During my life I have met many who were raised by single moms. Three of my favorites are my children's spouses. i have great admiration for their mothers. Life may not have been ideal in their circumstances, but I see the choice individuals they raised as my grandchildren's parents. Many of their trials made them the strong, determined, and loving people they are today. As this single mom desires deserved appreciation, just a little mind you, we should all never agree with anyone who complains about their "single" mother's shortcomings. I listen, understand, but encourage them to find the good. I validate this sister's feelings. Pray and hope for good things for your children, and then go about doing good things for yourself and others.
Ogden MomAugust 2, 2015
Without knowing more, this could be a situation of Divorce Poison or Parental Alienation Syndrome. It occurs as much for women as it does for men. Despite those who say it isn't a real syndrome, it truly is. Read the book Divorce Poison. It is a must for anyone starting, in the middle of or post divorce for themselves or anyone in their family.
I feel for this woman. But moving on, while still letting her children know she loves them while not allowing any verbal or physical abuse of any kind is key. Getting involved in something such as the arts, music, or a mission if her situation and health permits is good advise. If she is able, she can also take her grandchildren to do fun, but inexpensive activities. And don't, by all means, don't, lend the grown children money or give them expensive gifts for birthdays or Christmas. It really just makes things worse. A nice card suffices. They need to know that rejection of their mother means not having the benefit of her money. I cannot stress this enough. I am not a psychologist, but this is advise I have received by professionals and church leaders alike.
ajAugust 1, 2015
First, hugs to you! Totally agree with the suggestions to serve (home or away) and look into the EmotionCode. Please also consider the following: 1) read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you haven't already (check your library) and apply it. 2) Keep in mind that when someone becomes addicted, their emotional maturity is stunted so even if they're in their forties, they're not emotionally so meet them where they are and set expectations accordingly. 3) Thoughts and words are powerful and what you focus on gets bigger so focus on the positive!
Michael ChopinJuly 31, 2015
Overall solution: Let them have their agency. I think the primary reason you feel so bad about this is because of the feedback that comes from a mother who naturally worries about their choices. It is admirable that you care, but ultimately they are responsible for their own choices...not you. Let them bear the full burden of their own choices; its not your place to do so anymore...you have fulfilled your obligations to them. The reason they treat you like this is simple: they feel guilty every time they have contact with you because they know deep down that they have treated you unfairly. The anger they have toward you in these situations is a by-product of that. It shows that they refuse to acknowledge your kindness and their obligation to you. I say forgive them their debts and let them have the unattached fullness of their agency. Like others have said here, go away on a mission if you can...if you cannot, stay home and still go on a mission. Your mission is to redefine yourself to the extent that you will come to know exactly who you are without the entanglements of others who choose to be obsessive and controlling. How much more of the creation will be available to your witness when you become less blinded by the cruelty of others! You must let them bear the full weight of their choices just as you have to own yours. Your burdens will be lighter since then you will only have the weight of your own choices.
JLandonJuly 31, 2015
Read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It will change your life. As well as the emotion code that was mentioned.
StephenJuly 31, 2015
After going through a divorce 15 years ago, I can really relate with the frustrations that have been so well defined in this article. I was fortunate enough to re-marry and make my own happiness. Re-marrying at an older age is more difficult, so trust in the Lord to assist in the dating process. Get your health in order through exercise and eating the right foods. Lose weight if necessary and then get on a lot of dating websites. Remember that your children have their own lives and so do you.
cubbyJuly 31, 2015
I agree with Idah mom. go on a mission. You will be so glad you did. I know, I am on a service opportunity with the church and it has made life so exciting. I wake up each morning with a prayer to Father thanking him for the opportunity to serve.
As older people the church has so many service opportunities and missions. So,e ar only a day or two a week, and at your own home. Others are around the world making s difference in a place y never dreamed of.
When you are done you will have memories to last the entir rest of your lifetime.
Your grandchildren will see yr example and it will change their lives.
More important, there are blessings that come from service that only those who serve discover. They ar there and they are incredible.
Go, sister, go. You are needed. The wrinkled and a bit frail have a lot to offer the world. Go! You will not regret it.
NancyJuly 31, 2015
I too would recommend that she consider going on a mission. We just returned from a 23 month Spanish speaking mission. We were promised when we were set apart for our mission that our children would be blessed because of our service. We really held onto that promise because each of our children had some struggles that they were dealing with. I testify that the blessings on our children for our service as missionaries are absolutely real. Our children were blessed in the most incredible heart touching ways. Things we thought could not be solved were solved. She would also benefit from the complete service to the Savior. I really hope that she considers what a blessing she could be to herself, her children and the people she would serve as a missionary. She could also spend as much time serving in the temple as possible. I have seen incredible blessings in people's lives by this service, and their children have been blessed as well. Leave the children to God, serve Him with your whole soul, and He will fix the seemingly unfixable.
ndhiattJuly 31, 2015
It sounds like these adult children might be feeling hurt & resentful & frustrated with the past situation & where they are now because of it. They have tons of trapped emotions in relation to the broken marriage of the parents & the missing father & who knows what else. They need help to heal & this sister does also. There are multiple ways to recognize & let go of the past. One great choice is explained in "The Emotion Code" by Bradley Nelson. You can read it free at healerslibrary.com. Be humble, acknowledge your children's pain, express regret, empathy, & help your children to let things go & give it over to the Lord & let HIm heal them. You do it first & then invite them to work toward healing also.
Idaho MomJuly 31, 2015
My heart aches for this dear sister. I can only imagine how she must feel. I know of another woman in a similar situation and her response was to serve a mission, and then another and another. At 70, if her health and financial situation permits, I would think this sister has much to offer as a missionary, and would be richly blessed as well.
Comments | Return to Story
Grandma MarieAugust 2, 2015
During my life I have met many who were raised by single moms. Three of my favorites are my children's spouses. i have great admiration for their mothers. Life may not have been ideal in their circumstances, but I see the choice individuals they raised as my grandchildren's parents. Many of their trials made them the strong, determined, and loving people they are today. As this single mom desires deserved appreciation, just a little mind you, we should all never agree with anyone who complains about their "single" mother's shortcomings. I listen, understand, but encourage them to find the good. I validate this sister's feelings. Pray and hope for good things for your children, and then go about doing good things for yourself and others.
Ogden MomAugust 2, 2015
Without knowing more, this could be a situation of Divorce Poison or Parental Alienation Syndrome. It occurs as much for women as it does for men. Despite those who say it isn't a real syndrome, it truly is. Read the book Divorce Poison. It is a must for anyone starting, in the middle of or post divorce for themselves or anyone in their family. I feel for this woman. But moving on, while still letting her children know she loves them while not allowing any verbal or physical abuse of any kind is key. Getting involved in something such as the arts, music, or a mission if her situation and health permits is good advise. If she is able, she can also take her grandchildren to do fun, but inexpensive activities. And don't, by all means, don't, lend the grown children money or give them expensive gifts for birthdays or Christmas. It really just makes things worse. A nice card suffices. They need to know that rejection of their mother means not having the benefit of her money. I cannot stress this enough. I am not a psychologist, but this is advise I have received by professionals and church leaders alike.
ajAugust 1, 2015
First, hugs to you! Totally agree with the suggestions to serve (home or away) and look into the EmotionCode. Please also consider the following: 1) read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you haven't already (check your library) and apply it. 2) Keep in mind that when someone becomes addicted, their emotional maturity is stunted so even if they're in their forties, they're not emotionally so meet them where they are and set expectations accordingly. 3) Thoughts and words are powerful and what you focus on gets bigger so focus on the positive!
Michael ChopinJuly 31, 2015
Overall solution: Let them have their agency. I think the primary reason you feel so bad about this is because of the feedback that comes from a mother who naturally worries about their choices. It is admirable that you care, but ultimately they are responsible for their own choices...not you. Let them bear the full burden of their own choices; its not your place to do so anymore...you have fulfilled your obligations to them. The reason they treat you like this is simple: they feel guilty every time they have contact with you because they know deep down that they have treated you unfairly. The anger they have toward you in these situations is a by-product of that. It shows that they refuse to acknowledge your kindness and their obligation to you. I say forgive them their debts and let them have the unattached fullness of their agency. Like others have said here, go away on a mission if you can...if you cannot, stay home and still go on a mission. Your mission is to redefine yourself to the extent that you will come to know exactly who you are without the entanglements of others who choose to be obsessive and controlling. How much more of the creation will be available to your witness when you become less blinded by the cruelty of others! You must let them bear the full weight of their choices just as you have to own yours. Your burdens will be lighter since then you will only have the weight of your own choices.
JLandonJuly 31, 2015
Read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It will change your life. As well as the emotion code that was mentioned.
StephenJuly 31, 2015
After going through a divorce 15 years ago, I can really relate with the frustrations that have been so well defined in this article. I was fortunate enough to re-marry and make my own happiness. Re-marrying at an older age is more difficult, so trust in the Lord to assist in the dating process. Get your health in order through exercise and eating the right foods. Lose weight if necessary and then get on a lot of dating websites. Remember that your children have their own lives and so do you.
cubbyJuly 31, 2015
I agree with Idah mom. go on a mission. You will be so glad you did. I know, I am on a service opportunity with the church and it has made life so exciting. I wake up each morning with a prayer to Father thanking him for the opportunity to serve. As older people the church has so many service opportunities and missions. So,e ar only a day or two a week, and at your own home. Others are around the world making s difference in a place y never dreamed of. When you are done you will have memories to last the entir rest of your lifetime. Your grandchildren will see yr example and it will change their lives. More important, there are blessings that come from service that only those who serve discover. They ar there and they are incredible. Go, sister, go. You are needed. The wrinkled and a bit frail have a lot to offer the world. Go! You will not regret it.
NancyJuly 31, 2015
I too would recommend that she consider going on a mission. We just returned from a 23 month Spanish speaking mission. We were promised when we were set apart for our mission that our children would be blessed because of our service. We really held onto that promise because each of our children had some struggles that they were dealing with. I testify that the blessings on our children for our service as missionaries are absolutely real. Our children were blessed in the most incredible heart touching ways. Things we thought could not be solved were solved. She would also benefit from the complete service to the Savior. I really hope that she considers what a blessing she could be to herself, her children and the people she would serve as a missionary. She could also spend as much time serving in the temple as possible. I have seen incredible blessings in people's lives by this service, and their children have been blessed as well. Leave the children to God, serve Him with your whole soul, and He will fix the seemingly unfixable.
ndhiattJuly 31, 2015
It sounds like these adult children might be feeling hurt & resentful & frustrated with the past situation & where they are now because of it. They have tons of trapped emotions in relation to the broken marriage of the parents & the missing father & who knows what else. They need help to heal & this sister does also. There are multiple ways to recognize & let go of the past. One great choice is explained in "The Emotion Code" by Bradley Nelson. You can read it free at healerslibrary.com. Be humble, acknowledge your children's pain, express regret, empathy, & help your children to let things go & give it over to the Lord & let HIm heal them. You do it first & then invite them to work toward healing also.
Idaho MomJuly 31, 2015
My heart aches for this dear sister. I can only imagine how she must feel. I know of another woman in a similar situation and her response was to serve a mission, and then another and another. At 70, if her health and financial situation permits, I would think this sister has much to offer as a missionary, and would be richly blessed as well.
ADD A COMMENT