It is obvious that you have a problem. Your husband and his sister don't have a problem...they have behavior. Until their behavior becomes their problem, it will continue to be their behavior. There is an old saying:
"If you can't wean the baby, you have to sour the milk."
Setting boundaries isn't about telling them what they have to do...it's about establishing what you need in order to remain in the situation. To the degree they are willing to honor your boundaries you will know whether you can remain in the situation.
There need to be natural consequences for the violation of boundaries that are clearly communicated when the boundaries are established. Since you are the breadwinner, you have a lot more leverage then either of them do. In the event you withdraw your financial support what would they do? Maybe it's time to find out.
For instance, if they respond with "are you kicking me to the curb?" You response might be: "No, I'm not kicking you to the curb....your behavior is doing that."
This isn't really about them - it's about you and what you've taught them about how to treat you. Your task is not to seek for peace in your life. Your task is to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
SImply put....don't blame a clown for acting like a clown...ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.
Amen to others who have commented who were also hospice workers. I made the mistake of sticking up for family members when they stayed a year in our home with their destructive dogs.
My spouse (like you) kept trying to kick them out nicely but I was foolish and kept feeling sorry for them all while they manipulated us, (me imparticular) and rarely helped around the house. After a horrible incident with their dogs and mine they moved out.
Our marriage took a big hit in the year long struggle and now we are mending it and I take a lot of the blame for that. If your husband is going to be physically aggressive and always angry with you then I guess you give him the ultimate ultimatum, but with love and a non-emotional delivery as best you can. Give it to him straight "If your sister does not leave and you choose to continue to make me support her and her drug habit in our home, I will start divorce proceedings in two weeks if she is not gone and you refuse to get counseling with me." The end. Do get a lawyer first as CL suggested.
Your sister-in-law has no right or business living with you; destroying your marital intimacy and deepening wounds in your already fragile marriage.
Either he will care enough to take you seriously and let go of his manipulative sister or he will stick with her first because blood is thicker then marriage to him. I feel for him as I am easily manipulated by others and their "hardships (they bring on themselves) as well". If I could go back and redo this last year I would have kicked the extra family members out with in two months and their dogs would have gone to the shelter to be adopted by people who could care for them properly, "no if and or buts" and certainly I wouldn't have allowed their dogs to hurt my own dog. They kept telling me they were "working on it" when it came to getting rid of their dogs until it was too late. Don't be as stupid as me.
Often we allow ourselves to be manipulated by those who have been through severe trauma as children as we feel we are helping make up for how crappy their childhood was and we want to prove we are better then their parents were. However there's nothing we can do or say that will help them out of their victim mentality and they will always play the victim card to serve themselves. They are survivors and manipulate others to survive. We choose how much manipulation we're willing to take till we hit a tipping point then we free ourselves. Good luck and prayers for all.
You don't have to be the "Meanie", but you do need to set some ground rules and establish that you have power in your own home. Maybe the sister can stay if she does certain things hat are rquired, such as not illegaly smoking pot in your home, putting you in jepordy of the law. She should have "chores" as should anyone living with you. Pray earnestly about what ground rules to set for the entire family, then present them to each family memer so that they know just what is expected of them. Set a time limit for them to comply and lay out clearly the consequences if they don't. This puts them clearly in charge of their destiny as to whether they stay in your home or not. It is what THEY do that will determne if they stay or go. Giving them this power will releave you of the stress of making them do what they don't want. If your husband is capeable of helping you make these rules, by all means involve him in that. You are partners and if you approach him in asking what he thinks would be adequate rules, may go far in helping your marriage relationship. You are not meant to carry this load alone. Seek The Lords help and confer(not demand or even request) with your husband. Praying for you to have comfort and strength, maybe a blessing from your Bishop is in order. I got one from mine that turned around a lousy atmosphere and awful relationships in my home.
Here's the situation: You are the breadwinner. The house is likely in your name through the rent contract or mortgage. You have a dependent (husband) who is abusive in various ways. That is NO excuse for anything. He is also betraying his marriage to you by catering to another woman (his sister). There are huge boundary problems in your relationship. She is violating the law by the marijuana use, which you are exposed to the odor daily and you take it with you on your clothes to go to work around terminally ill patients. Here is what your options are. You need first to consult an attorney and have sister-in-law removed from your home, by law-enforcement (through a court order) if necessary. Unfortunately, your husband does not sound like he will be cooperative, so I would not waste any more stress with this situation. I have been exactly where you are, and I am a retired paramedic-nurse myself. I also worked in hospice care at the same time I had to go through a divorce. You must not leave your home. This is your home, YOU do not pack your bags. PLEASE consult with a lawyer immediately to assess your rights in this situation. And I would highly recommend any special counseling in betrayal trauma, because you are definitely going through that. www.btr.org. Be selective with counseling. Not every therapist will be appropriate, and clergy is not trained in this either. Praying for you....
I too work with hospice. Your nature is to be patient, kind and to look to others well being. Hospice is a demanding occupation, especially for a nurse. I cannot imagine living under your current conditions and if I were you, I would pack a large suitcase and move out and give yourself some space and time to allow your head to clear and hear God. He does not require you to be miserable or to sacrifice your own well being and earthy progression. You are being used, manipulated and in-prisoned but you hold the key to your own jail cell. Take care of yourself or there will be nothing left to care for anyone else. And whether or not you admit it, your home stress is affecting your performance at work. God wants to help you. Let him.
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