What a difficult journey you're on! In addition to looking for resources to help you deal with this, another idea I had was to work on separating the children from each other. Separate activities, like individual play dates or community outings, will keep them from agitating each other so much, and help them work on their one-on-one skills with adults and other children. Being together as a family is good, but when it's only one adult doing all the parenting, having other 'parents' (actual or otherwise) for each of the children will give them a larger base to work from, and help diffuse their energy away from you.
My sister is much the same position of caring for autistic grandchildren. She has one advantage, she is a school counselor.
She found a discipline book called 123 Magic and implemented the strategies. It is amazing.
I was a special needs teacher and had, over the course of years of experience learned the same strategies. They work. I now do some lecturing internationally and teach others bits of this. My psychologist friend who invites me also agrees it works, and now the teachers I work with do also. You can google it. Used editions are cheap.
Side note, my sister also follows your advice and gets help, a lot of it.
There are support groups on Facebook. ABA is amazing with autistic children. There are several providers. Try getting DSPD services that offer respite and help with other needs.
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