To quote a comment by Paul Newman regarding infidelity, "Why would I go out for hamburger when I can get steak at home?" Repentance and forgiveness in the situation of the article did NOT solve the problem that happened in the first place. There was not enough talking/counseling about the "why" of the affair in the first place so she was getting her "steak" at home then and now. Responsibility belongs to both spouses in this case to prevent a relapse. It's easy to look at blame without looking at cause--the something missing.
I am appaled witnessing so much naiveté from the part of both spouses. The so-called friend is a wolf in sheep-skin, and a second affair between him and the woman would stand as the last nail on the marriage’s coffin. I remember President Hinckley stating that repented pedophiles in our Church should never be allowed to receive Church assignments that get them involved with children. Along the same lines, repented Adulterers should never be allowed or allow themselves to entertain any form of relationship with their former companion in sin.
I also experienced my spouse having multiple emotional and physical affairs. Each time he was forgiven and we stayed together for 24 years. His "last" affair was with my best (I thought) friend. I tried to forgive yet again. They both wanted us to remain friends as our families were very close (children and spouses). I just could not do it and we ended up divorcing.
I decided that I deserved someone who was really committed to me and that I had allowed myself to be abused because to do otherwise would not have been "Christian forgiving". In other words, I'd been manipulated by my husband so he could continue being unfaithful.
I'm sure there are those who truly repent and their affair is a one time deal. I learned that there are others that have affairs because it is who they are.
It's best to find out through some serious therapy which one you're married to. Wish I'd found out after the first one.
Wow! At the risk of sounding rude, I am excited to read a column in which the woman is at fault! I’ve been thinking that would not happen. Even my wife, an LCSW, has been dismayed that the overage of male-at-fault columns! Thank you for the reassurance that women can do wrong. Any man knows they can, but it’s best coming from someone with a degree hanging on the wall. . . . Meanwhile, I also found that the advice given to be very good and very solid. I had a friend go through the same experience, and his wife also wanted to keep a friendship alive with the ex-lover. Fortunately he and his wife were able to work it out with the very same advice given in this column. Thank you for this week’s column!
This is spot on! You cannot move ahead when one person is trying to reconnect with the "affair person" - period! I have seen this happen to others and I can see how devastating it is to the faithful partner. If the other person cannot commit after an affair, regardless of what you may think - the success factor is in the toilet. Wise up and put an end to your condoning this behavior by letting it continue. (been married over 30 years and have seen a lot)
So many words of analysis here. May I suggest a course of action based on reality:
1) Dump her / divorce her,
2) Forgive her, but don't return to her.
She's already made her decision. It's time for you to make yours.
Email (will not be published)
Daily news, articles, videos and podcasts sent straight to your inbox.