Oh, my goodness. I’ve been in this man’s shoes and nearly threw away my marriage over a work infatuation. It was a huge eye-opener to me about my coping mechanisms, weaknesses, and faults. My husband and I were working odd shifts and rarely saw each other. He was in law enforcement and was often tired and worn out when had a moment together. I was in an auxiliary presidency and the responsibilities were taxing and often deprived my husband of my attention. I allowed boredom and loneliness to invade my marriage when a man paid me intense interest at work. At first it was just familiarity; then it became flirtation and fixation. I resented my husband and his minor faults and relished the compliments and attraction from a man I had nothing in common with and who would not have crossed my mind or my heart in any other circumstance.
I finally realized it had to stop and asked for help from my bishop and my husband. We began working on improving the trust in our relationship and I began to actively avoid any and all situations where temptation was present. I left my job. I recommitted not just my heart but also my mind to my husband and shut down my tendency to fantasize about anyone else, ever. My husband got a different job, somewhat miraculously, that allowed us much more time together. Out of the ashes we have built a much more positive, loving, trusting relationship. And that began when I asked God to help me want to repent and to recognize my inherent weaknesses, then got to work on changing my mental and emotional habits.
Also, I understand depression and anxiety - deeply. Your wife needs more help with her mental health than she is getting, and she won’t be able to be there for you until she is healthier. Make her health a priority and actively pursue it.
TMMarch 27, 2022
It sounds cliche, but it is possible that the pattern of infatuations that has plagued his marriage speaks to a deeper pattern of coping formed when young because of not getting the quality and quantity of love he needed from his own mother. Was his mother emotionally distant? Was she known as a mean mom? Did he get punished a lot? Was there any abuse? Did she have her own mental health issues she struggled with? One way to assess this could be to see when the pattern of infatuations started. My hunch is it began well before he was married.
tfMarch 25, 2022
From what this man has written, i don't think he is actually temple worthy. But it sounds like this type of thing has happened several times in his life. I wish a talk by Carlfred Broderick entitled "It came out of the Blue, Like a Scheduled Airline" that was available on tape, could be re-issued on CD. It could help in this type of situation.
SarahMarch 25, 2022
You hired her/she got a job with you less than a year ago. Because of covid you don't work in an office, but at home but you can travel with her? Correct?
You talk on the phone a lot when you aren't travelling, and each night and on weekends your wife hides in her room... Are you in seperated rooms?
All your married life you have been infatuated with someone... But not your wife.
You travel a lot, so are hardly there and when you are, your wife is hiding!?
Your wife is depressed because of the above, which started when you put a ring on it. If you love your wife, start kissing her!
Invite her out of the room.. To travel with you, if she can a few times a month.
At 22yrs married your kids can maybe fend for themselves a few nights.
If your wife works, then do things on the weekends with her.
Stop this hiding cycle, by helping her trust you and your thoughts.
Change your behaviour, and then help her change to trust and love you.
If you are not bothered, then let her go, so she can get well and thrive.
This is not a way to exist.
Travus AllenMarch 25, 2022
I enjoy all of your articles. I read them all. I really really enjoyed this one. Very good insight and counsel. Thanks again.
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KBApril 14, 2022
Oh, my goodness. I’ve been in this man’s shoes and nearly threw away my marriage over a work infatuation. It was a huge eye-opener to me about my coping mechanisms, weaknesses, and faults. My husband and I were working odd shifts and rarely saw each other. He was in law enforcement and was often tired and worn out when had a moment together. I was in an auxiliary presidency and the responsibilities were taxing and often deprived my husband of my attention. I allowed boredom and loneliness to invade my marriage when a man paid me intense interest at work. At first it was just familiarity; then it became flirtation and fixation. I resented my husband and his minor faults and relished the compliments and attraction from a man I had nothing in common with and who would not have crossed my mind or my heart in any other circumstance. I finally realized it had to stop and asked for help from my bishop and my husband. We began working on improving the trust in our relationship and I began to actively avoid any and all situations where temptation was present. I left my job. I recommitted not just my heart but also my mind to my husband and shut down my tendency to fantasize about anyone else, ever. My husband got a different job, somewhat miraculously, that allowed us much more time together. Out of the ashes we have built a much more positive, loving, trusting relationship. And that began when I asked God to help me want to repent and to recognize my inherent weaknesses, then got to work on changing my mental and emotional habits. Also, I understand depression and anxiety - deeply. Your wife needs more help with her mental health than she is getting, and she won’t be able to be there for you until she is healthier. Make her health a priority and actively pursue it.
TMMarch 27, 2022
It sounds cliche, but it is possible that the pattern of infatuations that has plagued his marriage speaks to a deeper pattern of coping formed when young because of not getting the quality and quantity of love he needed from his own mother. Was his mother emotionally distant? Was she known as a mean mom? Did he get punished a lot? Was there any abuse? Did she have her own mental health issues she struggled with? One way to assess this could be to see when the pattern of infatuations started. My hunch is it began well before he was married.
tfMarch 25, 2022
From what this man has written, i don't think he is actually temple worthy. But it sounds like this type of thing has happened several times in his life. I wish a talk by Carlfred Broderick entitled "It came out of the Blue, Like a Scheduled Airline" that was available on tape, could be re-issued on CD. It could help in this type of situation.
SarahMarch 25, 2022
You hired her/she got a job with you less than a year ago. Because of covid you don't work in an office, but at home but you can travel with her? Correct? You talk on the phone a lot when you aren't travelling, and each night and on weekends your wife hides in her room... Are you in seperated rooms? All your married life you have been infatuated with someone... But not your wife. You travel a lot, so are hardly there and when you are, your wife is hiding!? Your wife is depressed because of the above, which started when you put a ring on it. If you love your wife, start kissing her! Invite her out of the room.. To travel with you, if she can a few times a month. At 22yrs married your kids can maybe fend for themselves a few nights. If your wife works, then do things on the weekends with her. Stop this hiding cycle, by helping her trust you and your thoughts. Change your behaviour, and then help her change to trust and love you. If you are not bothered, then let her go, so she can get well and thrive. This is not a way to exist.
Travus AllenMarch 25, 2022
I enjoy all of your articles. I read them all. I really really enjoyed this one. Very good insight and counsel. Thanks again.
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