My wise Bishop told me to wait at least a year to get involved with someone enough to marry, dating seriously before that puts you in the position of marrying into the same type of person your first spouse was, I found that to be true. I started dating and realized my Bishop was right and had to end a dating relationship as well.
I great article that helped me In the 1982 Ensign was. Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn’t End in Marriage,
By M. Gawain Wells
It gave steps to make sure the things that went wrong in a relationship are not repeated in the next one. I looked at seven years of marriage as the dating part and took some great advice. I have now been married 33 years because I was willing to evaluate without just jumping right back into the fray.
Jesse BrownJanuary 21, 2016
Would the same basic advice apply to someone whose spouse recently passed away?
Brenda WahrerJanuary 18, 2016
I am surprised that the welfare of the child is never considered. All that "finding yourself" and evaluating what "feels right" can take away from valuable time with children. Remember, they are suffering too and I think their welfare to be considered over your own. Commonly in divorce situations, both parents have to work. Where is the time for dating when you work full time and trying to raise a family?
ChilangaJanuary 15, 2016
I think the answer that the doctor gives is right on. I second that answer and would BEG this person to stay single and date around for at least one year before settling into a committed one-on-one relationship. I was single until my late 30's and I met several nice people in the family and single-adult wards I attended. Without exception, the men and women in those wards who went through a divorce found themselves falling in love with someone else immediately after their divorce, or even while the divorce was still "in-process." The pain of their marriage and divorce caused them to be so hungry for a happy, validating relationship that they just jumped right in to the first person who they connected with. Those who chose to re-marry right after their divorce, and not take the time to be alone for a while, get therapy to help them not repeat old patterns in their new life, and date around, have all--every single one--had a very difficult second marriage. Those who divorced, took time to heal, dated various people so they could really get some perspective, have had much more successful second marriages. Because there are children involved, this magnifies every aspect of this. It's so important for your children to see you moving on, getting healthy and not re-marrying too quickly. The divorce affects your children at least as much, if not more, than it affects you. Your children will also need a safe place to talk (a good therapist) where they can work out the disorienting feelings of having their parents divorce. Even tiny children need this. I have seen this with my own eyes...please, please don't get emotionally involved with anyone until you've been legally single for at least a year.
Janet S.January 15, 2016
Thank you , Geoff, for these words of wisdom. I did the very thing you cautioned about - fell in love with an old friend while still going through a divorce, because he was so understanding and kind and seemed to meet so many of my needs at the time. After a long and tumultuous relationship (in which we did come to love each other) we finally broke up after seeing how wrong we were for each other. It was still another heartbreak.
In looking back, I could see what a serious mistake it was and would have been had we married. In actuality, He was a good friend, nothing more, and certainly not marriage material. He had been married and divorced three times already, and there was good reason for it. When I could see better in looking back, I could see clearly his lack of being what I really wanted in a husband, and his many faults in being able to maintain a happy, loving and spiritual relationship, or to be the father my children needed. To anyone going through a divorce, I would say to wait a year or more before dating again until you are completely over the divorce, have moved on with your own life until you can see clearly exactly what you need and want realistically as a future spouse and wonderful step-parent to your children. It does take time, even if the new relationship "feels right" as you have said, Geoff. In going from a marriage where there was a lot of unhappiness, it is easy to fall for the excitement of a new person, but don't allow yourself to get involved too soon. I would advise anyone to give yourself at least a year or two to come back to yourself, who you really are - or used to be - what you really want and will need for yourself and for your children for the eternal future, and to be sure you can think through the qualities of a new person clearly and unemotionally before you can even consider going out on dates again. There is plenty of time to get it right before dating any person. Do it for the right reasons, not just the emotional ones. I agree with seeing a counselor, but most of all, talking with your bishop and counseling with him. be completely open with him, and talk about the qualities you need to look for in a new mate, and he can guide you to see realistically what qualities you need to be sure any new person has before accepting dates with them. And then to evaluate the person's qualities before getting involved emotionally or physically (kissing). Be very careful that everything is right before you move to the next step. Think clearly this time.
Comments | Return to Story
Lesson LearnedJanuary 22, 2016
My wise Bishop told me to wait at least a year to get involved with someone enough to marry, dating seriously before that puts you in the position of marrying into the same type of person your first spouse was, I found that to be true. I started dating and realized my Bishop was right and had to end a dating relationship as well. I great article that helped me In the 1982 Ensign was. Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn’t End in Marriage, By M. Gawain Wells It gave steps to make sure the things that went wrong in a relationship are not repeated in the next one. I looked at seven years of marriage as the dating part and took some great advice. I have now been married 33 years because I was willing to evaluate without just jumping right back into the fray.
Jesse BrownJanuary 21, 2016
Would the same basic advice apply to someone whose spouse recently passed away?
Brenda WahrerJanuary 18, 2016
I am surprised that the welfare of the child is never considered. All that "finding yourself" and evaluating what "feels right" can take away from valuable time with children. Remember, they are suffering too and I think their welfare to be considered over your own. Commonly in divorce situations, both parents have to work. Where is the time for dating when you work full time and trying to raise a family?
ChilangaJanuary 15, 2016
I think the answer that the doctor gives is right on. I second that answer and would BEG this person to stay single and date around for at least one year before settling into a committed one-on-one relationship. I was single until my late 30's and I met several nice people in the family and single-adult wards I attended. Without exception, the men and women in those wards who went through a divorce found themselves falling in love with someone else immediately after their divorce, or even while the divorce was still "in-process." The pain of their marriage and divorce caused them to be so hungry for a happy, validating relationship that they just jumped right in to the first person who they connected with. Those who chose to re-marry right after their divorce, and not take the time to be alone for a while, get therapy to help them not repeat old patterns in their new life, and date around, have all--every single one--had a very difficult second marriage. Those who divorced, took time to heal, dated various people so they could really get some perspective, have had much more successful second marriages. Because there are children involved, this magnifies every aspect of this. It's so important for your children to see you moving on, getting healthy and not re-marrying too quickly. The divorce affects your children at least as much, if not more, than it affects you. Your children will also need a safe place to talk (a good therapist) where they can work out the disorienting feelings of having their parents divorce. Even tiny children need this. I have seen this with my own eyes...please, please don't get emotionally involved with anyone until you've been legally single for at least a year.
Janet S.January 15, 2016
Thank you , Geoff, for these words of wisdom. I did the very thing you cautioned about - fell in love with an old friend while still going through a divorce, because he was so understanding and kind and seemed to meet so many of my needs at the time. After a long and tumultuous relationship (in which we did come to love each other) we finally broke up after seeing how wrong we were for each other. It was still another heartbreak. In looking back, I could see what a serious mistake it was and would have been had we married. In actuality, He was a good friend, nothing more, and certainly not marriage material. He had been married and divorced three times already, and there was good reason for it. When I could see better in looking back, I could see clearly his lack of being what I really wanted in a husband, and his many faults in being able to maintain a happy, loving and spiritual relationship, or to be the father my children needed. To anyone going through a divorce, I would say to wait a year or more before dating again until you are completely over the divorce, have moved on with your own life until you can see clearly exactly what you need and want realistically as a future spouse and wonderful step-parent to your children. It does take time, even if the new relationship "feels right" as you have said, Geoff. In going from a marriage where there was a lot of unhappiness, it is easy to fall for the excitement of a new person, but don't allow yourself to get involved too soon. I would advise anyone to give yourself at least a year or two to come back to yourself, who you really are - or used to be - what you really want and will need for yourself and for your children for the eternal future, and to be sure you can think through the qualities of a new person clearly and unemotionally before you can even consider going out on dates again. There is plenty of time to get it right before dating any person. Do it for the right reasons, not just the emotional ones. I agree with seeing a counselor, but most of all, talking with your bishop and counseling with him. be completely open with him, and talk about the qualities you need to look for in a new mate, and he can guide you to see realistically what qualities you need to be sure any new person has before accepting dates with them. And then to evaluate the person's qualities before getting involved emotionally or physically (kissing). Be very careful that everything is right before you move to the next step. Think clearly this time.
ADD A COMMENT