Editor’s Note:  Richard Eyre’s 12-article series last year gave added perspective to the Gospel and its Restoration by viewing both through a familycentric lens.  He is now adding a half dozen additional family-focused essays, of which this is the fourth (to see all of the earlier articles in the series, click here.)

Author’s Note:  If you are looking for the article on discernment and the Holy Ghost that I mentioned last week, I have postponed it until next weekend because there are some things about “seniors” that I felt needed saying in connection with the last article on demographics and population.

“Seniors”

Linda and I have traveled extensively throughout north and south Asia, and we lived, with all of our children, for one summer in Japan. One thing we have come to admire, even covet, about most Asian culture is the respect, deference, honor, and relevance that is given to grandparents and great grandparents—indeed to all “Seniors.”

We see the opposite in most of Europe, and even more so here in the U.S. where, despite their disproportionate allocation of wealth and wisdom, seniors are largely viewed as irrelevant and invisible, even burdensome.

This is both interesting and disturbing, since it is the “senior segment” of our population that is growing fastest! As fertility rates and birthrates decline, and as people live longer and longer, it is the 70+ age group that is increasing most rapidly, both in total numbers and as a percentage of the population.

Here in the U.S., I think more than anywhere, we worship youth and try to cling on to it in ways that are both unnatural and unbecoming.  From fashion to plastic surgery to language, the older try to emulate the younger, when it should be the other way around.

And this seems to be as true in the Church as in the world.

And it should not be so.

The matriarchs and patriarchs of our families—those who have lived longest and had the most experience, those who connect us to our ancestors and lineage, those who have known the Gospel for the longest and likely experienced the Spirit the most, not only deserve to be honored and listened to and sought out for advice, they also ought to be more “used” in wards and stakes and more connected to the youth that are two or three generations further up the family tree.

“Senior” is a funny word in Western countries.  In business and the commercial and political world, everyone wants to be a “senior partner” or “senior advisor” or “senior editor,” but too often in family and church and community culture, seniors are out of it, or out of touch, or out of view.

Among seniors themselves, other words are often preferred.  The older divisions in golf or tennis, for example are called “masters.” And maybe that is a better word, given the time and practice that has allowed them to master the game.  Maybe that is true also for the game of life.

Families

“Family” also has a different meaning in most other cultures of the world.  When Asians or Europeans or South Americans or Africans say their word for family, it usually means extended families—at least three generations—most often all living together under the same roof.  Our more limited definition—of the nuclear family, just parents and kids, the second and third generation living together—is part of our problem. It walls off the first generation, living them alone or in a “home” with limited contact with and influence within the families that they created.

And if there was ever a time when the second generation and the third generation needed help from and teamwork with the first generation, it is now.  With both parents working in most cases, grandparents become essential in sharing the responsibility and stewardship of kids who should be relying more on family and less on peers and social media to shape their beliefs and their character.

Church

Unfortunately, we see the negative influence of this incomplete, less extended definition of family within the Church as well. There is a tendency to take for granted the emotional, financial, and spiritual self-sufficiency of senior Church members who often, in fact, have grave needs in all three of these categories

The sense of irrelevance and invisibility that seniors can feel in our wards and stakes is a real issue; and the huge irony of course is that while older members are often shelved at the local level, they constitute 100% of senior leadership in the Church.

What can be done? 

We have a Church Auxiliary to monitor and support and supplement the needs of most parts of the family.  The Primary for the young children.  Young Men and Young Women auxiliaries for adolescents and teens.  Relief Society for women, Priesthood quorums with callings and offices for men under 70 but rarely for those over 70.

It may be that some sort of Senior Auxiliary (or maybe it will be called a Masters Auxiliary) is already being discussed—that would seek to help and support those who are trying to be better grandparents, better empty-nest parents, better spouses, (or widows and widowers seeking new spouses or support groups) better citizens, better contributors. Having a presidency and board of such a General Auxiliary, with stake and ward counterparts, and doing things like providing Worldwide broadcasts, Face to Face Churchwide electronic gatherings and trainings and idea exchanges could make so much difference for so many.

And speaking of “many” some have estimated that there are now some three million Church members who are over 70 years old.

In the meantime—and it does feel like a “mean time” to many seniors who are feeling underappreciated, underserved, and irrelevant—we can all do our part within our own families to “honor the senior) fathers and mothers of our families that their days (and our days) may be long in the land.”

Such is not an act of charity or compassion (though it may include both of those); it is a smart move that utilizes a great asset and that will bring greater love, learning, breadth, teamwork and connection to our families

How we Seniors/Masters can make Ourselves More Relevant

It’s one thing to talk about how younger people can (and should) make older people more valued and more relevant, but it would be wrong to end this article without a little focus on how those older people (Linda and I among them) can make ourselves more relevant.

And there are a lot of ways!  We know folks in their seventies and eighties who not only serve in the Temple and go on missions, but who volunteer in schools, work in nonprofits and charitable organizations, and start second careers.  Our relevance is a direct product of what we decide to do in the fourth quarter or the fifth set or the final movement of our lives. Being “anxiously engaged” in good causes becomes more rather than less important as we get older. There are many avenues and aspects in which we can contribute.

But I want to conclude by focusing on just one aspect—the family aspect.  Because I believe that there are four contributions, four roles-to-play if you will, that can be best made, and best played, by grandparents.

Linda and I call it The T.E.A.M. Approach to Proactive Grandparenting and we guarantee that it will make you relevant within the most important universe you live in—your family.

First, the term implies team-ing up with your children the parents.  If we acknowledge that they are the ones with the responsibility and the stewardship of their children, but pose ourselves as the willing support mechanism, as the back-ups and the helpers, we can form a coalition that can give our grandkids more of what they need and ease some of the responsibility that can weigh so heavily on our children.  This might involve regular conversations with your children/parents where you ask. and they tell you. how each child is doing and what they would (and wouldn’t) want your help with.

Second, TEAM is an acronym for the four roles that grandparents can play better than anyone else.  We can BE four crucial things to our grandkids, and play four crucial roles in our three-generation families. We can all be the Trunk the Ear, the Assembler, and the Match.

The Trunk represents being the one who connects the branches of our children and grandchildren with the roots of our ancestors. Research shows that making this connection helps kids to be more resilient and to have a sense of identity and place in this disrupted world.

The Ear symbolizes the unique way that grandparents can listen to and connect with grandchildren, forming a unique relationship of trust, support, and confidence that lasts a lifetime. And of course, much of this communication and connection needs to be online and on the social media that our grandkids use.

Being the Assembler is about creating and managing gatherings and reunions, Sunday dinners, and other get-togethers that unite families, bond cousins, and create strong relationships and synergy between family members. The specifics of how and where depend on individual circumstances of course, but togetherness, in person or online, is the key to unity.

The Match suggests that while we all want to give to or help our grandkids materially or financially as much as we are able, it needs to be done in ways that generate motivation and self-initiative rather than entitlement. Helping kids learn to earn and save and then providing a 1:1 match to double what they have is the fundamental method to use.

For more detail on the T.E.A.M. approach, see article 9 in this series.

Simple Conclusion

Whether we are children or parents or grandchildren or society at large, we all need to do what we can to hold the seniors or masters of our society in greater value, greater esteem, greater relevance, and greater use and utility within our lives.  It is the classic opportunity for a win-win, and for the benefit of everyone and all.

And as seniors/masters, we need to take the initiative, and both look for and pray for ongoing chances to contribute and serve within our wards and communities, and particularly within our families.  Our families are not complete without us.

Richard Eyre is a New York Times #1 Bestselling Author who lectures throughout the world on matters of family, life-balance, and the spirit.