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May 30, 2020

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vickieJune 9, 2014

wow...when I saw the title of this I was amazed..I felt like the lone wolf all my life. I have been married almost 45yrs to someone who has a problem with managing money. I will be 63 this year and after raising 5 kids and struggling so very much with money because my husbands inability to manage it or to even listen to me speak about it. this did create such a rift in our marriage that I almost left him. Instead I went into a major depression episode for the first time at 26yrs old. In the begining I didnt say anything to him but when I went through that depression it caused me to realize what was happening and I better start. so I did and nothing worked..we went around and around in circles and he kept up his behavior and I got sick many times because of it. the stress from it as women especially see things as SECURITY. and that is why this person or this woman feels that way its our security. I didnt believe in working and wanted to raise my kids so I lived very tight with money. I was taught though by my parents how to manage money. and my husband was taught nothing and is why he has such a problem. we fought and fought and fought over it and my kids heard it and because of hearing us fight over it they realized h ow important it was to manage money and not let it get the best of you. so one good thing came out of this and that was that money doesnt grow on trees and what it feels like to not have it as we didnt and I was always struggling only because of how my husband believed. so really to me the parents make the big difference in how children manage or handle money. my mother was a spender and my father a real tight wad...well, over the years he taught her and she became just like him. she didnt work and that was in the olden days and so women depended on the men for money so she listened to him. its different for women when the woman is the manager and the man is the spend thrift...it is soo hard but I know that God put us together for a reason and to this day though my husband will not let me talk to him about money because he sees me as a nag and he thinks Im looking down on him and dont respect him. its an ego thing for him...and that is soo hard...over the years we have always paid our tithing and I think God has blessed us for it and him and he does believe in saving ..my only fault is Im not willing to take risks as he is like investing and I have stopped him from doing it because we had no money and he would do it with no money. so he blames me for stopping him from becoming rich...I never wanted to be rich I just wanted to have a little house as well but we have owned several homes once he retired from the military. I love my husband very much and know that God knows all things and we are a work in progress and so we have to stick together until we shine like Gold..I have been to therapy with my husband and he fell asleep..my dr said forget it..you have to make a decision..stay or go..I stayed...Im glad I did..my kids have learned a lesson besides the money issue...one doesnt run just because things get hard...you stick it out and work on it..never give up...God is watching us..He knows what is happening..

Mary LJune 9, 2014

I have dealt with this problem also. After 45 years of frustration, which greatly affected our relationship, our son intervened with a solution. We got separate bank accounts. I handled all the family expenses with the money that went into my account and was able to build up savings also. My husband handled his own personal expenses with the money that went into his account. Surprisingly, he became much more alert and aware of his money situation, and I felt less anxious about his financial decisions, because they did not affect me.

DavidJune 9, 2014

how about an action plan... ask for a share of his good income.Put it in a separate account each week.

CharleneJune 9, 2014

Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for this article. I have struggled with almost the same issues for 55 years now. Pleading, crying and praying changed nothing. The spirit spoke these words to me, years ago. "Your family is in trouble: lack of communication." I didn't completely understand. I do now, thanks to you. Communication involves not only expressing my feelings but my fears and also trying to understand another's. All I could see was his wrong behavior and I should have been trying to understand the deeper issues, and encourage him to express them by insuring I am not trying to change him, only understand, first and foremost, praying for wisdom and understanding.

Solange Saint-PaulJune 9, 2014

I am the one in my marriage who is irresponsible with money & have the same disorders described as belonging to the husband in the first comment to the article. My husband & I have been married for almost 50yrs and was diagnosed recently. I'm so glad my husband has never kicked me to the curb for my problems. I have had jobs since my children were in middle school to help pay for my financial irresponsibility. I feel sorry for the man who died without the love of his wife because she couldn't recognize his problems might have been diagnosable and were. I feel sorry for the woman too because she could see past her own needs to see his needs were greater than hers and so needed more love, tolerance and an extra measure of consideration. Divorce is very serious and shouldn't be entered lightly and only as a last resort. I think to many people today consider it much too quickly and too easily. Its obvious in my life that I have problems that aren't going to go away but for some reason I've been blessed with the love of a man who can look past those problems when we spend special time together and he often offers to help me organize my finances.By the same token I've been able to help him over the years with his problems too so we've had a lot of give and take. That's what marriage is all about making the imbalances more balanced by taking our two halves and putting them together to so we as a couple can become more whole. Married life is full of surprises and may God bless us all so we might be more equal to our tasks.

MBFJune 8, 2014

My husband and I had this same issues, plus others. After 29 years of not being heard, valued, and after marital counseling, I finally gave up and left our marriage. My husband has since destroyed the financial situation of 2 other women and is currently divorced again. I don't have a lot financially but at least I don't have to live in fear of the next financial disaster he is going to create.

Janet G.June 7, 2014

I have to share my sad experience, that maybe it will be of help to this sister and her husband. This could be the story of my life; i was so very frustrated all our married life because my husband was so financially irresponsible, no matter how much I talked and explained to him, pleaded with him and was angry out of frustration with having financial problems of his causing.. We went to marriage counselors from the 2nd year of our marriage until our separation 22 years later, which finally ended in divorce (money was not the only issue). Finally, 33 years later, after re-reading some letters written at the time of our separation, leading to our divorce. I realized that he had had Asperger's (sp?) as well as ADD, and was totally incapable of relating to others and their needs and feelings. It was just not possible for him. I am now able to forgive him for his many failings and see the good he tried to achieve in spite of them, not understanding himself why he was the way he was. Hopefully he has found peace on the other side of the veil, as he has passed away. I hope this helps someone else to consider a possible reason for their spouse's issues and follow through on testing, etc. to be sure everything has been checked.

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