I didn't say anywhere that gifts shouldn't matter to her. She mentions that she didn't think he cared for her because he stopped giving gifts. I was saying that she should notice if he does other things for her. You don't know why he stopped giving gifts. Maybe he had help at the beginning of the marriage with ideas on things to give her. Maybe she let him know in no uncertain terms that she expected gifts so he had to tell her "I'm sorry I'm not living up to your expectations." Why would you let something like that build up in your mind until it affects your marriage. Instead you put your arms around your husband and let him know how much you appreciate him for everything he does. That would change their marriage. This woman needs to focus on other things and not get so depressed about the gift giving. I say this from experience.
MelMay 22, 2018
After 19 years of marriage, I have gotten to the point where giving gifts has become a chore. Think about how many "special" days there are... Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's/Father's day, Anniversary, etc., etc. Add in 5 kids and the list gets longer. Then add in work stress, travel, too many kids' activities, and more, and it becomes hard. I used to give great, thoughtful gifts, but am a bit burnt out to be honest. It is important to be thoughtful, but easy to be forgetful too. Or stressed out about what to get or "topping" the last gift. If it is important to you, then yes, you should talk to him about it. But just because he has stopped doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care.
Curtis CoeMay 21, 2018
I don't find anywhere you said how you showed your appreciation for the gifts that he gave you. I know my gift giving would slow down if I didn't receive some gratitude for them. You said that you were surprised to receive any gifts from him before and that you never expected to receive them. Why? And what was your response when he gave you gifts? I suspect his feelings have been hurt in some way.
ElizabethMay 21, 2018
Thinking that the husband must have a different love language doesn't excuse the behaviour here, because he *did* give gifts and then stopped abruptly, and refuses to continue showing love in that way. Jean, obviously you know that you have a different language than the letter writer, so why are telling her that gifts shouldn't matter to her? Being broke isn't a factor--she says some of the best gifts cost nothing. He cared before, and doesn't now, which is the crux of the matter in this letter. There's more going on here--it isn't the letter writer being oblivious to her husband's actions.
LynMay 18, 2018
I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is can be one of the most painful things a person can go through. There is something going on with him! He either has mental problems or he is somehow (emotionally and/or physically) committing adultry. His comment to you is the tell tale sign. He was controlling and manipulative his answer. Be very careful not to allow him to control you with such answers. Stay calm and bite your tongue before you allow yourself to become emotional and cry in front of him. (Tell yourself you are not allowed to cry and you will cry in the shower later or while ever you have to because he will control the situation if you cry.) Bring the conversation back to the topic
instead of allowing him to deflect the question with controlling statements like he gave you. You need to and Havel a right to know what is going on.
JeanMay 18, 2018
I'm sure other people will recognize this but it sounds like receiving gifts is the love language for this person. I learned a lot from the book "Five Love Languages". (Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Quality time, Physical touch, and receiving gifts.) She should watch and see if he does other things for her and then she'll know she's appreciated and loved. For me, gifts aren't so important. If we are broke or have other things going on, I don't expect a gift. However, my husband does many acts of service for me and I try to let him know he's appreciated every time. Maybe this husband didn't know or feel appreciated for one of his gifts to his wife, and he gave up. Or maybe it was a stretch for him to find gifts and now he feels more comfortable in his marriage and does other things. I just feel we should let our spouse know they are appreciated for whatever they do.
Anneke GraceMay 18, 2018
I recommend the book The Five Love Languages. We have various was of feeling loved.
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JeanMay 22, 2018
I didn't say anywhere that gifts shouldn't matter to her. She mentions that she didn't think he cared for her because he stopped giving gifts. I was saying that she should notice if he does other things for her. You don't know why he stopped giving gifts. Maybe he had help at the beginning of the marriage with ideas on things to give her. Maybe she let him know in no uncertain terms that she expected gifts so he had to tell her "I'm sorry I'm not living up to your expectations." Why would you let something like that build up in your mind until it affects your marriage. Instead you put your arms around your husband and let him know how much you appreciate him for everything he does. That would change their marriage. This woman needs to focus on other things and not get so depressed about the gift giving. I say this from experience.
MelMay 22, 2018
After 19 years of marriage, I have gotten to the point where giving gifts has become a chore. Think about how many "special" days there are... Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's/Father's day, Anniversary, etc., etc. Add in 5 kids and the list gets longer. Then add in work stress, travel, too many kids' activities, and more, and it becomes hard. I used to give great, thoughtful gifts, but am a bit burnt out to be honest. It is important to be thoughtful, but easy to be forgetful too. Or stressed out about what to get or "topping" the last gift. If it is important to you, then yes, you should talk to him about it. But just because he has stopped doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care.
Curtis CoeMay 21, 2018
I don't find anywhere you said how you showed your appreciation for the gifts that he gave you. I know my gift giving would slow down if I didn't receive some gratitude for them. You said that you were surprised to receive any gifts from him before and that you never expected to receive them. Why? And what was your response when he gave you gifts? I suspect his feelings have been hurt in some way.
ElizabethMay 21, 2018
Thinking that the husband must have a different love language doesn't excuse the behaviour here, because he *did* give gifts and then stopped abruptly, and refuses to continue showing love in that way. Jean, obviously you know that you have a different language than the letter writer, so why are telling her that gifts shouldn't matter to her? Being broke isn't a factor--she says some of the best gifts cost nothing. He cared before, and doesn't now, which is the crux of the matter in this letter. There's more going on here--it isn't the letter writer being oblivious to her husband's actions.
LynMay 18, 2018
I am sorry you are dealing with this. It is can be one of the most painful things a person can go through. There is something going on with him! He either has mental problems or he is somehow (emotionally and/or physically) committing adultry. His comment to you is the tell tale sign. He was controlling and manipulative his answer. Be very careful not to allow him to control you with such answers. Stay calm and bite your tongue before you allow yourself to become emotional and cry in front of him. (Tell yourself you are not allowed to cry and you will cry in the shower later or while ever you have to because he will control the situation if you cry.) Bring the conversation back to the topic instead of allowing him to deflect the question with controlling statements like he gave you. You need to and Havel a right to know what is going on.
JeanMay 18, 2018
I'm sure other people will recognize this but it sounds like receiving gifts is the love language for this person. I learned a lot from the book "Five Love Languages". (Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Quality time, Physical touch, and receiving gifts.) She should watch and see if he does other things for her and then she'll know she's appreciated and loved. For me, gifts aren't so important. If we are broke or have other things going on, I don't expect a gift. However, my husband does many acts of service for me and I try to let him know he's appreciated every time. Maybe this husband didn't know or feel appreciated for one of his gifts to his wife, and he gave up. Or maybe it was a stretch for him to find gifts and now he feels more comfortable in his marriage and does other things. I just feel we should let our spouse know they are appreciated for whatever they do.
Anneke GraceMay 18, 2018
I recommend the book The Five Love Languages. We have various was of feeling loved.
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