You have touched upon a subject that way too many of us have dealt with or are dealing with. In my situation and I'm sure many others, pretty much it boils down to the loss of the spirit in those who have stopped communicating or are angry with us.
Judy PetersonJuly 14, 2024
I have two sons, whose wives have decided their families should have nothing to do with me, and have very cruel he cut me off. It is true there are parents who have been abusive or toxic or manipulative, but I have not, and in truth, I’ve had much therapy that has verified that whatever issues I have, they are not any that would affect these families in any relationship with me. I have three daughters in law, who think I am an amazing mother-in-law. This article is so true. My heart is broken for all the time with my grandchildren that I am missing, and even more than that, what day are learning or perhaps I should say, but they are not learning about communication and relationships and loyalty. I know that my savior can heal my family. and I trust that he ultimately will. I doubt that it will be in this life, however. I send birthday cards to my grandchildren. Whether their parents let them have them or not, I don’t know. All I can do is pray for them. and let them go and spend my life thinking about the many people in my life who love me and think I’m a fabulous person. And that includes my Savior and my heavenly father. I am responsible for my faults and weaknesses, and my repentance is my business, but none of it has had anything to do with my treatment of these children and grandchildren that I love so much. It is so sad.
Angel EllinghausenJuly 10, 2024
I got canceled by my 28 year old daughter for saying the name of her former husband. I didn't even mention anything about him, exactly. I referred to the period of time when she was married to him, during which time her anxiety was severe. She has since improved somewhat. I did not know that her "boundaries" extended to Pluto. I don't call or text. I send gift cards or have Amazon drop ship her things. I try to stay in her life, but it's not working. Her siblings have mercy on me and let me know how she is doing. I'm grateful for them.
SallyJuly 10, 2024
About 2 years ago my oldest son and his wife cut off a younger brother whose behavior they did not like. There was no warning, no let's talk about this, no discussion with me or him about what his offenses were. He did not commit a moral sin or harm any family member. He is out spoken. He jokes, he teases. He is the unmarried favorite uncle of most of the kids. He is a lot of fun! He's not perfect. He can get on your nerves but he does no harm. To us it seemed out of the blue that they had decided to cancel him for 2 years as a probationary time. They will not come to family events or to our home if he is present. My husband had passed away from cancer just 8 months prior. We were very vulnerable still dealing with grief. It was crushing to me. They apologized the "timing was bad" but none the less, did it it was not up for discussion.
He tried to apologize and find out what he did so he could repent and repair the relationship. They refused to discuss it with any of us but they did text me a "list of sins". None of them punishable by law or church court. They were simply dealing with hurt feelings. it was the only conclusion we could come to due to the no discussion rule. He couldn't understand why they had a list and why they didn't say something sooner about this list so he could be more careful or their feelings. They had gone to their bishop and with him decided the punishment of this 2 year banishment or cancellation. He was not allowed to contact any of them or their children. If he came to their house they would call the police.
My youngest daughter get engaged. She wants her older nieces to join the bridal party as brides maids and all the little girls, there is a bunch of them, to be flower girls! She is only 7 years older than her oldest niece and that niece was 18. She asked the 14 and 18 yr olds to be bridesmaids. And the little one to be a flower girl and wants her oldest brother to lead off the father daughter dance as she switches form brother to brother. She has four of them. They agree. When they realize the "other brother" is also coming to the wedding they back track everything. That brother said he will not talk to any of them or their children and will stay far away from they. He is is very close to this youngest sister and she wants him there. In the end only the oldest son will come and his oldest daughter if she wants, she can choose, she's 18. the rest of the family will not come.
That means all 3 of her nephews, and 2 nieces. My daughter is heart broken. She loves those kids. She doesn't have a list of sins, but they will make her pay. I try to negotiate a compromise. Just come to the temple for family pictures. They say no. Just come to the reception for family pictures. No. I use the words right out of the Book of Mormon and beg and plead with all the words of a tender parent but they will not relent. she has to chose the older brother and his family or the brother she grew up with and loves as well.
It's not right.
I intervene again and remind my DIL, because all of the communication is coming from her, that when they got married we sacrificed any of our desires and deferred everything to her parents who ignored her and my sons wishes for type of reception they wanted. They asked me if we could do a second reception with the music and dancing and fun they wanted. We agreed. As a result her mother would not speak to me again. We had served as mission companions years ago. Her dad remained friendly but we didn't interact due to the different towns we lived in.
Some 10 years later they move out of state and she sends me a text apologizing for her behavior and acknowledged that i had extended the olive branch and she refused it. All these years we might have been friends and our families might have been friends. She regretted that. I pleaded with my DIL not to make the same mistake, have some compassion and come to the wedding.
This sent my DIL is a frenzy and she pulled out my "list of sins" and cancelled me on the spot and told me NEVER to communicate with her in anyway again. I could talk to my son if he is agreeable and all interaction with the grandchildren will be chaperoned.
It's been 2 years and my son's "probation time" is coming up. He still doesn't know what he has to do to prove he is worthy. No one knows. All 5 of his other siblings and their families are touched by the consequences of this cancellation. And perhaps me the most since mine probation is forever. We await to hear from them.
I don't understand how they can justify all this, hold a temple recommend and serve as a Relief Society president. I served as one 3 times in my life with many other callings and it pained me to see this kind of control and unrighteous dominion in families and never once thought is would happen to me. We loved each other.
There is nothing we can do except pray for hearts to soften.
They have all the power and you get to live with all the pain.
I'm grateful for my other children who support me and grandchildren I get to see and hug. My DIL once told my other two daughters how she was glad none of this affected their friendship. My oldest told her point blank that she was mistaken. "You hurt one member of the family and you hurt us all. Nothing is the same."
Cancelled, what a word, describes exactly how I am.
Patsy SwinsonJuly 10, 2024
It is NOT rare for parents to be toxic and abusive. There are many instances of offspring having to cut ties with parents who treat them badly. It's not the fault of the children, who may have spent many years struggling to have some kind of relationship with people who never even wanted them. I've seen this a number of times and I have lived it myself.
KyleJuly 9, 2024
My wife and I just recently completed one year of being shunned or cancelled by our young adult son and his wife after making the grave error of sharing a couple of pics(on social media)of their newborn daughter just two days after having been born. The post was deleted 2 hours later but the damage was already done. It's painful and hurts your heart so much. They live 3 miles away but they might as well live on the other side of the planet. We don't seem to bump into them ever. We invite them, via text, to every get together we host. Super bowl party, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial day bbq, etc but they don't reply. They don't invite us or any of my son's siblings to any of their events. None of the children's birthday parties. Oh yeah, my son has 2 children. One who is 4 yrs old and one who is a year old now. When they had an LDS baby blessing none of my son's family was invited. We learned of it after the fact in the evening when a few relatives saw some pics on social media and noticed a lot of family members were curiously absent. My wife cried hard that night. She had asked them 2 months earlier to please invite us to a baby blessing. We are ok with sitting far away. That's fine, but please let us know of the date and place. They didn't say a peep until it was already done. Not a single person from my son's family got the invite. Not even the siblings he still likes or his grandparents that I think are still very much beloved. I have no idea how long this will go on? I did not think it would be one year and counting. I thought and kept thinking through 2023 that I would think of something that would be effective in establishing some communication and good will between us. I sent him texts every month or 2 to let him know I missed him and missed having him and his family in our home. I sent him a card through snail mail just letting him know we missed them. And I do miss the young man he was just 2 years ago. So helpful and cheerful and lovely. Now it feels like I lost him to a cult. Never replies to texts, never calls, never invites us to anything, never shares photos or video of his kids with us (even after we asked him to). This should be viewed and discussed as a form of adult bullying or something akin to it. I think this could be the most hurtful thing you can do to parents without breaking any laws? I wish I had a happy ending to share but as of yet there isn't one.
GramJoyJuly 8, 2024
This really hit home! Not with my children, but with my daughter-in-law. She was offended by a remark that 2 of my children said about Covid 4 years ago. She didn't want to participate in any family activities, blaming Covid and fear of getting ill, and so when I sent an email to my children and their spouses, I closed with a paragraph directed to her, saying that if she didn't want to come I understood. She was offended that I singled her out, and then told my son that I wasn't to comment or 'like' any of her social media post. I commented on one post about one of my grands and she had my son text me to say that I crossed her boundary!!!! PURE manipulation.
M TribeJuly 8, 2024
Very insightful look into the causes. The "what can we do" at the end focuses on prevention. I was hoping for "what can we do" once it has happened and parents have been completely cut off from a young adult.
AnonymousJuly 8, 2024
This has just recently happened to me. It came out of the blue from a daughter who called almost every day. The heartbreaking thing is I now am not able to see or talk to my grandson. The grief is real and so deep. I called to ask her if I had done anything etc and she said they were just busy and she wanted to focus on her IMMEDIATE family and no one else. Prior to all this, we had a close, loving relationship. It's been devastating.
WendyJuly 8, 2024
After reading this article I wanted to ask if you always disagree with breaking from a parent, regardless of the history ?
My husband and I have done this with his mother after 30 years of marriage, and asking her countless times to treat us with respect and kindness, and she has continued with the same behaviour.
Don’t get me wrong, this comes with guilt and wondering if we have done the right thing, especially with how we feel about family relationships and the importance of them. But even with the conflicting feelings, we feel more peace now than when we did having her in our lives with her constant need of control, always wondering what would be next.
I am a mother and a grandmother now and it isn’t t difficult for me to be kind to my adult children and spouses and let them govern their time themselves. In fact we feel that because they are in control of their own lives, they actually want to be a part of our lives and we are grateful for that.
I am worn down from being a doormat for so long. and I feel like I have tried my hardest to make things better with her, but every time we have talked to her, she tells us she has absolutely no regrets and sees no reason to change her behaviour, even when we have taken the initiative and apologized for bad feelings between us and looking for ways we can do better. . Long story short, are there times when it is healthy to not have contact with parents?
JudithJuly 8, 2024
We have experienced this painful situation as a parents. I know of other good, loving parents that are coping with this in their families too. Your suggestions are sound. Showing love and being patient and consistent resolved our estrangement. Grateful that you named some of the underlying causes for this epidemic.
John GreeneJuly 8, 2024
The youngest of my three children, now age 42, hasn't spoken to me or her mother since 2005. There was no argument or situation that led to this. She just stopped communicating with us. We don't know why. She had continued a close relationship with her two siblings (they all live in the LA area, we live in the East) until about two years ago when she cut them off also. She has aunts, uncles, and cousins who haven't seen or heard from her in twenty years. She has cut off the whole family. In my view, there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait. Every day I ask my Father in heaven to watch over her, to speak with her, and to bless her. I am confident that He sent her to this family for a reason. And when the time is right, He will bless her in some way that will change her heart.
Comments | Return to Story
Corey D.July 18, 2024
You have touched upon a subject that way too many of us have dealt with or are dealing with. In my situation and I'm sure many others, pretty much it boils down to the loss of the spirit in those who have stopped communicating or are angry with us.
Judy PetersonJuly 14, 2024
I have two sons, whose wives have decided their families should have nothing to do with me, and have very cruel he cut me off. It is true there are parents who have been abusive or toxic or manipulative, but I have not, and in truth, I’ve had much therapy that has verified that whatever issues I have, they are not any that would affect these families in any relationship with me. I have three daughters in law, who think I am an amazing mother-in-law. This article is so true. My heart is broken for all the time with my grandchildren that I am missing, and even more than that, what day are learning or perhaps I should say, but they are not learning about communication and relationships and loyalty. I know that my savior can heal my family. and I trust that he ultimately will. I doubt that it will be in this life, however. I send birthday cards to my grandchildren. Whether their parents let them have them or not, I don’t know. All I can do is pray for them. and let them go and spend my life thinking about the many people in my life who love me and think I’m a fabulous person. And that includes my Savior and my heavenly father. I am responsible for my faults and weaknesses, and my repentance is my business, but none of it has had anything to do with my treatment of these children and grandchildren that I love so much. It is so sad.
Angel EllinghausenJuly 10, 2024
I got canceled by my 28 year old daughter for saying the name of her former husband. I didn't even mention anything about him, exactly. I referred to the period of time when she was married to him, during which time her anxiety was severe. She has since improved somewhat. I did not know that her "boundaries" extended to Pluto. I don't call or text. I send gift cards or have Amazon drop ship her things. I try to stay in her life, but it's not working. Her siblings have mercy on me and let me know how she is doing. I'm grateful for them.
SallyJuly 10, 2024
About 2 years ago my oldest son and his wife cut off a younger brother whose behavior they did not like. There was no warning, no let's talk about this, no discussion with me or him about what his offenses were. He did not commit a moral sin or harm any family member. He is out spoken. He jokes, he teases. He is the unmarried favorite uncle of most of the kids. He is a lot of fun! He's not perfect. He can get on your nerves but he does no harm. To us it seemed out of the blue that they had decided to cancel him for 2 years as a probationary time. They will not come to family events or to our home if he is present. My husband had passed away from cancer just 8 months prior. We were very vulnerable still dealing with grief. It was crushing to me. They apologized the "timing was bad" but none the less, did it it was not up for discussion. He tried to apologize and find out what he did so he could repent and repair the relationship. They refused to discuss it with any of us but they did text me a "list of sins". None of them punishable by law or church court. They were simply dealing with hurt feelings. it was the only conclusion we could come to due to the no discussion rule. He couldn't understand why they had a list and why they didn't say something sooner about this list so he could be more careful or their feelings. They had gone to their bishop and with him decided the punishment of this 2 year banishment or cancellation. He was not allowed to contact any of them or their children. If he came to their house they would call the police. My youngest daughter get engaged. She wants her older nieces to join the bridal party as brides maids and all the little girls, there is a bunch of them, to be flower girls! She is only 7 years older than her oldest niece and that niece was 18. She asked the 14 and 18 yr olds to be bridesmaids. And the little one to be a flower girl and wants her oldest brother to lead off the father daughter dance as she switches form brother to brother. She has four of them. They agree. When they realize the "other brother" is also coming to the wedding they back track everything. That brother said he will not talk to any of them or their children and will stay far away from they. He is is very close to this youngest sister and she wants him there. In the end only the oldest son will come and his oldest daughter if she wants, she can choose, she's 18. the rest of the family will not come. That means all 3 of her nephews, and 2 nieces. My daughter is heart broken. She loves those kids. She doesn't have a list of sins, but they will make her pay. I try to negotiate a compromise. Just come to the temple for family pictures. They say no. Just come to the reception for family pictures. No. I use the words right out of the Book of Mormon and beg and plead with all the words of a tender parent but they will not relent. she has to chose the older brother and his family or the brother she grew up with and loves as well. It's not right. I intervene again and remind my DIL, because all of the communication is coming from her, that when they got married we sacrificed any of our desires and deferred everything to her parents who ignored her and my sons wishes for type of reception they wanted. They asked me if we could do a second reception with the music and dancing and fun they wanted. We agreed. As a result her mother would not speak to me again. We had served as mission companions years ago. Her dad remained friendly but we didn't interact due to the different towns we lived in. Some 10 years later they move out of state and she sends me a text apologizing for her behavior and acknowledged that i had extended the olive branch and she refused it. All these years we might have been friends and our families might have been friends. She regretted that. I pleaded with my DIL not to make the same mistake, have some compassion and come to the wedding. This sent my DIL is a frenzy and she pulled out my "list of sins" and cancelled me on the spot and told me NEVER to communicate with her in anyway again. I could talk to my son if he is agreeable and all interaction with the grandchildren will be chaperoned. It's been 2 years and my son's "probation time" is coming up. He still doesn't know what he has to do to prove he is worthy. No one knows. All 5 of his other siblings and their families are touched by the consequences of this cancellation. And perhaps me the most since mine probation is forever. We await to hear from them. I don't understand how they can justify all this, hold a temple recommend and serve as a Relief Society president. I served as one 3 times in my life with many other callings and it pained me to see this kind of control and unrighteous dominion in families and never once thought is would happen to me. We loved each other. There is nothing we can do except pray for hearts to soften. They have all the power and you get to live with all the pain. I'm grateful for my other children who support me and grandchildren I get to see and hug. My DIL once told my other two daughters how she was glad none of this affected their friendship. My oldest told her point blank that she was mistaken. "You hurt one member of the family and you hurt us all. Nothing is the same." Cancelled, what a word, describes exactly how I am.
Patsy SwinsonJuly 10, 2024
It is NOT rare for parents to be toxic and abusive. There are many instances of offspring having to cut ties with parents who treat them badly. It's not the fault of the children, who may have spent many years struggling to have some kind of relationship with people who never even wanted them. I've seen this a number of times and I have lived it myself.
KyleJuly 9, 2024
My wife and I just recently completed one year of being shunned or cancelled by our young adult son and his wife after making the grave error of sharing a couple of pics(on social media)of their newborn daughter just two days after having been born. The post was deleted 2 hours later but the damage was already done. It's painful and hurts your heart so much. They live 3 miles away but they might as well live on the other side of the planet. We don't seem to bump into them ever. We invite them, via text, to every get together we host. Super bowl party, Thanksgiving, Easter, Memorial day bbq, etc but they don't reply. They don't invite us or any of my son's siblings to any of their events. None of the children's birthday parties. Oh yeah, my son has 2 children. One who is 4 yrs old and one who is a year old now. When they had an LDS baby blessing none of my son's family was invited. We learned of it after the fact in the evening when a few relatives saw some pics on social media and noticed a lot of family members were curiously absent. My wife cried hard that night. She had asked them 2 months earlier to please invite us to a baby blessing. We are ok with sitting far away. That's fine, but please let us know of the date and place. They didn't say a peep until it was already done. Not a single person from my son's family got the invite. Not even the siblings he still likes or his grandparents that I think are still very much beloved. I have no idea how long this will go on? I did not think it would be one year and counting. I thought and kept thinking through 2023 that I would think of something that would be effective in establishing some communication and good will between us. I sent him texts every month or 2 to let him know I missed him and missed having him and his family in our home. I sent him a card through snail mail just letting him know we missed them. And I do miss the young man he was just 2 years ago. So helpful and cheerful and lovely. Now it feels like I lost him to a cult. Never replies to texts, never calls, never invites us to anything, never shares photos or video of his kids with us (even after we asked him to). This should be viewed and discussed as a form of adult bullying or something akin to it. I think this could be the most hurtful thing you can do to parents without breaking any laws? I wish I had a happy ending to share but as of yet there isn't one.
GramJoyJuly 8, 2024
This really hit home! Not with my children, but with my daughter-in-law. She was offended by a remark that 2 of my children said about Covid 4 years ago. She didn't want to participate in any family activities, blaming Covid and fear of getting ill, and so when I sent an email to my children and their spouses, I closed with a paragraph directed to her, saying that if she didn't want to come I understood. She was offended that I singled her out, and then told my son that I wasn't to comment or 'like' any of her social media post. I commented on one post about one of my grands and she had my son text me to say that I crossed her boundary!!!! PURE manipulation.
M TribeJuly 8, 2024
Very insightful look into the causes. The "what can we do" at the end focuses on prevention. I was hoping for "what can we do" once it has happened and parents have been completely cut off from a young adult.
AnonymousJuly 8, 2024
This has just recently happened to me. It came out of the blue from a daughter who called almost every day. The heartbreaking thing is I now am not able to see or talk to my grandson. The grief is real and so deep. I called to ask her if I had done anything etc and she said they were just busy and she wanted to focus on her IMMEDIATE family and no one else. Prior to all this, we had a close, loving relationship. It's been devastating.
WendyJuly 8, 2024
After reading this article I wanted to ask if you always disagree with breaking from a parent, regardless of the history ? My husband and I have done this with his mother after 30 years of marriage, and asking her countless times to treat us with respect and kindness, and she has continued with the same behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, this comes with guilt and wondering if we have done the right thing, especially with how we feel about family relationships and the importance of them. But even with the conflicting feelings, we feel more peace now than when we did having her in our lives with her constant need of control, always wondering what would be next. I am a mother and a grandmother now and it isn’t t difficult for me to be kind to my adult children and spouses and let them govern their time themselves. In fact we feel that because they are in control of their own lives, they actually want to be a part of our lives and we are grateful for that. I am worn down from being a doormat for so long. and I feel like I have tried my hardest to make things better with her, but every time we have talked to her, she tells us she has absolutely no regrets and sees no reason to change her behaviour, even when we have taken the initiative and apologized for bad feelings between us and looking for ways we can do better. . Long story short, are there times when it is healthy to not have contact with parents?
JudithJuly 8, 2024
We have experienced this painful situation as a parents. I know of other good, loving parents that are coping with this in their families too. Your suggestions are sound. Showing love and being patient and consistent resolved our estrangement. Grateful that you named some of the underlying causes for this epidemic.
John GreeneJuly 8, 2024
The youngest of my three children, now age 42, hasn't spoken to me or her mother since 2005. There was no argument or situation that led to this. She just stopped communicating with us. We don't know why. She had continued a close relationship with her two siblings (they all live in the LA area, we live in the East) until about two years ago when she cut them off also. She has aunts, uncles, and cousins who haven't seen or heard from her in twenty years. She has cut off the whole family. In my view, there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait. Every day I ask my Father in heaven to watch over her, to speak with her, and to bless her. I am confident that He sent her to this family for a reason. And when the time is right, He will bless her in some way that will change her heart.
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