This sounds quite a bit like the problems I experienced with my former husband. He is deceased now and it was not until after his death that I finally figured out the truth. He was mentally ill and there was a family history in his mother's family. He had borderline personality disorder. There are some good websites such as bpdfamily.org and an excellent book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that deal with this disorder from the point of view of the family members. You might read them carefully to see if the symptoms match. You will know. I recognized it by the second page of the first chapter in the book. The match was exact.
Borderline is hard, sometimes even impossible to treat. I am extremely sad that we possess no drugs that bring it under control. There is therapy that can help greatly if the person is willing to admit they are ill. But it is a long struggle, with many setbacks. Not all are willing to admit they have the problem.
I have struggled long and hard seeking answers to the questions I have regarding mental illness. Why does the Lord allow it when it so frequently results in the destruction of the person's eternal marriage and relationships with their parents, siblings and children? How can this be fair in the eternal sense? Why does the Priesthood seem unable and sometimes unwilling to use Priesthood power to heal the afflicted person? If we cannot save a person's eternal marriage and relationships with his/her children using the Priesthood, what good is it, why was it even restored to earth?
I do not possess any answers to these questions and would love to hear from others who do, even just their thoughts on these issues. I know we have much to learn and many false beliefs and behaviors to overcome in this life. Exposure to the mentally ill can certainly help in these things. But I feel like the person whose friend came over to help her clean her house. Her friend worked hard and accomplished much but accidentally set fire to the house while cleaning the stove. She thanked her friend but mentioned that her friend's burning her house down as she cleaned it negated all the hard work she had done. Such is my no longer eternal marriage and family, no longer in existence and no longer capable of being restored, despite all I have learned. And such are the families of several of my mentally ill friends.
I agree with setting boundaries, but I disagree with walking away from or completely cutting of a relationship with a child. This particular daughter sounds like she has some mental health issues, which tells me her children will need all the emotional support they can get. It sounds like a relationship with this child is never going to be easy, and the parents should definitely nurture their marriage and their own well being. If they need to step away from the situation to gain perspective and insight about how to proceed than they should. But please, please don't give up (like the father of the prodigal son didn't give up). You never know how your efforts will pay off with children and other family members, but we know in the eternities that all of our efforts will mean... everything.
James Lehmans "Total transformation" may teach parents and siblings the skills needed to enforce boundaries. Never abandon the child unless this child is physically violent (immediate law enforcement don't wait)
my preparedness group is pretty successful at helping people prepare for life safely...form 10 family groups to support each other...strict goals and accomplishments/contracts...really helping many those with personality disorder towards change...even dealing with a couple sociopaths successfully...helping with job skill training and job opportunities...so its a complete team effort
we have had to take up collections to get medical assessment for a couple of people...
its important that people know how to interact in groups settings...I don't see Addiction Recovery program alone providing the help needed for the people I have worked with...most of those troubled have found joy and self confidence building in taking part in preparedness projects....as we stop focusing on personal deficits and focus on group preparedness, there seems to be a toe hold happening that those who could not before...are able to after...
one of my greatest joys was watching someone who was heading towards 4th generation welfare system...rise up and gain the self confidence to stop stealing and manipulating others for her needs. She has her own successful business now and worked her way through college. One of our mottos is "What's behind the behavior?"
We're fairly protective of those who are struggling.
We had a similar problem with our son, who constantly pestered us for support, a place to stay, whined that life was so hard, etc. Every time he texted us or called us, my heart just sank because we knew it was going to be more drama that a high school kid could figure out. We had to do the unthinkable - tell him "No!" During his last tirade and whining text about how life was so hard, I finally told him that he was 27 years old, and 'way past time he should be dependent on his parents! We completely withdrew support and he lived in his car for about 6 months. Finally one of his friends offered to share an apartment with him and he has learned to live on his own. What you are doing is enabling - just like we were - and it will only stop when you do. Your daughter will probably fall on her face over and over, but that is the only way she will learn. She obviously won't learn any other way. Distance yourself from her / her drama and work on your marriage and other family relationships. You can't possibly have a healthy relationship with your daughter by enabling her. She is long overdue to become an adult.
I know its very hard...my sister has that problem with her son. He has been married 3 times and has 6kids now and all the wives dont like him and some dont want him to see his own kids. He cant afford the child care. my sister is besides herself. my kids knew him well and went to school with him. he was like that way back then. I tried to tell her but she said she had to defend him he has no one. well, he lives off her and is there and 40yrs old as well. its time to let the butterfly fly. its like that story I read as a child or my teacher told me....if you pull the butterfly from the cocoon its muscles as it were arent strong enough for it to fly on its own...and it will more than likely die..if you let it struggle to get out like its suppose to then it will fly. I say really its never too late. they have to learn at some point and sounds like you are ready for that point ...really you are enabling your daughter to do this. and it is crippling her...how can she be judged or learn how to succeed if every time she fails you coddle her ..when you were having those signs of things not going right with her siblings and then your own marriage...that right there tells you ..you were doing the wrong thing....let her go..its you that is holding on....figure out why...
I have a daughter, now 45, who put our family through basically the same drama for over 15 years, and drove us all crazy. Then, in 2009 I found out she had been repeatedly raped when she was 11 and had kept it a secret until she was 40, when told me. After years of family support, police trial, and therapy, she is a different person. Never assume someone is just "bad" without searching out all possibilities.
Because the bad behavior has worked so well she will intensify her drama because it always worked before. You will need a lot of strength to out last her. Pray a lot and read Mosiah 27 and Alma 36. I helped me.
This story is all too familiar to us and many others. I believe the answer is to turn that child over to the Lord and love them and pray for them- but FROM A DISTANCE.
For instance, our son is in prison, and I finally told him that if he can't say anything nice, not to say anything at all. We will write to him, but don't bother writing back with the lies and accusations of things that never occurred. Our health and our marriage has to be top priority. There is no treatment and no cure for this kind of issue, but we continue to pray for a spiritual cure.
This, of course, is exceptionally hard to do when there are minor grandchildren involved! Proceed prayerfully is my only advice.
You should have cut her off 15 years ago. She has made her bed, now let he lay in it.
It is far past time to kick her out of the Garden of Eden and allow her full and complete access to the lone and dreary world.
Of course there will be drama, it has worked for 20+ years. Do not cave in, tell her, "welcome to life." And get a counselor because you are going to need a shoulder to cry on for sure.
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