Wow! Excellent timely article. I love reading the comments too. I have had to distance myself from a toxic person or two now and then. It is a hard decision but such a relief. Often good comes of it. If not, people who can't take feedback and respond appropriately, or hear you will not improve anyway, right?
I have LDS in-laws who make questionable decisions. After letting my kids take one trip with them, and hearing from my kids how their grandparents neglected or over programmed them, I never allowed it again, although my husband was deeply worried about offending them. They instead took other cousins, then sent us pictures as if to rub it into our faces the fun our kids missed out on. When they sent us pictures of them taking the cousins to a casino, and eating only twinkies for breakfast every day, my husband agreed that we'd made the correct decision.
You HAVE to defend your children, first, and protect them.
Why would any mother not protect her children? Angry, malicious outbursts are not acceptable and may even be considered child abuse. Why expose children to abuse even if it is the grandmother whose behavior is in question? Above all, protect the children. So the grandmother's feelings are hurt if the kids aren't allowed to go alone with her. Obviously, that grandmother doesn't care if she hurts her own daughter's feelings.
Even if the grandmother hasn't lashed out at the kids, just the fact that the kids have witnessed the grandmother abusing the daughter (their mother) is sufficient enough to limit any contact with the grandmother. The description of the grandmother actually sounds like the grandmother may have a mental disorder.
This is a thoughtful response but I disagree that it should even be a consideration for the children to go with the grandmother for a month. Not only because a month is a long time for children to be away from their mother when it's not necessary ... but also because the grandmother has an inclination to outbursts. One difficult moment and these children are without the comfort of their own mother who knows how to diffuse the grandmother's temper and harshness, the children do not. I say no. Don't do it. Now or at all. Your mother has not shown herself to be worthy of precious time with your children.
Has your Mother ever lashed out at your kids , It really wasn't made clear in the article. If not and its just between you and her I don't see a problem letting them go.
The mother has a deeply ingrained pathology, that is only being made worse by age. Further, she may well not have the kind of humility or awareness that would cause her to admit that something is very wrong about her attitude towards her daughter and others. So, the daughter is being left with only two alternatives: hurt the mother's feelings by telling her that the kids won't go alone with her; or expose her kids to be damaged by Grandma by letting them go. The choice is obvious : priority to the kids' welfare. Grandma's track history of verbal abuse disqualifies her from any negative influence she may play against her Grandkids. Too bad if she takes it wrong, because it's her problem and no one else's.
Altho not exactly the same, this situation is close enough to my experiences, that I understand this mother. I, too, had to limit the time my children were with my mother. My youngest was definitely affected by too much "grandma time". Don't feel guilty by doing this. Your first responsibility is to your children. The advice that helped me lift the feeling of guilt, came from a family counselor. He said, "Your mother is broken in this life. She can not be fixed in this life." It was like lifting a mountain off my shoulders. I realized I would know the full person she was meant to be when we meet again in the spirit world.
The same format goes for spouses who need to be protected from their family-in-law. Toxic families-of-origin need to be kept at arm's length or cut off when the marriage and children, if any, are to survive. MARRIAGES and CHILDREN first!
so sorry for you that your mother treats you that way. my mother treats me okay but not my sister and one of my brothers. we found out she has dementia. there is NO WAY I WOULD LET MY CHILDREN TRAVEL ACROSS COUNTRY WITH ANY GRANDMOTHER WITHOUT ME GOING. sorry. I wouldn't allow my kids to travel with anyone by themselves. they are your children. I don't stand up to my mother either and I didn't my mother in law. I am a woose....my sister does and that is why my mother treats her that badly. I'm 65 yrs old and my sister is 62. my mother is 83. she treats us like we are children and its difficult to handle this. I say its time in a nice way to stand up to your mother. if she goes off like that...she needs to learn and its never too late that she cant get away with that.
I would never let someone take my children for a whole month without me anyway. It doesn't have to be about trust. Suggest to her that they just go on short trips that are less likely to lead to so much stress and to blow ups anyway.
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