January 18, 2021

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MaryannJanuary 9, 2019

I could not remain in this abusive, destructive relationship one more day. This is very harmful, not only to her, but to her children. I hope this woman will read carefully the wonderful suggestions above by Brigadoon. She definitely should see a lawyer immediately without her husband's knowledge. She also needs to be aware that verbal abuse is sometimes followed by physical abuse and she must be very careful to have others whom she trusts with her when she moves out.

BrigadoonJanuary 8, 2019

It sounds like this sister has been applying the Atonement of Christ in her life throughout many years in her marriage and understands the importance of never giving up when the going gets tough. Her husband has divorced himself emotionally from her yet continues to use her punitively for unrighteous dominion or to satisfy his own mental illnesses (I agree that you don't need an armchair diagnosis). She needs to protect herself the best that she can at this point--despite financial ruin, she can get out and get their girls out. I strongly recommend that she interview several attorneys so she can find one who will be the right fit for her needs, and that she proceed with what needs to happen. If someone forever points the finger at her that "she was the one who filed" it doesn't matter because she needs to save herself and her family. Note I keep saying needs, not wants....it's true that sometimes a split must happen, but I imagine that it would be extremely hard to be the one to begin the process legally. Filing doesn't mean you don't love someone or forgive them. And as much as ecclesiastical leaders care for their flock and can receive spiritual guidance, they're not in your marriage--only you and your spouse are in your marriage. An area authority commented vehemently on that subject a few years ago at a stake mtg I attended...regardless of what the marriage appeared like, bishops and branch presidents needed to help the wounded parties go to the Lord and go to professionals. Within the last several years, Dallin H. Oaks and others have spoken increasingly of divorce and irreparable marriages. One person can't save a marriage, but one person can certainly break a marriage--regardless of it being a Temple m. or not. I wanted to comment because I see this situation as being irreparable and if she really does care about her daughters like she claims, she'll do whatever she can to move forward temporally (I feel like she's already been doing the spiritual work). Sister, don't fear the unknown. I hope you realize that you're not being selfish: your marriage is dead and causing continued/increased harm to your children and you. Blessings to you.

ECRJanuary 5, 2019

This is alarming. Your husband is a mess and isn't making a single adult-style effort to gain righteous control over his agency (because at the moment, he's solidly under the control of evil spirits, whom he's likely invited in through his devotion to pornography). I mean, he quits his job (leaving the family in financial ruin) to keep from crushing on his co-workers? But it is you I am more concerned about. You don't seem to value yourself enough to extricate yourself from his unacceptable maltreatment of you. Is that what the Lord wants and expects of you? With kids going along for the ride? Find some friends or family to move in with and get a job. Plan to increase your education if that will help your earning power. Hold your head up high and know that many of us out here LOVE YOU and won't rest until our sister is in a better spot. Either your husband will respond by seeking to pull himself together or not, but don't take him back without him winning you back. Yes, God loves him and grieves at his condition and probably has angels dispatched to minister to him, but it is your job to cut off your husband's route to damaging you and your children any further. Shame on him -- and i mean that in a positive sense, hoping that shame (which would be entirely legitimate in this case) will motivate him to lift himself out of the grasp of the evil one. Because at the moment, he's anxiously engaged in a BAD cause. Don't let him ruin everyone else's lives.

sallyJanuary 4, 2019

so sorry to hear of your pain. i have attended s-anon and al-anon for 25 years, and both programs are an absolute godsend - water on a parched desert. especially s-anon. there are most likely meetings in your area. in them you will find the help and strength you are seeking. this is in addition to the other recommendations already made. you can find these organizations at www.sanon.org and https://al-anon.org/

Barbara BlackburnJanuary 4, 2019

I lived a life similar to this woman for years. He did not compare me to other women, but in most aspects I was not enough, good enough, or often enough. He did threaten me if I did not conform. Many years I tried living up to his expectations. Believe it or not, I was 70 years old and the light dawned. I invited him to sit down because I wanted to talk to him.I told him I had done everything in my power to do as he wished and never succeeded. I woke up to the fact I was being manipulated and I no longer would let him do that to me. I told him I no longer cared what he wanted. I am me! I will be me and if he didn't like me, he could figure out what he wanted to do.I came to realize he wanted to control me because he didn't feel equal to me. We both had good qualities and did our best. My mother had manipulated me in the same way. When I finally put my foot down and said, " I no longer cared if he liked or disliked what I do. If he disliked what I did, he could do it himself". Be my guest!At this stage of life he was very ill. He no longer knew how to manipulate me, so he had his own struggle. I left it to him, and went about being the best me I knew how.He died about a year later, but me waking up has helped me tremendously. He was such a good man. A fun husband, father, friend, and special to many lost kids. It was his quirk to deal with concerning me. He now has time to figure it out, and I am sure he will choose correctly.

Sue F.January 4, 2019

I would also recommend this dear sister find a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Women's only Spouse and Family Support Group to attend. The weekly meetings will help her keep focused on her goals and her self-worth and teach her the tools needed to protect herself by accessing the Atonement of Jesus Christ. She'll be surrounded by loving sisters to support her in her journey to hope and healing in a confidential setting.

MJSJanuary 4, 2019

Find a spousal support group of the Church's Addiction Recovery Program. My husband is working through some serious issues in his life, and we both attend ARP meetings;they are helping us hold our lives together. Your husband isn't going to go, but that doesn't mean that it won't help you to go, and gain both some personal support and some perspective. His behaviour is not about you, it is only about him. Tell yourself that, over and over, until you are able to believe it. No one can bring the atonement of Christ into his heart unless he wants it, and no one can take its promises away from you. Christ can heal all things, including your pain. A wise friend of mine, who had been through a divorce before she found the gospel, told me that when you reach the point that no choice you can make will change the situation, then you put yourself into a holding period of faith and God will tell you when or if, at the right time, you are released from this marriage. I suspect that's where you will end up. I have spent long years working through our circumstances, but my husband has a deeply felt testimony and a commitment to continue, and he cares about me deeply and shows it every day. His difficulties are severe but they have their roots in his own pain, and answers are coming, building line upon line through the healing power of Christ. That's the only answer there is. If your husband rejects that, then know that you are a precious daughter of God and you need to take care of yourself. God's voice is the only one you need to listen to, and He loves you very much.

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