Very beautiful answer. My wife has recently had an unknown step-sister contact her. After some questions and some research my wife has decided that they are in fact related, and getting to know her had been a blessing in our life. I was happy to give her positive support through this, and because of it I have a new sister-in-law that I am proud to know.
LisaNovember 24, 2023
Elaine, I'm wondering how many adopted people you have been close to? I have three adopted children, and I can say that the pull to know one's biological family is overwhelmingly strong. When I first adopted, I did not want to believe that this connection could be what we'd call "primal", but years of parenting have shown me differently. Ironically, it has been the strongest for my child that has most been denied the opportunity. It has been a core theme of her life and her development, and there is no turning that off. I'm grateful she's had the opportunity to meet them now, and I can say with certainty that to be rejected by them would have had life-long implications for her. She already struggled enough just from being adopted in and of itself.
My son met his birthmother a few years ago, and the happy reunion was almost thwarted by his birthmother's husband, who was jealous and couldn't cope with the idea that his wife had a child who wasn't his. (He knew about my son and the adoption before they were ever married.) My son is not a threat. He's an amazing young man who brings positive things into the lives of everyone who knows him. It was so sad to me that this man would choose to make his wife lose her child all over again rather than be willing to face his own issues. I hope the woman in this article is able to get over her initial shock at this news and open herself up to this new relationship , because if handled with care and openness there is a good chance it can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved. Of course if the relationship turns out to be problematic, boundaries can be set as needed. But refusing to accept this new connection is a form of denial, and it doesn't change the face that this man does in fact have a child he doesn't share with his wife.
I don't believe there is any doctrine teaching that we choose our specific circumstances here on earth, only that we choose to come to earth. I know some people believe we choose our parents, but this is speculation or maybe, in certain circumstances, personal revelation given to specific individuals. Even if we were given all the knowledge about everything we'd be facing on earth, that veil placed over our eyes at birth is awfully thick. Also, if this girl did choose to enter mortality in this circumstance, that circumstance includes her biological connection to her first family.
tfNovember 17, 2023
I suggest that folks in this situation read a personal example related by Robert Fulghum (author of "Everything I really need to Know I learned In Kindergarten"), in another of his books "From Beginning to End" pgs 70-78; titled "Adoption". It's a great point of view.
Doris WilliamsNovember 17, 2023
Geoff, I am so grateful for your articles each Friday. It's just so comforting to read your thoughtful, reasoned, educated responses to so many really difficult problems people are faced with. What comfort in this day of division, impatience, condemning in the world to listen to the quiet voice of truth. It strengthens all who read and share in your wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
ElaineNovember 17, 2023
I disagree. There is a biological relationship but no family relationship. That is a choice that can be made either way. Yes to have one or no to not.
I am afraid for me this is a no. And as a Latter Day Saint, I take exception with the idea no choice was made by this girl. Did she not decide to enter mortality in this circumstance?
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Supportive HusbandNovember 24, 2023
Very beautiful answer. My wife has recently had an unknown step-sister contact her. After some questions and some research my wife has decided that they are in fact related, and getting to know her had been a blessing in our life. I was happy to give her positive support through this, and because of it I have a new sister-in-law that I am proud to know.
LisaNovember 24, 2023
Elaine, I'm wondering how many adopted people you have been close to? I have three adopted children, and I can say that the pull to know one's biological family is overwhelmingly strong. When I first adopted, I did not want to believe that this connection could be what we'd call "primal", but years of parenting have shown me differently. Ironically, it has been the strongest for my child that has most been denied the opportunity. It has been a core theme of her life and her development, and there is no turning that off. I'm grateful she's had the opportunity to meet them now, and I can say with certainty that to be rejected by them would have had life-long implications for her. She already struggled enough just from being adopted in and of itself. My son met his birthmother a few years ago, and the happy reunion was almost thwarted by his birthmother's husband, who was jealous and couldn't cope with the idea that his wife had a child who wasn't his. (He knew about my son and the adoption before they were ever married.) My son is not a threat. He's an amazing young man who brings positive things into the lives of everyone who knows him. It was so sad to me that this man would choose to make his wife lose her child all over again rather than be willing to face his own issues. I hope the woman in this article is able to get over her initial shock at this news and open herself up to this new relationship , because if handled with care and openness there is a good chance it can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved. Of course if the relationship turns out to be problematic, boundaries can be set as needed. But refusing to accept this new connection is a form of denial, and it doesn't change the face that this man does in fact have a child he doesn't share with his wife. I don't believe there is any doctrine teaching that we choose our specific circumstances here on earth, only that we choose to come to earth. I know some people believe we choose our parents, but this is speculation or maybe, in certain circumstances, personal revelation given to specific individuals. Even if we were given all the knowledge about everything we'd be facing on earth, that veil placed over our eyes at birth is awfully thick. Also, if this girl did choose to enter mortality in this circumstance, that circumstance includes her biological connection to her first family.
tfNovember 17, 2023
I suggest that folks in this situation read a personal example related by Robert Fulghum (author of "Everything I really need to Know I learned In Kindergarten"), in another of his books "From Beginning to End" pgs 70-78; titled "Adoption". It's a great point of view.
Doris WilliamsNovember 17, 2023
Geoff, I am so grateful for your articles each Friday. It's just so comforting to read your thoughtful, reasoned, educated responses to so many really difficult problems people are faced with. What comfort in this day of division, impatience, condemning in the world to listen to the quiet voice of truth. It strengthens all who read and share in your wisdom. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
ElaineNovember 17, 2023
I disagree. There is a biological relationship but no family relationship. That is a choice that can be made either way. Yes to have one or no to not. I am afraid for me this is a no. And as a Latter Day Saint, I take exception with the idea no choice was made by this girl. Did she not decide to enter mortality in this circumstance?
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