I always appreciate Geoff's column, and the comments are also appropriate so far.
I want to note specifically the fact she is comfortable sending semi nude photos of herself. This may or may not still be related to earlier trauma, but if so, it indicates she is not in enough recovery from that, and/or sexually addictive behaviors.
I'm so glad the writer is seeking assistance for this very serious concern regarding the consideration of entering into an eternal marriage and the issue of prior immoral behaviors, as it seems to be the pattern that once we've given our heart, we'll look the other way regarding less than ideal behavioral patterns.
I love Geoff's columns, and here I admire him for trying to be kind and non-judgmental to your fiancé, but, as he points out, when we are contemplating marriage, we have to judge. And what I am seeing here are some serious red flags, and you need good answers before going through with this marriage. I have two points.
First, it looks to me like your fiancé may never qualify for a temple marriage. To get there, she is going to have to talk with a bishop about her sexuality.
Second, the reasons for our behavior are rarely simple or singular. There is usually a complex network of reasons we do or don't do certain things. And I can't help wondering, based on what you are saying, if part of the reason your fiancé doesn't want to talk to her bishop is that she really doesn't want to change. She's giving you other signals that this may be the case.
I speak from experience with a failed marriage and a successful one--you see your partner's best side before marriage. Afterward, you get comfortable with each other and the true character of each of you begins to come out. Take these little clues seriously. Little clues turn into big problems once you are married.
My advice would be, as Geoff encourages you to do, be patient and understanding with her. If she means a lot to you, wait her out and hopefully she will come around. But I think you would be smart to ask for complete repentance in the Lord's ordained system before you marry her.
Very very good advice. So often before marriage, our prospective partner sends up 'red flags'. It would have been good for us to see them beforehand, and would have saved a lot of misery and heartbreak, especially the tender hearts of our future children. Yet, being single, and not experienced we overlook what should be very important points. This girl is showing her true colors and actions speak louder than words. I would hit the pause button and take a break from the relationship. Your heart and the Spirit will direct you.
When I was a young missionary many years ago, one of the final steps in the Repentance process that we taught was forsaking that which you are repenting of, which sometimes even includes the necessity of forsaking those who would keep you associating with the action and/or lifestyle you are repenting of. No matter how much you love this woman, your association with her will keep you tied in some way with with the actions/lifestyle you are forsaking in order to reconcile yourself with Heavenly Father. What sort of moral compromises are you willing to make to maintain a relationship with her? The fact that she will not even begin the repentance process with her bishop tells you she is not ready to return to the Lord. This may be one of the hardest and morally difficult choices in you to make in life -- also one of the most important! I pray that you seek the Lord and listen carefully. God bless you as you face these decisions.
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