My brother is going through a very similar situation, and I fully agree with Jim's comments. Indeed, too many men in our Church get victimized by their spouses and do not get the kind of support and empathy women receive under similar circumstances. My brother loved and served his wife unconditionally, regardless of the abuse he received from her over many years. Even after she left him in poor health, he is still willing to send her money whenever she is asking for it. We are now trying to save his finances and mental sanity from the clutches of this horrible “Temple Recommend Holding” woman, and it's a good thing he didn't get to read the advice provided in this Newsletter.
JimJune 12, 2015
This article plays squarely into the typical LDS social idea that woman can do no wrong. (Social idea NOT doctrine) As that mindset is not gospel, I feel open to express my feelings. The facts I gathered from the article are: 1) the woman left the man. (If you just thought; "oh he must have done something terrible to her" then you are stuck in the social cage referenced before. There is nothing here to suggest he did anything wrong. As a matter of fact he has kept supporting the woman and family even though she made the choice to leave. Sadly the article has the nuance that the woman not receive the full ramifications of her actions.
2) He asked if he was being taken advantage of financially. He did not ask if the process was fair. The LDS 12 step recovery program spends considerable time talking about codependency and how to avoid or separate ourselves from the damages caused in Codependent relationships. The woman in the article only uses WE when talking about money or needing money. Yet the author turns on the man and calls him out for being focused on money. Weird at the least. If the woman is only willing to speak in couple voice when she needs money, is it not her who is manipulating the situation? How is that not a damaging codependent relationship?
3) They have worked out a visitation schedule. Meaning the mother has time when the children are with the father. Why then has she no responsibility financially? Would it hot be helpful to the lady to see what a hell it is to live as a single parent and try to make everything work. Time, schoolwork, finances... Or is it okay for her to have one of the major single parent stresses removed because she is a woman. All the while belittling the man. When in reality he has to play Mommy and balance everything at lease part off the time and that is much harder that making "money". But no mention of his struggles with the separation? I think it could be wise for the man to pay support as outlined by the government as if they were divorced. This way they both can work toward budgeting around child support payments and money management. Divorce is not fair, and the misaligned fairness has nothing to do with money, the Man nor the Woman. It's the Kids that are damaged the most by the experience.
H. StarkJune 12, 2015
If there is no chance at reconciliation, then a certain amount of protection for each spouse is needed. Granted, this is only one side of the issue, but this also happened to my current spouse. She only wanted him around to fix things and wanted to "just be friends". There comes a time when this arrangement is no longer functional for the party who is the one who feels used and difficult questions must be asked by each partner. This is not a relationship that can hang in the balance for eithers' emotional and spiritual health.
Comments | Return to Story
CharlieBrown2292June 15, 2015
My brother is going through a very similar situation, and I fully agree with Jim's comments. Indeed, too many men in our Church get victimized by their spouses and do not get the kind of support and empathy women receive under similar circumstances. My brother loved and served his wife unconditionally, regardless of the abuse he received from her over many years. Even after she left him in poor health, he is still willing to send her money whenever she is asking for it. We are now trying to save his finances and mental sanity from the clutches of this horrible “Temple Recommend Holding” woman, and it's a good thing he didn't get to read the advice provided in this Newsletter.
JimJune 12, 2015
This article plays squarely into the typical LDS social idea that woman can do no wrong. (Social idea NOT doctrine) As that mindset is not gospel, I feel open to express my feelings. The facts I gathered from the article are: 1) the woman left the man. (If you just thought; "oh he must have done something terrible to her" then you are stuck in the social cage referenced before. There is nothing here to suggest he did anything wrong. As a matter of fact he has kept supporting the woman and family even though she made the choice to leave. Sadly the article has the nuance that the woman not receive the full ramifications of her actions. 2) He asked if he was being taken advantage of financially. He did not ask if the process was fair. The LDS 12 step recovery program spends considerable time talking about codependency and how to avoid or separate ourselves from the damages caused in Codependent relationships. The woman in the article only uses WE when talking about money or needing money. Yet the author turns on the man and calls him out for being focused on money. Weird at the least. If the woman is only willing to speak in couple voice when she needs money, is it not her who is manipulating the situation? How is that not a damaging codependent relationship? 3) They have worked out a visitation schedule. Meaning the mother has time when the children are with the father. Why then has she no responsibility financially? Would it hot be helpful to the lady to see what a hell it is to live as a single parent and try to make everything work. Time, schoolwork, finances... Or is it okay for her to have one of the major single parent stresses removed because she is a woman. All the while belittling the man. When in reality he has to play Mommy and balance everything at lease part off the time and that is much harder that making "money". But no mention of his struggles with the separation? I think it could be wise for the man to pay support as outlined by the government as if they were divorced. This way they both can work toward budgeting around child support payments and money management. Divorce is not fair, and the misaligned fairness has nothing to do with money, the Man nor the Woman. It's the Kids that are damaged the most by the experience.
H. StarkJune 12, 2015
If there is no chance at reconciliation, then a certain amount of protection for each spouse is needed. Granted, this is only one side of the issue, but this also happened to my current spouse. She only wanted him around to fix things and wanted to "just be friends". There comes a time when this arrangement is no longer functional for the party who is the one who feels used and difficult questions must be asked by each partner. This is not a relationship that can hang in the balance for eithers' emotional and spiritual health.
ADD A COMMENT