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.)
- Get vigorous physical exercise (preferably daily) for the mood lift it provides. (You won’t feel like it—but you will be glad you did it!)
- Create a bedtime ritual to clear your mind, so you won’t develop insomnia by lying in bed dwelling on your problems.
- Plan meaningful activities with your children and be intentional in how you show up to be a positive influence in their lives.
- Use your time when they are with their mother to improve yourself and your situation in life.
- Intentionally surround yourself with positive people you can trust to love and support you. Whatever you do, don’t isolate!
- Intentionally schedule a little time every day to grieve—but do your best not to let it consume you during all your waking hours.
- Now that you are single, think deeply about what you want to do and who you want to become (including the kind of parent) now that you no longer need anyone else’s permission.
As single fathers, we have unique opportunities to make a difference in the lives of our children because we take care of them when their mother is not around. We cannot simply rely on their mothers to do all the nurturing, help with all the homework, run the kids to every soccer practice, bandage all the skinned knees, give comfort to the teenager who just got dumped, or whatever else needs to be done. We have opportunities to become complete parents, rather than merely engaging in a division of labor with someone who serves a completely different role in their lives.
Divorced men and single fathers often get a bad rap. But we know most of them are not villains. Often when a divorcing woman gets compassion and sympathy, a single man gets suspicion. We want to challenge prevailing stereotypes and encourage and empower men to be the strong and loving fathers their children need and deserve. You make a profound difference with the choices you make. As you choose to show up intentionally, in your strength, and love your kids in all the ways that feel right and good to you, it is statistically proven that your children will do better in life. We challenge you to engage in intentional fatherhood.
Wishing you the happiest (belated) Fathers’ Day during this month we celebrate fathers. We honor and value your service to your families and your persistence with staying in your children’s lives. Enjoy this week’s podcasts and videos honoring fathers.
NEW PODCAST & VIDEOS
LILY Pod: Why Fathers Count
LILY Tube: Single Fathers are NOT Villains
LILY Short: Divine Motivation
LILY Pod BONUS: Women, Let’s Not Underestimate Our Men
About the Author
Jeff Teichert, and his wife Cathy Butler Teichert, are the founders of “Love in Later Years,” which ministers to Latter-day Saint single adults seeking peace, healing, and more joyful relationships. They are co-authors of the Amazon bestseller Intentional Courtship: A Mid-Singles Guide to Peace, Progress and Pairing Up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeff and Cathy each spent nearly a decade in the mid-singles community and they use that experience to provide counsel and hope to mid-singles and later married couples through written articles, podcasts, and videos. Jeff and Cathy are both Advanced Certified Life Coaches and have university degrees in Family & Human Development. They are the parents of a blended family that includes four handsome sons, one lovely daughter-in-law, and a sweet baby granddaughter.
Purchase Jeff & Cathy’s book Intentional Courtship:
Discover 6-Steps to recover from divorce and design a life you love with Jeff & Cathy’s “Life Design After Divorce” 12-week COURSE. Register here: lilywebinars.com/order-page
Connect with Jeff & Cathy:
Website: http://www.loveinlateryears.com/
Podcast: https://anchor.fm/loveinlateryears
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/loveinlateryears
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/LoveInLaterYears
Instagram: http://instagram.com/loveinlateryears/
Email:
lo**************@gm***.com
