We have not been through a ward split with teenagers (yet), but we do live twenty minutes away from the youth my kids' age. We have six or more high schools in our ward boundaries. The funny thing? My son goes to high school with kids from the other ward. We have decided to let him choose where he attends early-morning seminary.
busymomFebruary 16, 2013
Amen, KTN. My children are in the same boat. We have had three changes in the last few years and honestly, it is hard to feel a strong bond with those you attend church with when in a few months, you might be attending an entirely different congregation. Even as an adult, although I work well with those in my ward, I still know it is likely temporary and that putting forth the effort to form solid friendships, is not always worth the effort.
There were no boundary changes in the ward I grew up and I am still very close with those in my primary and YW groups. My husband had the same experience.
I, too, have always enjoyed and learned from Eugene England (did he teach everyone?, lol) but I do think there is value in being able to choose one's congregation. That way, those who don't easily fit in can find a place where they can grow and feel welcome.
ktn February 12, 2013
I am glad it worked out so well for the youth that you referred to. I have not had that experience at all. You are speaking of a young man who had a strong testimony--whose solution was "open my mouth", and of an 11 year old. We live in a part of our stake that gets moved every single time ward boundaries are redrawn (7 times in the last 15 years). Our stake president even called ours a "ping pong neighborhood." Our teenagers have never spent their entire YM/YW years in the same ward. I have seen many active, happy youth stop coming to church when they are ripped from their ward family and plunked down in a new one (in our current ward there are 6 different high schools among the 30 or so YM/YW--and that doesn't count the middle school kids--so there is nothing in common beyond church). Our son, who has NEVER had friends at church, and who is very immature in testimony, finally connected with some other ward YM last summer at a super activity. These are great kids who are strong in the gospel and who encouraged (insisted!) our very shy son to come to YM & church activities. For the first time in his life, he went happily and felt a part of the group. Then the ward boundaries were changed, and we now are in a ward on the other side of town. He knows no one. He is 17. He can drive. It is our old ward or no church at all for him. Our youngest child, a YW, is strong in the church but is the only one within a year of her age, either older or younger, in our new ward. There is no one for her to make friends with--and even if she "opens her mouth" with her friends, and they all joined the church, it wouldn't help her. They would all be in a different stake! No one she goes to school with would be in our ward.
I love Eugene England too--"Why the Church is as True as the Gospel" was one of the most powerful essays I've ever read (and reread!). But for those still in the milk phase of testimony, the test of exile to a foreign ward can be way too much. We lose many youth that way--I saw three strong young men fade away last time we went through this 4 years ago, and our older daughter was severely shaken and has not completely recovered. Interesting that we spend so much time and effort building relationships & community through Activity Days and scouts so that these kids will be a support to each other through those difficult teenage years, and then we say. "oh sorry--now you need to be friends with this bunch instead!" We parents try hard not to move when our kids are in high school because we know how devastating that can be, and yet we think nothing of changing ward boundaries and cavalierly say, oh, they'll get used to it! I will tell you from experience with four teens who've been through this (not to mention watching many others in my yo-yo neighborhood)--if they are older than 14, they may survive it, but they will never feel a part of the new ward. Their hearts will always be with the old one. And they will often hold the church responsible for their pain (just as they would be mad at mom & dad for moving in their junior year)--not logical, but teenagers aren't always logical!
Sorry this is so long but one last thing--because we have been through this so often, we adults have tried really hard--done everything that anyone might suggest. We are positive about the change, understanding, try to get kids from both wards together socially at our homes, have FHEs, pray (even putting names on temple prayer rolls), etc, etc. My husband is in the bishopric and they felt the YM/YW callings were the most important in the ward and wonderful people were called. Despite all of this, most of these kids still feel profoundly betrayed and hurt. We adults need to stop focusing on the rosy stories (that make us feel better) and recognize the great kids who we turning off. I wish I had a solution.
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JennaFebruary 27, 2013
We have not been through a ward split with teenagers (yet), but we do live twenty minutes away from the youth my kids' age. We have six or more high schools in our ward boundaries. The funny thing? My son goes to high school with kids from the other ward. We have decided to let him choose where he attends early-morning seminary.
busymomFebruary 16, 2013
Amen, KTN. My children are in the same boat. We have had three changes in the last few years and honestly, it is hard to feel a strong bond with those you attend church with when in a few months, you might be attending an entirely different congregation. Even as an adult, although I work well with those in my ward, I still know it is likely temporary and that putting forth the effort to form solid friendships, is not always worth the effort. There were no boundary changes in the ward I grew up and I am still very close with those in my primary and YW groups. My husband had the same experience. I, too, have always enjoyed and learned from Eugene England (did he teach everyone?, lol) but I do think there is value in being able to choose one's congregation. That way, those who don't easily fit in can find a place where they can grow and feel welcome.
ktn February 12, 2013
I am glad it worked out so well for the youth that you referred to. I have not had that experience at all. You are speaking of a young man who had a strong testimony--whose solution was "open my mouth", and of an 11 year old. We live in a part of our stake that gets moved every single time ward boundaries are redrawn (7 times in the last 15 years). Our stake president even called ours a "ping pong neighborhood." Our teenagers have never spent their entire YM/YW years in the same ward. I have seen many active, happy youth stop coming to church when they are ripped from their ward family and plunked down in a new one (in our current ward there are 6 different high schools among the 30 or so YM/YW--and that doesn't count the middle school kids--so there is nothing in common beyond church). Our son, who has NEVER had friends at church, and who is very immature in testimony, finally connected with some other ward YM last summer at a super activity. These are great kids who are strong in the gospel and who encouraged (insisted!) our very shy son to come to YM & church activities. For the first time in his life, he went happily and felt a part of the group. Then the ward boundaries were changed, and we now are in a ward on the other side of town. He knows no one. He is 17. He can drive. It is our old ward or no church at all for him. Our youngest child, a YW, is strong in the church but is the only one within a year of her age, either older or younger, in our new ward. There is no one for her to make friends with--and even if she "opens her mouth" with her friends, and they all joined the church, it wouldn't help her. They would all be in a different stake! No one she goes to school with would be in our ward. I love Eugene England too--"Why the Church is as True as the Gospel" was one of the most powerful essays I've ever read (and reread!). But for those still in the milk phase of testimony, the test of exile to a foreign ward can be way too much. We lose many youth that way--I saw three strong young men fade away last time we went through this 4 years ago, and our older daughter was severely shaken and has not completely recovered. Interesting that we spend so much time and effort building relationships & community through Activity Days and scouts so that these kids will be a support to each other through those difficult teenage years, and then we say. "oh sorry--now you need to be friends with this bunch instead!" We parents try hard not to move when our kids are in high school because we know how devastating that can be, and yet we think nothing of changing ward boundaries and cavalierly say, oh, they'll get used to it! I will tell you from experience with four teens who've been through this (not to mention watching many others in my yo-yo neighborhood)--if they are older than 14, they may survive it, but they will never feel a part of the new ward. Their hearts will always be with the old one. And they will often hold the church responsible for their pain (just as they would be mad at mom & dad for moving in their junior year)--not logical, but teenagers aren't always logical! Sorry this is so long but one last thing--because we have been through this so often, we adults have tried really hard--done everything that anyone might suggest. We are positive about the change, understanding, try to get kids from both wards together socially at our homes, have FHEs, pray (even putting names on temple prayer rolls), etc, etc. My husband is in the bishopric and they felt the YM/YW callings were the most important in the ward and wonderful people were called. Despite all of this, most of these kids still feel profoundly betrayed and hurt. We adults need to stop focusing on the rosy stories (that make us feel better) and recognize the great kids who we turning off. I wish I had a solution.
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