January 18, 2021

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emSeptember 2, 2019

I love the core idea of engaging in a spirit of love to try to understand better what was happening with her during that time. We all have our stories, but hiding them doesn't help a thing and having a safe place to share them and to learn from sharing them can, as the article states, build a sense of intimacy and trust.However, I am surprised that this article doesn't give just basic advice to ask for STD testing just in case. Anyone who has been sexually promiscuous (all the more so when drug addiction is involved in one or both partners) should be tested for STDs, and their partners should know those results to make informed decisions about safely managing their intimate relationship. Repentance can erase the sin, but it cannot magically make physiological consequences disappear. In that sense, I completely disagree with commenters who say that this is in the past and she has no obligation to talk about it.It's kind of like if he was going to ask her to be an organ donor for him. She can be the most loving, giving, caring, repentant person, but if her body is infected, he should know that before accepting fully her acts of love. They can still build a loving relationship, but you can't exercise agency without knowledge. And you can't build trust without honesty.If I were to ever have to remarry later in life, I'd absolutely be expecting a full disclosure of any sexual history and I would openly share mine. The bishop is not the mediator of the layers of trust needed in an intimate, marital relationship. He's only the mediator of worthiness for church membership. That's not insignificant, but it should never be used as the only measure for whether a person is healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.I also agree with the person above that the betrayal he feels may take some healing of its own.

LoriAugust 10, 2019

Her past is her business as is his, and not many would bring up an embarrassing past situation until they were sure they were in a secure relationship which takes time. This man is 66 years old, not a kid. I am sure he hasn't been perfect either. How sad that he wants to dwell on the negative and has made it a cross to bear. They both wanted a safe and loving partner and he is going to ruin it with his judgmental attitude. Her past had nothing to do with him.

MichaelAugust 8, 2019

The fact that your wife went to such measures to conceal this unsavory relationship demonstrates that she feels extreme remorse and is taking it very seriously. I would be more concerned if she was more open about it, which might indicate she did not take it that seriously. Just a little bump in the past of no consequence.At your age you both don't have time to wallow in this. Everything else seems good. I say embrace the future and be grateful to be with each other every day. Lift each other up. Time flies.

FrancisAugust 3, 2019

I wish someone would acknowledge the anger and betrayal he feels. I wish someone would have the ability to slip into this guy's shoes and feel the dark thoughts that will creep into his head at random times both day and night. (and for years to come) I wish someone could actually help him and not give disconnected advice that they themselves are safe and secure from this type of problem. I wish someone could acknowledge the lonely path he is on. If I could talk to him I would tell him... Take a deep breath this is going to hurt for a long time. Forgive on a daily basis. Carry this burden the best you can. Try not to lash out at her and especially yourself. Focus on the Savior and pray when those demons show up. In all reality you are the knight in shining armor who has saved a maiden in destress. Be the best Knight possible.

vickieAugust 2, 2019

I feel this man will never be comfortable unless he confronts his wife. he needs to do that with love. he needs to admit that he feels slighted that she didn't tell him up front. and it does matter whether she was caught in not telling him or she came forward with the info because she wanted him to know everything about her because she needs to feel safe and secure in his love. if these things are her reasoning then she is safe. but we don't know her reasoning for coming forward. people are different. her need could be a good one or not a good need. so I believe he does need to know more. and of course having an std would be awful. so I do not believe in secrets.

SamAugust 2, 2019

Maybe you should be grateful that this "old flame" was not smart enough to hang on to the treasure that you married. You are the prize.

MaryannAugust 2, 2019

The article does not indicate if this woman previously went to church leaders and confessed her sin. If she did, I do not see why she would be under any obligation to tell her new husband.This happened before they met, and telling him now has only brought him heartache.

Dave HallAugust 2, 2019

I would add one question to ask this man, and that is, did she share this information to you about this relationship voluntarily, or was she forced to admit it? If it was something like, "Honey, I have been bothered about this that I never told you . . ." I would think you need to have no other worries about her. To me, that shows character and true repentance. But if she was discovered and confronted about it, that's an entirely different matter, and I would worry about what else I might discover that she has concealed.

Douglas BagleyAugust 2, 2019

Excellent advice given here. If I could add 2 thoughts, they would be: 1. You married a loving person. Each of us wishes to be loved and have our love be the "right" love: lasting, faithful, trustworthy, honest, not hurtful, and sincere. Hey, she tried what she thought was the right thing in her past. Nothing wrong with trying. 2. When you courted her, you loved the person she is now. All of her prior relationships and experiences made her into the woman you love. If you could do it over again, and you knew about this particular relationship, would you marry her? or would you rather be alone. A good marriage is based on the now and planning future actions together to make her happier. Such a continuum is what makes marriages good. Read 1 Corinthians 10:13-14. FLEE IDOLATRY (substitute evil for idotatry). That includes thinking of the past which cannot be changed. But her past made her into the woman you love. Adore her for who she is. She knows her mistakes, be grateful she doesn't bring up yours. We all have them. But if you focus on the Savior's love and the atonement, shower her with all the best you can. Don't focus on the rearview mirror; focus on looking out the windshield and what's ahead for both of you. Best of luck to you.



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