This is very well written & assumes nothing. In my experience, 3 months newlyweds, our partners, many times, are still amazing. It takes years to learn each other’s ins & outs/ups & downs. There are partners that are toxic & will do toxic things to their spouse when they are upset, so it is important to protect yourself from that if that is the type person one’s spouse is. If that is not the case here & both people are “safe” with each other, then there is absolutely NO reason for each partner to not have full access to each other’s accounts. The fact that he is not open to you & does not allow you into this part of his life clearly communicates he is hiding things. If trust is to be built & maintained in a marriage, each partner has a right to know the full scope of each other’s actions together & apart. I agree that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The behavior being described (of not being open, hiding what is being texted/done, & with distant feelings following) indicates it could be a porn addiction &/or more. If this ends up being true, getting help/counseling sooner than later is critically important.
LuluSeptember 2, 2014
My husband had an affair for three years, but he ended it to stay in his marriage (with kids). I know he still has photos of his lover on his phone and I want him to delete everything about her. He hasn't done this and no he says no when I ask him that we should share phone password. We both want to make this good, but it is hard to trust him if he obviously has something to hide.
BApril 6, 2014
Do what I did with a Ex. give the password than turn around and change it. Spouse is happy that you shared the password and your happy that you changed it.
KApril 2, 2014
I have a controlling husband...this is difficult to give out my passwords..fear he will use it against me when he is mad. I guess I call it a trust issue along with his insecurities.
JennjferMarch 30, 2014
My guess is that he is hiding something that, if she knew what it was, would cause problems in their marriage. They need to deal with this issue right away, before they start having children. When you're married, there are certainly healthy boundaries that need to be observed, but I feel strongly that spouses should have a free-flow of access to passwords. If they don't, it creates doubts and mistrust. Deal with this now, I beg you.
JackMarch 30, 2014
The only thing I keep secret from my wife is a birthday or Christmas present. Other than that I have nothing to hide. That's the way it should be if you really want a good relationship based on trust.
RandyMarch 30, 2014
There are folks whose spouses feel that they should be in charge of everything. Withholding passwords from such a spouse can be an essential part of helping them to understand where the proper boundaries in their realm of control is.
jiMarch 28, 2014
Married for three months? Maybe she's smothering her poor husband, and his phone is the only place he has any space. Just a possibility -- as real as possibility that he's hiding porn. I say, give him the benefit of the doubt.
34-year-hubbyMarch 28, 2014
My wife refuses to share her passwords. But I trust her. She asked for mine once, and I told her that we could trade info - that ended that. While my wife has a need for her privacy, at the same time I trust her and she trusts me. I do not see why a spouse not giving passwords out is an "automatic" worry. As I read the article, my first question was: is this wife being too controlling? Is he simply resisting yet another aspect of her gaining control over his life? If he is an ideal husband in every other way, then maybe the issue is the wife's ability to trust.
David A HallMarch 28, 2014
The point is well taken that not sharing some of these things is a sign of mistrust. But I'd caution people to be careful how you judge another. I know of one case where the husband is basically a very open person but doesn't give his wife full access to those things because she has a pattern of hurting him, doing things behind his back. So this trust issue can get complicated. And if someone has a history of being betrayed, they may need time to get over that.
Fritz AckermanMarch 28, 2014
I do not EVER share my passwords with anyone. I do not care who it is, one day they will betray that trust, so I never give that much trust to anyone.
JeanneLauree OlsenMarch 28, 2014
I have worked with families and couples in the field of addiction for over 20 years. There is a saying that covers this issue
"Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."
Trust your gut. Often, it is the Spirit speaking to you.
My greatest concern is that the relationship got clear to marriage without presenting itself.
I see women who spend more time deciding if a blouse is the right color and fit before they buy it, than they spend picking out he man they will spend eternity with.
What is wrong with this picture?
Comments | Return to Story
TMarch 6, 2015
This is very well written & assumes nothing. In my experience, 3 months newlyweds, our partners, many times, are still amazing. It takes years to learn each other’s ins & outs/ups & downs. There are partners that are toxic & will do toxic things to their spouse when they are upset, so it is important to protect yourself from that if that is the type person one’s spouse is. If that is not the case here & both people are “safe” with each other, then there is absolutely NO reason for each partner to not have full access to each other’s accounts. The fact that he is not open to you & does not allow you into this part of his life clearly communicates he is hiding things. If trust is to be built & maintained in a marriage, each partner has a right to know the full scope of each other’s actions together & apart. I agree that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The behavior being described (of not being open, hiding what is being texted/done, & with distant feelings following) indicates it could be a porn addiction &/or more. If this ends up being true, getting help/counseling sooner than later is critically important.
LuluSeptember 2, 2014
My husband had an affair for three years, but he ended it to stay in his marriage (with kids). I know he still has photos of his lover on his phone and I want him to delete everything about her. He hasn't done this and no he says no when I ask him that we should share phone password. We both want to make this good, but it is hard to trust him if he obviously has something to hide.
BApril 6, 2014
Do what I did with a Ex. give the password than turn around and change it. Spouse is happy that you shared the password and your happy that you changed it.
KApril 2, 2014
I have a controlling husband...this is difficult to give out my passwords..fear he will use it against me when he is mad. I guess I call it a trust issue along with his insecurities.
JennjferMarch 30, 2014
My guess is that he is hiding something that, if she knew what it was, would cause problems in their marriage. They need to deal with this issue right away, before they start having children. When you're married, there are certainly healthy boundaries that need to be observed, but I feel strongly that spouses should have a free-flow of access to passwords. If they don't, it creates doubts and mistrust. Deal with this now, I beg you.
JackMarch 30, 2014
The only thing I keep secret from my wife is a birthday or Christmas present. Other than that I have nothing to hide. That's the way it should be if you really want a good relationship based on trust.
RandyMarch 30, 2014
There are folks whose spouses feel that they should be in charge of everything. Withholding passwords from such a spouse can be an essential part of helping them to understand where the proper boundaries in their realm of control is.
jiMarch 28, 2014
Married for three months? Maybe she's smothering her poor husband, and his phone is the only place he has any space. Just a possibility -- as real as possibility that he's hiding porn. I say, give him the benefit of the doubt.
34-year-hubbyMarch 28, 2014
My wife refuses to share her passwords. But I trust her. She asked for mine once, and I told her that we could trade info - that ended that. While my wife has a need for her privacy, at the same time I trust her and she trusts me. I do not see why a spouse not giving passwords out is an "automatic" worry. As I read the article, my first question was: is this wife being too controlling? Is he simply resisting yet another aspect of her gaining control over his life? If he is an ideal husband in every other way, then maybe the issue is the wife's ability to trust.
David A HallMarch 28, 2014
The point is well taken that not sharing some of these things is a sign of mistrust. But I'd caution people to be careful how you judge another. I know of one case where the husband is basically a very open person but doesn't give his wife full access to those things because she has a pattern of hurting him, doing things behind his back. So this trust issue can get complicated. And if someone has a history of being betrayed, they may need time to get over that.
Fritz AckermanMarch 28, 2014
I do not EVER share my passwords with anyone. I do not care who it is, one day they will betray that trust, so I never give that much trust to anyone.
JeanneLauree OlsenMarch 28, 2014
I have worked with families and couples in the field of addiction for over 20 years. There is a saying that covers this issue "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." Trust your gut. Often, it is the Spirit speaking to you. My greatest concern is that the relationship got clear to marriage without presenting itself. I see women who spend more time deciding if a blouse is the right color and fit before they buy it, than they spend picking out he man they will spend eternity with. What is wrong with this picture?
ADD A COMMENT