If your spouse really loves you She would not put you in a spot to have to choose.
GingerAugust 19, 2015
When you marry you become a family. Both sets of parents are a part of that union. The wife needs to be more open to her husbands family. The wife is extremely jealous of the relationship her husband has with his family. My heart goes out to the whole family all part and in-laws.
EliAugust 18, 2015
Under ideal conditions the advice seems sound. I have found that sometimes reality is much more complicated - one partner may have a personality disorder or mental illness that interferes with the kind of loyalty described in the article. If abuse is occurring, telling the victim to keep it private not only hurts the victim, but teaches false doctrine to the offending spouse.
ajAugust 15, 2015
A couple thoughts - It could be that the wife is a more private person and isn't comfortable with how much or what the husband shares (aside from the early mistake of confiding in them when he shouldn't have). Also, maybe the wife feels that if the husband is telling his family everything, they will have no reason to ask/talk to her about anything and so she sees the husband as interfering with her developing relationships with his family. This issue can subside over time but not until boundaries are established, understood and respected as well as trust built.
KimAugust 14, 2015
In response to the other comment, the wife should have access to the husband's email and text messages and vice versa. The father-in-law told him she had an unusual personality? Didn't the husband take the time to know his wife's personality? When he was told he could only call home twice a year, I would think he'd discuss with his wife that wouldn't be acceptable to him. I realize there are people out there who are controlling and even abusive, but I don't know if I really heard any of that in your story. I like this article. You should have healthy boundaries with your extended family and you should try to put your relationship with your spouse as most important except for your relationship with God.
SssAugust 14, 2015
In response to Myrna, he didn't judge this young man, but gave him questions for self reflection so that he better judge himself. Having been in a somewhat similar situation to the wife, I felt like this was fantastic advice. We got married in our 30s and 3 of his teenage siblings would come live with us for the summer in our 2 bedroom apartment. I found myself resentful of the time and attention he was giving them and feeling guilty about it because I realized he was the closest thing they had to a father figure. By talking about it and setting boundaries, I was able to become more accepting of the kids and he was still able to parent effectively.
MyrnaAugust 13, 2015
Before we decide this young man needs a 'closer' relationship with his spouse, consider this please: A young man we know married a young woman whose father told him before marriage that she had an "unusual personality". After the marriage the father in law explained to him that he now could only call his mom on mother's day and Christmas. The new wife told him he could not have any relationship with his parents because he was to 'cleave unto her' and not them. Narcissism at it's worst. It's still causing great pain in a devoutly Christian family. The close relationship they had with their son, is gone. The daughter in law is suspicious and jealous of her husband's family. She reads his mail, even his texts. This is a nightmare, we wish no one ever has to endure. Answers for this are never simple.
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Terry McCullyMay 10, 2019
If your spouse really loves you She would not put you in a spot to have to choose.
GingerAugust 19, 2015
When you marry you become a family. Both sets of parents are a part of that union. The wife needs to be more open to her husbands family. The wife is extremely jealous of the relationship her husband has with his family. My heart goes out to the whole family all part and in-laws.
EliAugust 18, 2015
Under ideal conditions the advice seems sound. I have found that sometimes reality is much more complicated - one partner may have a personality disorder or mental illness that interferes with the kind of loyalty described in the article. If abuse is occurring, telling the victim to keep it private not only hurts the victim, but teaches false doctrine to the offending spouse.
ajAugust 15, 2015
A couple thoughts - It could be that the wife is a more private person and isn't comfortable with how much or what the husband shares (aside from the early mistake of confiding in them when he shouldn't have). Also, maybe the wife feels that if the husband is telling his family everything, they will have no reason to ask/talk to her about anything and so she sees the husband as interfering with her developing relationships with his family. This issue can subside over time but not until boundaries are established, understood and respected as well as trust built.
KimAugust 14, 2015
In response to the other comment, the wife should have access to the husband's email and text messages and vice versa. The father-in-law told him she had an unusual personality? Didn't the husband take the time to know his wife's personality? When he was told he could only call home twice a year, I would think he'd discuss with his wife that wouldn't be acceptable to him. I realize there are people out there who are controlling and even abusive, but I don't know if I really heard any of that in your story. I like this article. You should have healthy boundaries with your extended family and you should try to put your relationship with your spouse as most important except for your relationship with God.
SssAugust 14, 2015
In response to Myrna, he didn't judge this young man, but gave him questions for self reflection so that he better judge himself. Having been in a somewhat similar situation to the wife, I felt like this was fantastic advice. We got married in our 30s and 3 of his teenage siblings would come live with us for the summer in our 2 bedroom apartment. I found myself resentful of the time and attention he was giving them and feeling guilty about it because I realized he was the closest thing they had to a father figure. By talking about it and setting boundaries, I was able to become more accepting of the kids and he was still able to parent effectively.
MyrnaAugust 13, 2015
Before we decide this young man needs a 'closer' relationship with his spouse, consider this please: A young man we know married a young woman whose father told him before marriage that she had an "unusual personality". After the marriage the father in law explained to him that he now could only call his mom on mother's day and Christmas. The new wife told him he could not have any relationship with his parents because he was to 'cleave unto her' and not them. Narcissism at it's worst. It's still causing great pain in a devoutly Christian family. The close relationship they had with their son, is gone. The daughter in law is suspicious and jealous of her husband's family. She reads his mail, even his texts. This is a nightmare, we wish no one ever has to endure. Answers for this are never simple.
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