Dear Unaccepted Wife. Please excuse my being direct, but you and your husband share some responsibility in enabling this serious problem. You have given this woman power to emotionally abuse both of you for 8 years and from the context of your writing it is likely to shortly increase in tension as you deliver. I honor you for anticipating a possible crisis as you bring a new creation into the world. How will this person view that innocent infant? Will she, perhaps without conscious awareness, transfer some of her disregard for you to the child? I view this situation with understanding as a man recovering from being an addictive controller. I learned of my addiction because I chose to accept group counseling and as part of that exposure witnessed women who came to weekly meetings because their husband-abuse became intolerable and they wanted resolution. In most cases the group taught and supported each other about how to gain control and not be victims. In my innosence I thought I could be a fly-on-the-wall. Ha. Not possible. I became involved in the trauma and challenges and discovered how deeply powerful addictive behaviors are. I suggest it is time to reverse the circumstances. What are your needs? Can you generate courage with love and caring to establish game-changing behaviors. This is not a time in your life to be nice to her which I sense you have tried without even getting eye contact. You need to disconnect from her abuse by setting rules you choose. I suggest you politely address her (with your words) that you will avoid contact so long as she engages in abusive words and uncomfortable contacts. When she privately agrees she may make it known in a way acceptable to you, maybe in writing.. Until she makes contact, you must enforce your limits, not even phone calls. You will have regained your power instead of giving it to her. I suggest you are strict because she may engage in a fight if she can make you feel like you are abusing her. I wish you loving success. David.
f the me but I will What are your expectations? You have allowed this mentally ill seems to me that you have given your mother-in-law power to control your life for 8 years, and as of this writing I sense no change in the health of that relationship. What are your expectations? I write as one who is a recovering addictive
My daughter had a similar situation, and it took years, but she has a good relationship with her mother-in-law now. I think reaching out to the MIL and inviting her out to lunch, just as you would do with your own mother is key to establishing a relationship. In my daughter's case, they invite MIL and FIL out to pizza regularly, if MIL is in a cranky mood, she stays home, if not she goes; it is her choice to be included or not.
This is a completely toxic relationship with the mother-in-law. She is wanting control on her terms and is undermining the wife right in front of her son. She is giving him an ultimatum and he is actually the one who needs to choose anything. The wife owes her mother-in-law nothing at this point! I believe the best advice is for the husband and wife to realize the mother-in-law is a controlling narcissist and will stop at nothing to accomplish a division within this marriage. This is not a healthy atmosphere to bring this new baby into, so they will need to secure their borders for the safety of their own family. THEY are the only ones who should be in control here. My next concern is, this mother raised the husband. Does he see the abusive nature of his mother and is he willing to protect his wife and baby? This is the only stance that will save his marriage. Ask me how I know -- this has happened to me and my former husband put his family first because that was the modus operandi of his original family, and ours ended. I am not bitter, I am grateful that is no longer in my life. When you've been exposed to this devious undercutting, you recognize it. This woman should be banned from their lives, not the other way around. I cannot stress how dangerous this woman is for the life of this new couple and their future children. Stop this pattern of insidious control and abuse with this generation. Placating a narcissist never does any good. It will keep you in torment and destroy lives. PLEASE publish what I am saying! I recommend a good counselor who specializes in abuse and controlling relationships so the couple can see their options and outcomes.
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