While I agree that we must learn to forgive, this does not mean that we must accept abuse from others in any form. Sometimes it does become necessary to remove ourselves from someone else's life because of the harm they continue to inflict.
Elizabeth at MindBodyStressMgmt.comAugust 6, 2015
This is for Susan, above, who is unable to forgive her husband for molesting their daughters:
When I work with with clients who've suffered atrocities and whose sense or justice is understandably piqued at just 'letting the offender off the hook,' I put it this way: Forgiveness is allowing others the free agency to be less than perfect, and letting the Lord be the judge.
From what I can tell, we are all born with certain standards built into us before birth -- part of our first estate, I suppose -- and one such standard is to forgive when we take offense. When we don't forgive, WE suffer stress from living beneath that standard. Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone the offense, or that justice won't be served (it will be, but by the Lord).
Kathryn JonesAugust 5, 2015
This is a very good article.
However, I would dispute the fact that offenders do not mean to offend. This is often the case, but there is a class of people out there, over whom Satan has such a strong hold that they delight in sin. Such people torture animals, abuse children and are prepared to cheat, seduce, rape and rob, if it will further their own ends. Such people sin quite deliberately. They know that what they are doing is wrong and that it will cause harm to others, but they go ahead and do it anyway.
I agree with everything else that you say.
OneMoreThoughtAugust 5, 2015
A thoughtful and much appreciated article. Two additional thoughts. First, forgiving does not mean forgetting. Just as I would not hand my credit card to one who had defrauded me (even though I'd truly forgiven him), in like manner we do not continue to put ourselves in harm's way by remaining vulnerable to those who consistently abuse us. When abuse comes from family, we forgive, but we may also need to put varying levels of distance (in time, sharing, divulging, etc.) between ourselves and those who consistently continue to abuse us. It is essential that we do so for our well-being, and even theirs.
Second, learning forgive is crucial to our relationship with the Savior. It has helped me to remember that Christ atoned for (i.e., literally *paid* for, by suffering) *every* sin, not just those for which offenders seek forgiveness. Consequently, He "owns" those sins. Thus, if I fail to forgive, I am, in effect, denying Christ that which he now owns - all offenses and sins! I would never want to do that to my Savior. It adds new insight to D&C 64:9: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin." The "greater sin" is ours, in that failing to forgive (grudge carrying, getting even, etc.) becomes *our* sin carried now out *against the Savior* - who completely does not deserve it! We should remember, the FULL price was already paid, we need not exact anything further. Christ now owns those sins, and His pain allows us to free ourselves from our pain, if we'll only accept it. What a "Balm [there is] in Gilead" (the ancient soothing and healing oil, likened in the scriptures to the healing influence of the atonement) - in all our lives.
JenAugust 5, 2015
I just want to add that sometimes a person's actions violate the laws of man. In that case, there may be a temporal punishment for violating the law.
LynnAugust 4, 2015
I thought I was the only one in the world struggling with this. I haven't spoke to my mom for 2 years because of the negativity and verbal abuse she has dished out for the last 35 years. I couldn't take it any longer. I was even willing to divorce my husband just to be able to get away. Fortunately that didn't happen. Looking back, I should have distanced myself from her years ago. The problem I'm facing now is guilt. I didn't ask for her to treat me like she has but it makes me feel unqualified to hold a temple recommend. I can't and will not go back to the life she had so much negative influence on. I'm finally happy. I don't feel like I am holding anger and need to forgive her, I just don't want to be around her at all. I could sure use some advice.
Joseph SmithAugust 4, 2015
Excellent points! I specially love changing forgiveness to absolving and relinquishing!
JaneAugust 4, 2015
I cut someone off completely (no contact whatsoever) to protect myself and my family. It has nothing to do with punishing them.
KarenAugust 4, 2015
Thanks for the perspective! It sounds like good advice for the every-day, run-of-the mill offenses. I would love to hear thoughts on how to forgive those who have deliberately caused us pain.
I sometimes struggle with forgiving those who have deliberately inflicted pain on me. I have a few family members who believe that being abusive to others gives them power. They repeatedly and very deliberately inflict as much pain as they can. My response is that I do not want these people in my life. I prefer not to interact with them at all, if possible --not to "punish" them, but to protect myself from their abuse.
I feel sorry for them because they are unable to live in a healthier way, and I pray that they will wake up and choose a better way of interacting with others. I wish them well, but I simply don't want anything to do with them, ever again. If they can become better people who do not deliberately abuse others, that would be great, but given that their abusiveness has continued for many years, I prefer to not interact. (One of them actually told me he was doing me "a favor" by being abusive, because I needed to be beaten into submission.)
For example, when my brother's wife seduced and ran off with my first (abusive) husband, it was difficult to forgive them. Especially when they repeatedly hurled verbal abuse at me, my brother, our parents, and tried to destroy our livelihoods.
If you have insight into how we can heal from deliberately inflicted wounds, and forgive our abusers, I'd love to hear it.
TracyAugust 4, 2015
I so agree with this article! How much better to choose not to be offended, to not pick up that burden. If we really believe in our Savior and accept all he offers then it is so much easier to just accept hurts and trials as part of life's experience and strive to overcome and endure. Accept the gift and blessing offered by Jesus Christ and don't carry around an unnecessary burden.
Brent GarnerAugust 4, 2015
An interesting column. Not to nit pick but your scriptural reference in Luke 23:34 needs updated. I am presuming that you are a member of the LDS Church. If true, you need to go back to your New Testament and check footnote "C" on verse 34. If you do, you will find a reference to the JST (Joseph Smith Translation). Joseph added some words which completely changes the focus and meaning of this passage. According to the JST, the Savior's request of His Father to "forgive them, for they know not what they do" was aimed solely at the Roman soldiers engaged in the physical act of crucifying Him. It is not a general blanket request that the Jews who were clamoring for His death should be forgiven.
Robert CowartAugust 4, 2015
Thanks Sister Smith,I needed that. I am forwarding it to some of my kids.
SusanAugust 4, 2015
I really appreciated this article. Relinquish the sinner makes more sense to me than forgive. I have been struggling with this for 30 years. My beloved temple married husband molested our 11yr old daughter for 3yrs. I did not know until we were divorcing due to his adultery with another woman. He subsequently kidnapped our two youngest kids and molested a second daughter. In my heart I forgave him for the terrible things he did to ME but I can't forgive what he did to my daughters. Relinquishing the pain he has caused sits better with me. I can't thank you enough for you wise words. And I know God will deal with it all.
LinusAugust 4, 2015
Christ didn't ask His Father to forgive the thieves that flanked him. He asked the Father to forgive the Roman guard that crucified Him.
MayAugust 4, 2015
Beautifully spoken and absolutely true. Thank you!
Ana MerkurieffAugust 4, 2015
We are commanded to forgive all trespasses because the Lord has paid for all our sins and all sins committed against us. He is the only one that can decide who is he going to forgive. It took me a long time to understand this and truly forgive what I believe was the unforgivable cruel acts of a person in my life. I am grateful for the counsel of the Holy Ghost who prompted me to ask Heavenly Father to please remove the hatred from my heart and to leave the pain because with the pain and sorrow and with his infinite help I would be able to eventually be humble and meek enough to forgive. After I uttered this desperate prayer the Lord took away the hatred; I even felt it physically. My heart was just filled with love, peace and gratitude and I was able to be the giving, loving mother my children needed me to be. I no longer focus on the hate but I focus on my children and on the things I needed to do to eventually forgive this person. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I am thankful that I was able to turn the other cheek in time and I am grateful that the Lord gave the time to do it.
Michael ChopinAugust 4, 2015
You say "there was nothing to forgive". The whole second verse of "If You Could Hie to Kolob" explains that there is no such thing as nothing. Zero is an Arabic invention: it is a place-holder and it alone hasn't any value. Therefore, nothing really only exists when you give it a name. Telling your daughter there is nothing to forgive instills the tiniest little seed in her that nothing does exist and that actions do not have consequences. I understand that you have no anger toward her for the incident, but maybe the reason she keeps asking for forgiveness is because she is not satisfied with the response that there is nothing to forgive in the above context. She is rejecting the seed. I think all she really wants to hear, in addition to your not being angry with her, is that actions have consequences (many not immediately foreseeable) but you choose to forgive her wholly, totally, and absolutely for what is and what will be. Her stubbornness to accept your plea is admirable, and she must really and truly love you to unselfishly reject the seed that she herself may not entirely understand but which the spirit urges her to reject...not for her sake, but for yours.
I agree that we should choose not to be offended so as not to let others have control over us, but neither can we ignore everything that is by simply calling it nothing. Everything that is should be acknowledged and dealt with appropriately. Otherwise, we will become blinded to certain parts of creation and that by our own choice. Just as I say these words in a very caring and loving manner, so she too wishes to displace the "nothing seed" from her consciousness by having you do the same and by acknowledging the fullness of her action.
Comments | Return to Story
MaryannJanuary 17, 2019
While I agree that we must learn to forgive, this does not mean that we must accept abuse from others in any form. Sometimes it does become necessary to remove ourselves from someone else's life because of the harm they continue to inflict.
Elizabeth at MindBodyStressMgmt.comAugust 6, 2015
This is for Susan, above, who is unable to forgive her husband for molesting their daughters: When I work with with clients who've suffered atrocities and whose sense or justice is understandably piqued at just 'letting the offender off the hook,' I put it this way: Forgiveness is allowing others the free agency to be less than perfect, and letting the Lord be the judge. From what I can tell, we are all born with certain standards built into us before birth -- part of our first estate, I suppose -- and one such standard is to forgive when we take offense. When we don't forgive, WE suffer stress from living beneath that standard. Forgiveness doesn't mean we condone the offense, or that justice won't be served (it will be, but by the Lord).
Kathryn JonesAugust 5, 2015
This is a very good article. However, I would dispute the fact that offenders do not mean to offend. This is often the case, but there is a class of people out there, over whom Satan has such a strong hold that they delight in sin. Such people torture animals, abuse children and are prepared to cheat, seduce, rape and rob, if it will further their own ends. Such people sin quite deliberately. They know that what they are doing is wrong and that it will cause harm to others, but they go ahead and do it anyway. I agree with everything else that you say.
OneMoreThoughtAugust 5, 2015
A thoughtful and much appreciated article. Two additional thoughts. First, forgiving does not mean forgetting. Just as I would not hand my credit card to one who had defrauded me (even though I'd truly forgiven him), in like manner we do not continue to put ourselves in harm's way by remaining vulnerable to those who consistently abuse us. When abuse comes from family, we forgive, but we may also need to put varying levels of distance (in time, sharing, divulging, etc.) between ourselves and those who consistently continue to abuse us. It is essential that we do so for our well-being, and even theirs. Second, learning forgive is crucial to our relationship with the Savior. It has helped me to remember that Christ atoned for (i.e., literally *paid* for, by suffering) *every* sin, not just those for which offenders seek forgiveness. Consequently, He "owns" those sins. Thus, if I fail to forgive, I am, in effect, denying Christ that which he now owns - all offenses and sins! I would never want to do that to my Savior. It adds new insight to D&C 64:9: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin." The "greater sin" is ours, in that failing to forgive (grudge carrying, getting even, etc.) becomes *our* sin carried now out *against the Savior* - who completely does not deserve it! We should remember, the FULL price was already paid, we need not exact anything further. Christ now owns those sins, and His pain allows us to free ourselves from our pain, if we'll only accept it. What a "Balm [there is] in Gilead" (the ancient soothing and healing oil, likened in the scriptures to the healing influence of the atonement) - in all our lives.
JenAugust 5, 2015
I just want to add that sometimes a person's actions violate the laws of man. In that case, there may be a temporal punishment for violating the law.
LynnAugust 4, 2015
I thought I was the only one in the world struggling with this. I haven't spoke to my mom for 2 years because of the negativity and verbal abuse she has dished out for the last 35 years. I couldn't take it any longer. I was even willing to divorce my husband just to be able to get away. Fortunately that didn't happen. Looking back, I should have distanced myself from her years ago. The problem I'm facing now is guilt. I didn't ask for her to treat me like she has but it makes me feel unqualified to hold a temple recommend. I can't and will not go back to the life she had so much negative influence on. I'm finally happy. I don't feel like I am holding anger and need to forgive her, I just don't want to be around her at all. I could sure use some advice.
Joseph SmithAugust 4, 2015
Excellent points! I specially love changing forgiveness to absolving and relinquishing!
JaneAugust 4, 2015
I cut someone off completely (no contact whatsoever) to protect myself and my family. It has nothing to do with punishing them.
KarenAugust 4, 2015
Thanks for the perspective! It sounds like good advice for the every-day, run-of-the mill offenses. I would love to hear thoughts on how to forgive those who have deliberately caused us pain. I sometimes struggle with forgiving those who have deliberately inflicted pain on me. I have a few family members who believe that being abusive to others gives them power. They repeatedly and very deliberately inflict as much pain as they can. My response is that I do not want these people in my life. I prefer not to interact with them at all, if possible --not to "punish" them, but to protect myself from their abuse. I feel sorry for them because they are unable to live in a healthier way, and I pray that they will wake up and choose a better way of interacting with others. I wish them well, but I simply don't want anything to do with them, ever again. If they can become better people who do not deliberately abuse others, that would be great, but given that their abusiveness has continued for many years, I prefer to not interact. (One of them actually told me he was doing me "a favor" by being abusive, because I needed to be beaten into submission.) For example, when my brother's wife seduced and ran off with my first (abusive) husband, it was difficult to forgive them. Especially when they repeatedly hurled verbal abuse at me, my brother, our parents, and tried to destroy our livelihoods. If you have insight into how we can heal from deliberately inflicted wounds, and forgive our abusers, I'd love to hear it.
TracyAugust 4, 2015
I so agree with this article! How much better to choose not to be offended, to not pick up that burden. If we really believe in our Savior and accept all he offers then it is so much easier to just accept hurts and trials as part of life's experience and strive to overcome and endure. Accept the gift and blessing offered by Jesus Christ and don't carry around an unnecessary burden.
Brent GarnerAugust 4, 2015
An interesting column. Not to nit pick but your scriptural reference in Luke 23:34 needs updated. I am presuming that you are a member of the LDS Church. If true, you need to go back to your New Testament and check footnote "C" on verse 34. If you do, you will find a reference to the JST (Joseph Smith Translation). Joseph added some words which completely changes the focus and meaning of this passage. According to the JST, the Savior's request of His Father to "forgive them, for they know not what they do" was aimed solely at the Roman soldiers engaged in the physical act of crucifying Him. It is not a general blanket request that the Jews who were clamoring for His death should be forgiven.
Robert CowartAugust 4, 2015
Thanks Sister Smith,I needed that. I am forwarding it to some of my kids.
SusanAugust 4, 2015
I really appreciated this article. Relinquish the sinner makes more sense to me than forgive. I have been struggling with this for 30 years. My beloved temple married husband molested our 11yr old daughter for 3yrs. I did not know until we were divorcing due to his adultery with another woman. He subsequently kidnapped our two youngest kids and molested a second daughter. In my heart I forgave him for the terrible things he did to ME but I can't forgive what he did to my daughters. Relinquishing the pain he has caused sits better with me. I can't thank you enough for you wise words. And I know God will deal with it all.
LinusAugust 4, 2015
Christ didn't ask His Father to forgive the thieves that flanked him. He asked the Father to forgive the Roman guard that crucified Him.
MayAugust 4, 2015
Beautifully spoken and absolutely true. Thank you!
Ana MerkurieffAugust 4, 2015
We are commanded to forgive all trespasses because the Lord has paid for all our sins and all sins committed against us. He is the only one that can decide who is he going to forgive. It took me a long time to understand this and truly forgive what I believe was the unforgivable cruel acts of a person in my life. I am grateful for the counsel of the Holy Ghost who prompted me to ask Heavenly Father to please remove the hatred from my heart and to leave the pain because with the pain and sorrow and with his infinite help I would be able to eventually be humble and meek enough to forgive. After I uttered this desperate prayer the Lord took away the hatred; I even felt it physically. My heart was just filled with love, peace and gratitude and I was able to be the giving, loving mother my children needed me to be. I no longer focus on the hate but I focus on my children and on the things I needed to do to eventually forgive this person. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I am thankful that I was able to turn the other cheek in time and I am grateful that the Lord gave the time to do it.
Michael ChopinAugust 4, 2015
You say "there was nothing to forgive". The whole second verse of "If You Could Hie to Kolob" explains that there is no such thing as nothing. Zero is an Arabic invention: it is a place-holder and it alone hasn't any value. Therefore, nothing really only exists when you give it a name. Telling your daughter there is nothing to forgive instills the tiniest little seed in her that nothing does exist and that actions do not have consequences. I understand that you have no anger toward her for the incident, but maybe the reason she keeps asking for forgiveness is because she is not satisfied with the response that there is nothing to forgive in the above context. She is rejecting the seed. I think all she really wants to hear, in addition to your not being angry with her, is that actions have consequences (many not immediately foreseeable) but you choose to forgive her wholly, totally, and absolutely for what is and what will be. Her stubbornness to accept your plea is admirable, and she must really and truly love you to unselfishly reject the seed that she herself may not entirely understand but which the spirit urges her to reject...not for her sake, but for yours. I agree that we should choose not to be offended so as not to let others have control over us, but neither can we ignore everything that is by simply calling it nothing. Everything that is should be acknowledged and dealt with appropriately. Otherwise, we will become blinded to certain parts of creation and that by our own choice. Just as I say these words in a very caring and loving manner, so she too wishes to displace the "nothing seed" from her consciousness by having you do the same and by acknowledging the fullness of her action.
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