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August 19, 2022

Comments | Return to Story

CarlieJanuary 15, 2019

Do we have any actual doctrine from our prophets about dealing with this kind of mental illness? I ask because my husband has it. He has had multiple sexual encounters with strangers, threatened me and very successfully manipulated the bishop and other ward members into feeling our problems are my fault. I am lost and cannot get an answer from God?

DaughterJanuary 5, 2019

My therapist says that BPD is NOT treatable with any big degree of success. My mother has been in therapy several times a week for over 35 years & she’s not getting any better. I’d not even consider letting her back in, if you don’t care about yourself being treated badly consider your kids that had no choice. I believe despite their mental illness that they know darn good & well what they are doing to emotionally abuse the ones they are supposed to love. It’s an excuse in my humble opinion of being raised by a mother that has battled with this my entire life & beyond. For myself I’m done being abused.

GrandpaDecember 26, 2018

To PBA: Thank you your kind words and wishing you all the best. To btdt with family: My wife is an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker; a therapist), and she tells me that dialectical behavior therapy was deemed a good therapy for BPD for about 20 years but is falling out of favor as it has not been as effective as they hoped. She says that another treatment, Trauma Conversion Therapy (TCT), is an excellent alternative. We both know a therapist who has used it with astounding success in treating BPD. The website for the therapist who pioneered this treatment is at [ ].

PBADecember 26, 2018

most kindly replying to Grandpa, your original reply i thought was very keen, actually. your totally correct in that there is help available, and the abuser, mentally ill or not, needs to work in themselves, and it is going to be the hardest thing anyone can ever do. your latest comment sounds like my childhood, sir.

KrissyDecember 25, 2018

Grandpa - you have shared wisdom that only comes by experience. Many years ago, while prayerfully contemplating how to continue a relationship with a family member with a likely personality disorder (diagnosis seldom happens, as "nothing is wrong with them - you're the one who is crazy") - Alma 61:13 leapt off the page. 13 But behold he doth not command us that we shall subject ourselves to our enemies, but that we should put our trust in him, and he will deliver us. even though she was a very influential family member who was in a position of power in my young life, this answer to a prayer - and other things, let me clearly know "she was my enemy". He also guided me in what I could do to protect myself - and my own children.

btdt with familyDecember 25, 2018

I wish the option of dialectical behavior therapy was mentioned. It was developed specifically to help those with BPD. Those with BPD should ONLY see someone who is trained to offer that therapy. (they are more likely to see through their mind games.) And that doesn't even begin to discuss if the relationship should continue, and with what boundaries. But the Spirit WILL guide you.

GrandpaDecember 24, 2018

I would like to kindly reply to "PBA": When you have spent 30 years fearing to come home because you don't know if you're going to get beat up by an angry spouse or just receive a three-hour tongue lashing . . . when you have children begging to live with relatives because they fear their mother bad enough to run away . . . when you realize the only way to protect your children's mental, social, spiritual, and physical health is to get them out of the house and give them to relatives . . . when you begin to think suicide's the only way you're going to get any peace in your marriage . . . only then can you tell some of us that we were wrong to "dismiss" our marriage as easily as you assume we are dismissing it. BPD kills families and it kills family members. Sometimes you have to make that choice. God bless those who can hang on.

PBADecember 23, 2018

the added comments in these articles always baffle me with the hard hearted tone. what is charity anyways? the scripture quoted was profound, from the very source of light and love. BPD, or any mental illness for that matter, that plagues individuals comes with its inherent inability to ever feel at peace. marriage is sacred, words can hurt and in fact do but so sweetly addressed, that is the real enemy. through thick and thin in sickness or health. why turn your back on someone you’re married to, you shut her down now, she has a bright future of suicide that awaits her, since that’s the complication in her illness. so where’s the cunning and the dove here? don’t begin again without her getting appropriate help, and if she’s willing to make the difficult changes, why give up on a spouse? she doesn’t have the same capacity others do, but she’s just as important.

ChuckDecember 21, 2018

Your relationship with your former wife ended over 30 years---three decades---ago. Each of you has had a life separate from each other, and for her, from her children---her choice. Mental illness is not the fault of anyone---it just is. Forgiving someone does not mean to become best buds with that person. Forgiveness is for us, for us to change for the better, not for the person who has wronged us. She hasn't changed---she is mentally ill, which controls her life. Your life--and that of your your kids/grandkids---would become a living hell if you do this. Don't hurt yourself and them.

Maryann TaylorDecember 21, 2018

Sister Aileen H. Clyde, former 2nd counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, made this interesting comment: "It is not charity or kindness to endure any type of abuse or unrighteousness that may be inflicted on us by others" (Nov, 1991 Ensign). The counsel in the above Meridian article is so wise. The mentally ill woman who wants to return to her family MUST meet the conditions set down by her husband in order to maintain peace in the home. Sad situation, but I hope he will be clear and assertive in order to protect his family.

HalDecember 21, 2018

I went through a similar situation some years ago. My first wife and I had been married for over 20 years. Most days were just as this brother described - tension in our home was thick enough to cut with a knife. Counseling with ecclesiastical leaders and professional therapists were of no avail. Considering divorce from a woman that I truly loved was as repugnant to me as it was for Nephi being told to slay Laban. It was a painful, soul-wrenching process. However, following our divorce I subsequently met and married a wonderful woman who treated me, my children, my grandchildren, and my extended family with tremendous love and respect. I never knew a man could be treated so well!.

GTODecember 21, 2018

Such good advice, as usual, but my blood runs cold as I read this. My mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the emotional wreckage in our family because of it was profound. My mother divorced my father because (although he was kind and amazing) "everything" was his fault. She remarried and found her second husband also to be severely lacking, because her mental illness would not allow any man to succeed. Then she began dreaming about restoring her relationship with my father. Boy, did he NOT respond. To save ourselves from complete chaos, we had to keep my mother at arm's distance as we could and still be kind.

DaveDecember 21, 2018

There is only one response to BPD . . . don't walk but run away from them.

WonderingDecember 21, 2018

Would you counsel your own son to consider readmitting such a woman into his home?

GrandpaDecember 21, 2018

Excellent reply. I would only add, from personal experience: do not let her even THINK of returning to your home without agreeing to and beginning therapy. I would go as far to say - don't let her back until you have seen positive effects from the therapy. You've had a "vacation" from her mental issues, and her coming home without any change and having to face all of that all over again is going to emotionally and mentally "kill" you. I would really, really recommend therapy before you allow her back. But, continue to do what the Spirit approves.



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