The wife is still grieving the loss of her first husband. She probably should have waited longer before remarrying, but that doesn't really matter because she is remarried now. The new husband should show understanding and love and allow her to finish the grieving process. As he shows his love for her in this way she will hopefully learn to look forward and make a wonderful new life with him.
hollandparkJuly 17, 2016
First off, what is this BIG OBSESSION of Utah LDS to get remarried after the death of a spouse?? It is like an unwritten rule here. I have lived in 4 other states and there are lots of widows and widowers there who consider themselves still very much married--as Elder Richard G. Scott did--and are waiting with anxiousness to be reunited with their spouse who is on the Other Side. (One little fellow said What is the difference with being on this 'side' when she is 'over there ' and not cheating on her--its just the same as my father did not cheat on my mother when he was in Europe in the War") But thats not the feeling in Utah--where its like some cultural norm that even when you are clearly still grieving and in love with your spouse--as is the lady asking this Question--they still act like the only acceptable thing to do is get married again to someone else. The records I know of are 8 months and 6 months. Seriously?? Boy, not for me!!
Little_NauvooJuly 17, 2016
I have stuggled too with jealousy in my relationship. My wife has been married twice, before we got married. Shortly after our marriage it became clear that nothing could ever be mentioned about my past (friends etc). One day I returned home to find a small pile of what looked like burned paper in our backyard. Upon inspection I could still make out the writing on the blackened paper and it turned out that she had burned all my journals that I had kept since I joined the church at age 21. And it wasn't like there was anything bad in there to fuel jealousy. At the time I didn't say anything - I was still very young and naive. Only as time went by I started realising how important that history, that are now becoming hard to remember, is missed in my life story for my grand children one day. I will have to write an "abridgement" journal to try cover those years and the life lessons I learned as a youth.
Nowadays I keep my journals out of sight to prevent this episode from happening again; which is sad but very possible.
DisagreeJuly 16, 2016
First, I want to point out that we the reader know so very little from this short letter. With what little that was shared with us, I disagree with: "He might be struggling with jealousy, which is ultimately his own responsibility to resolve. You can’t do anything to make him less jealous." That was a reply totally biased towards the "She's always right" attitude. There's plenty she could be doing -- unless there's a lot more that we don't know. At what frequency does the wife have her hard moments? Is she unrealistically holding on to things that should be let go of? We the reader would need to know these things. Jealousy may or may not all be the new husband's fault -- is it the only topic of conversation between them, or does he get to choose a different topic every few evenings? I must point out that in marriage an issue isn't just one spouse's issue - they need to work though this issue t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. It sounds to me that she remarried too soon; before she came to grips with her loss and was ready to move on, and he got blindsided with it all. They need couples counciling to learn how to work though this t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r -- it's not all his fault. He needs to learn patience, and she needs to be reminded that for now her new husband is Number One.
Douglas BagleyJuly 16, 2016
I was a widower for 8 1/2 years. Then I married the most wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful woman in the world. She brought 6 wonderful children to the family. I had three, and then we adopted one. Learning to live looking out the windshield (present and future) and not looking in the rear view mirror is a challenge, but doable. Talk with your present husband in a we sense. Talk about your past experiences in an I sense. That will help. You can't fully love someone until you grieve for them. That is part of love and nothing will erase that. When talking in front of your present husband, include the children. Tell them it is ridiculous to think you love someone more than another. For instance, do you love your father more than your mother? We love our family members and appreciate their kindnesses extended to us. Each relationship in life is unique. We should strive to love people for each attribute they bring into our lives. I love my grandparents, but I don't love one more than another. I love both my sisters, but not one more than another. I love all my deceased best friends of the past, my first wife, her family members, and all they people I ever knew who have died. Our task as living people is to foster love and understanding in the present. If we do our best to love, understand, build up self esteem in those around us, you will find great blessings in your life. Heck, change the station if some sentimental song comes on. You can make it, and make your present marriage special. You can build him up or destroy his feelings. Work on making him feel treasured, his children, and his extended family should be your new best friends. You can do it.
JRJuly 15, 2016
This situation reminded me when I was first married to my second husband (a widower). He left me one Sunday afternoon and was gone for a while. I asked him where he had gone. He said he had gone to visit his first wife's grave. I was very hurt because I felt like he was turning his back on me and seeking solace at her grave. He could see how this hurt me. If he visits her grave now, he doesn't tell me about it. But, we both go and visit her grave every now and then. As the years go by, this gets easier. I noticed you have said you are married for one year. I can remember all the emotions felt when I was just married one year with my husband. It's so much better now that we have been married 10 times that. Just give yourself time. I liked what this article had to say.
Ronnie Bennett-BrayJuly 15, 2016
Unless the new husband matures and becomes more secure, then I don't give this marriage a chance.
I have seen similar marriages with this situation fall apart.
The husband needs counselling and he needs to respect his wife's memories and her love of her first husband. His demands are inhumane and outlandish.
Such a sad tale of a woman that seems to have the right handles on her life, but who also has an unfeeling husband that cares only for his own feelings.
Comments | Return to Story
DavesterJuly 20, 2016
The wife is still grieving the loss of her first husband. She probably should have waited longer before remarrying, but that doesn't really matter because she is remarried now. The new husband should show understanding and love and allow her to finish the grieving process. As he shows his love for her in this way she will hopefully learn to look forward and make a wonderful new life with him.
hollandparkJuly 17, 2016
First off, what is this BIG OBSESSION of Utah LDS to get remarried after the death of a spouse?? It is like an unwritten rule here. I have lived in 4 other states and there are lots of widows and widowers there who consider themselves still very much married--as Elder Richard G. Scott did--and are waiting with anxiousness to be reunited with their spouse who is on the Other Side. (One little fellow said What is the difference with being on this 'side' when she is 'over there ' and not cheating on her--its just the same as my father did not cheat on my mother when he was in Europe in the War") But thats not the feeling in Utah--where its like some cultural norm that even when you are clearly still grieving and in love with your spouse--as is the lady asking this Question--they still act like the only acceptable thing to do is get married again to someone else. The records I know of are 8 months and 6 months. Seriously?? Boy, not for me!!
Little_NauvooJuly 17, 2016
I have stuggled too with jealousy in my relationship. My wife has been married twice, before we got married. Shortly after our marriage it became clear that nothing could ever be mentioned about my past (friends etc). One day I returned home to find a small pile of what looked like burned paper in our backyard. Upon inspection I could still make out the writing on the blackened paper and it turned out that she had burned all my journals that I had kept since I joined the church at age 21. And it wasn't like there was anything bad in there to fuel jealousy. At the time I didn't say anything - I was still very young and naive. Only as time went by I started realising how important that history, that are now becoming hard to remember, is missed in my life story for my grand children one day. I will have to write an "abridgement" journal to try cover those years and the life lessons I learned as a youth. Nowadays I keep my journals out of sight to prevent this episode from happening again; which is sad but very possible.
DisagreeJuly 16, 2016
First, I want to point out that we the reader know so very little from this short letter. With what little that was shared with us, I disagree with: "He might be struggling with jealousy, which is ultimately his own responsibility to resolve. You can’t do anything to make him less jealous." That was a reply totally biased towards the "She's always right" attitude. There's plenty she could be doing -- unless there's a lot more that we don't know. At what frequency does the wife have her hard moments? Is she unrealistically holding on to things that should be let go of? We the reader would need to know these things. Jealousy may or may not all be the new husband's fault -- is it the only topic of conversation between them, or does he get to choose a different topic every few evenings? I must point out that in marriage an issue isn't just one spouse's issue - they need to work though this issue t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r. It sounds to me that she remarried too soon; before she came to grips with her loss and was ready to move on, and he got blindsided with it all. They need couples counciling to learn how to work though this t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r -- it's not all his fault. He needs to learn patience, and she needs to be reminded that for now her new husband is Number One.
Douglas BagleyJuly 16, 2016
I was a widower for 8 1/2 years. Then I married the most wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful woman in the world. She brought 6 wonderful children to the family. I had three, and then we adopted one. Learning to live looking out the windshield (present and future) and not looking in the rear view mirror is a challenge, but doable. Talk with your present husband in a we sense. Talk about your past experiences in an I sense. That will help. You can't fully love someone until you grieve for them. That is part of love and nothing will erase that. When talking in front of your present husband, include the children. Tell them it is ridiculous to think you love someone more than another. For instance, do you love your father more than your mother? We love our family members and appreciate their kindnesses extended to us. Each relationship in life is unique. We should strive to love people for each attribute they bring into our lives. I love my grandparents, but I don't love one more than another. I love both my sisters, but not one more than another. I love all my deceased best friends of the past, my first wife, her family members, and all they people I ever knew who have died. Our task as living people is to foster love and understanding in the present. If we do our best to love, understand, build up self esteem in those around us, you will find great blessings in your life. Heck, change the station if some sentimental song comes on. You can make it, and make your present marriage special. You can build him up or destroy his feelings. Work on making him feel treasured, his children, and his extended family should be your new best friends. You can do it.
JRJuly 15, 2016
This situation reminded me when I was first married to my second husband (a widower). He left me one Sunday afternoon and was gone for a while. I asked him where he had gone. He said he had gone to visit his first wife's grave. I was very hurt because I felt like he was turning his back on me and seeking solace at her grave. He could see how this hurt me. If he visits her grave now, he doesn't tell me about it. But, we both go and visit her grave every now and then. As the years go by, this gets easier. I noticed you have said you are married for one year. I can remember all the emotions felt when I was just married one year with my husband. It's so much better now that we have been married 10 times that. Just give yourself time. I liked what this article had to say.
Ronnie Bennett-BrayJuly 15, 2016
Unless the new husband matures and becomes more secure, then I don't give this marriage a chance. I have seen similar marriages with this situation fall apart. The husband needs counselling and he needs to respect his wife's memories and her love of her first husband. His demands are inhumane and outlandish. Such a sad tale of a woman that seems to have the right handles on her life, but who also has an unfeeling husband that cares only for his own feelings.
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