Is it worth my time to wait for him? Should I even bother giving him a chance to be in my life?
The answer is NO and NO.
Let me add my voice in support of Geoff and those who commented. Please, for the sake of your peace and future, get as far away from this guy as possible. He could never have treated you the way he did if he really loved you. (If it’s bad before marriage, it virtually never gets any better afterward, just worse.)
I know it can seem like your only two options are to 1) stay in the relationship so you at least have some affection in your life (as anemic and untrustworthy as it is) or 2) let it go and be alone for an unknown period of time. Despite the pain of letting go, the second option is far healthier and results in far less long-term pain. It also leaves you free to build a relationship with a man who will truly value and cherish you.
Why do I say this? Because in a similar situation I didn't let go. I thought surely if I loved him enough and accepted his meager efforts, things would work out and I finally would have the love I dreamed of. That didn’t happen, and the relationship eventually ended anyway. In retrospect, I see that my choice just prolonged the pain and delayed my finding a healthy partner who really wanted a loving relationship.
In time, your heart will come to realize that it's far better to be without a partner than constantly aching for love your partner is unwilling to give.
Often we as women think that having a man in our life gives us value, so we cling to relationships that aren’t working, despite the ongoing pain. But with the Lord’s help we can let those relationships go and open our lives to the far greater good he has in store for us. When we realize our own divine worth, we no longer want to settle for less than a healthy, mutually loving relationship.
I pray you’ll be blessed in finding the Lord’s best path for you!
I married a man like this. In 30 years of marriage, he never changed. He said he did but he just got better at hiding his behavior. I thought it was my fault. If I were a better wife, thinner, prettier, nicer, less demanding, more complimentary . . . . I finally had to leave to survive and caused shattered hearts for my children, grandchildren and parents. He destroyed my health and broke my spirit. Find a man who respects and values you and cares how his actions affect you. You do not know what a blessing it is that you have realized what kind of man he is before you married him. Please listen to this advice and run for your life!
It is wonderful you are asking this question to a professional. I pray you wil be able to follow his excellent advice. When I joined the church, I left a relationship like this one behind. Although initially simple due to my strong testimony it became very difficult, as I truly did love him and was later lonely. I decided much later he simply had followed his father's example of consistent infidelity, as one explanation. He was not amenable to change through the Atonement, as Geoff explains. This principle is so very true, that the only real change, particularly when it comes to problems of the nature described, is through real repentance and the mercy of the Lord's Atonement. The ex fiancee was probably only willing to engage in individual therapy as he could still hide. He can't hide his behavior from you in couples therapy. There are some excellent articles in The Ensign Magazine for moving on. May the Lord keep you safe as youisten to His Holy Spirit.
May I voice a resounding AMEN! to this posting! You will never be mentally or emotionally safe with this man. You will become his slave, doing whatever he wants in order to show you love him, and you will spend your life hoping he loves you with no return of emotion from him. You will spend your life excusing and forgiving his infidelity. You deserve better. Your ability to love deserves a man with the same ability and desire to love you. Walking away from this abusive relationship will be the hardest thing to do in your life, but in the end it will be the greatest blessing. I watched a dear friend who was in this same relationship lose all her self-esteem and self-confidence and literally become a slave to a man who cared no more for her than the man you love. As one who has witnessed this, my advise is to RUN AWAY from this man and find a REAL man who loves you. RUN NOW!
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