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September 17, 2021

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anonAugust 20, 2018

Yes, run like the wind. He wants you to be his live-in mistress, not his wife.

Been there done thatAugust 20, 2018

Run Jane, run. Run fast. Run very fast. I smell a rat. My ex will tell a potential new victim (opps, I mean wife) that he is divorced after many years of marriage and that I, the exwife am crazy, and even that if I am upset in any way I will kill myself and our children. He will manipulate this victim into staying far away from any one who may know the truth about him, or at least make sure he tells enough lies about everyone else that she doesn't trust them and will only believe what HE says. If she were to talk to any member of the family, they would set her straight, and also let her know that she is not the first victim. He has left a whole line of heartbroken wives, fiances, and girlfriends in his wake. Don't do it. Don't even consider it. Just run. Run as far as you can and as fast as you can and don't look back. It would be nice to think that all men who are active in the Church are honorable. Unfortunately, they are not. Do not be a victim. Just run.

KaylaAugust 20, 2018

Dump him. I am a second wife. the first wife was upset when she found out I was in the picture. She has continued to try and make everyone's life miserable but has only managed to cause her own children to not have connect with her. I love my bonus children and their children. they call me grandma. The X wife wanted to be called Nana. The blending of two families was (is) hard but we have holidays together and some apart but we have all grown. I have even hosted the X for Thanksgiving for a few years before her children disinvited her because of her attitude towards my husband and her overall negative attitude. Dump him. He is hiding something. I would be too curious about him and his "other" family. I would be the investigator and find out the real story. Before I married my husband I ran a background check on him. It was a second marriage and I was not going to get caught with a dud AGAIN. I even interview his bishop and his best friend.

E.M.August 17, 2018

I'd make sure he's actually divorced and that you are not his only fiancee! Not good when someone compartmentalizes their life like that. He may not even have an ex-wife.it happens.

DeeAugust 17, 2018

I remarried with grown children and my new husband had grown children. I can't imagine not having each of our children know we had married again. There would be so many awkward times and situations of explaining or figuring visits or times together, it would be nearly impossible to keep up the farce. Would none of the kids/grandkids be able to drop in for a visit? Your final years are meant to be shared, adored, loved fully, and appreciated. Not just with a continuation of "first" family times, but as a loving devoted committed couple who enjoy living life and doing things with your cherished partner, including with each others families! Yes, it takes time, but otherwise, what's the purpose of getting married to someone else who doesn't want that complete open, honest relationship. I imagine the love you're feeling is still new and a little exciting to experience those feelings again. But if you go into it asking in prayer if it's right, and then follow the advice of the Spirit, you'll be able to do what's best for you both. I suspect the answer will be hard, but a happy marriage with a man who didn't want to be involved with that very big part of who you are would be nearly impossible.

PamAugust 17, 2018

Run away from this guy and his family as fast as you can.

Tom ShieldsAugust 17, 2018

Run, don't walk to the nearest "I don't"! The attitude of those two ex-spouses is so monumentally immature, I suspect that divorce was waaay overdue. You deserve better.

ChuckAugust 17, 2018

I agree with Vickie---who is not being negative, but is being realistic. This would not be an open, loving marriage, but would be imprisonment. This lady does not deserve or need this kind of shadowy life. Family is vital. There are lots of people out there who would welcome a good marriage, As hard as it might be, get away from this guy---you would never be first with him.

K FredlundAugust 17, 2018

This scenario makes me wonder what else he may be hiding or doesn't want you to find out about. What he is asking is unrealistic and un normal IMO. You sound as if you are considering it. It would be a huge mistake to start a marriage under this type of secretiveness. Its deceitful number one and hurtful to all involved #2. Goes against all our beliefs in the church as to dealing honestly with our fellow man. Hes asking too much.

LupineAugust 17, 2018

The would-be second wife needs to run as fast as she can in the opposite direction. This pending "marriage" that is supposed to be sacred and respected is a disastrous heartache waiting to happen. Why is he such a coward, unable to stand up to his first wife and the kids?! Why is he ashamed of his would-be second wife? As the second wife of a divorced man with three kids (now grown), I was never hidden away but always played second fiddle to his kids and my in-laws. Never were my needs considered. I will not repeat my mistake if and when I remarry now that my husband is deceased. I cannot imagine how many times this fiancee is going to get slammed in the gut, even before his family and hers find out about the so-called marriage.

God blessAugust 17, 2018

Good sister you already know the answer to your question and if you step back, and put yourself in our shoes, and read what you wrote Mr. Steurer you would know that your red flags are WARNING signs that if unheeded will spell disaster down the road. "If you love something set it free..." if it comes back to you as a more mature man, willing to stand in the LIGHT of day and confess his love to you and share it publicly and know your children and learn to love them too" then move forward. If he can't do that much then you will have a quick second marriage as I'm pretty sure you're not going to enjoy being a liar to your children, hiding in secret like it's a sin to be married, exposing all our financials to a stranger and watching netflix re-runs every time there's a family birthday party he has to attend you're not invited to. I'm pretty sure if you were me right now, writing this after reading what you just wrote, you would shake your head too and tell the lovely woman who wrote her sad dilemma to pray for help to step back for a time and distance yourself from this man. You wouldn't be the first to do so and you may well find by doing so you will meet a much more healthy and loving person in your future. The thing that bothers me most is his not wanting to know your family. That's someone who still doesn't understand what love is. He has a lot of "stuff" he still needs to figure out before he's in a healthy place to commit to a marriage. God bless as I know with the Lord's help, you will make the best and wisest choice. He will see you both through the heartache.

JAAugust 17, 2018

I am a "second" wife. My husband's first wife died. If he wanted to place me in a closet and not have anything to do with my family or visa-versa it would be deeply hurtful. I think this man has unrealistic expectations of a married relationship. If I were you, I would NOT marry him. He is NOT ready to commit to a healthy marriage relationship. Yes, blending families is some times near impossible. My husband has had such a positive influence on my children and grandchildren. I cannot think of a worse situation that being a kept woman with no freedom to include him in my families' lives. If your fiance wants a traveling companion or someone to take to dinner, then I would go and have fun. But, marrying this man. NO!! I cannot express my feelings more clearly.

ViolaAugust 17, 2018

Amen to everything Geoff said. Those red flags are from a very loving Father in Heaven who values you too much to let you do this to yourself. Take the chance he is offering you to get out of the relationship. I know that’s asking a lot, and it will hurt, but someday you will thank yourself for taking good care of yourself. Imagine that you have a daughter in this situation. That may help you distance yourself from the intense feelings you have for him. What would you tell her to do? Love yourself enough to do that for yourself. There are other good, loving men out there who would love to make someone like you a full-fledged part of his family. This man is not ready to give himself to you whole-heartedly. Marriage is tough enough when both people are being completely open and honest. This man is not ready for that yet. There are much worse things than being inattached. I’ve seen a lot of them and helped friends deal with them. My grandmother remarried at age 70, to a man that’ seemed to be all that she wanted. He liked dancing, travel, playing games, etc. As soon as they were married, he sat down in her living room and expected her to wait on him hand and foot. It took hiring a lawyer to get him out. Thankfully, his kids were good people who helped. Had she met them, she would have known some things she didn’t know at the time they married. This analogy isn’t good enough, but marrying this man without meeting his family would be worse than buying a car you’ve never researched or driven. Take care of yourself. Enjoy your family, stay close to the Lord, and he will lead you where you need to be for your best happiness. Don’t ignore the messages he is sending you. I’m praying for you to be brave and strong and to care for yourself. Love and blessings to you as you make your way through this!

mjsAugust 17, 2018

There's a big difference between choosing to spend your own holidays as a couple because the prior-marriage families' dynamics are still stressful, a situation that you hope will smooth out with time and familiarity, and not even getting to meet and have occasional time with those family members. The ex-wife may be hurtful, but the children are grown and deserve a chance to make their own choices; and the new partners have an obligation to stand up for each other, and establish their new marriage in a forthright and healthy way. They are not obliged to make everything "all better" for everyone else, and it's not possible anyway. Do what's right, firmly and kindly, and any bad reactions are not your fault. Look down the road and see what the outcomes might be...wise counsel here as to what you might not be seeing yet.

BruceAugust 17, 2018

It's fairly obvious that, should this marriage actually occur, it will be organized and run by the ex-wife. One of the reasons for divorce is so you can finally stop obeying the ex-spouse, but for whatever reason he's still obeying her, and he's in-effect warned the writer of this letter that he will continue to obey the ex-wife. Get ready for a rough, rough, second-class life that you do NOT deserve.

kotrebAugust 17, 2018

Having seen my mother go through great difficulty trying to become involved in her new husband's family, and having them reject and resent her, I think this man's plan is actually quite good, although it seems rather extreme. This wife might be exaggerating the situation somewhat. Why not have each spend holidays with their own families?

ShareeAugust 17, 2018

This woman should show her fiance this article (including the comments) and, if he still wants to hold to his "secret marriage" idea, she should drop him like a hot potato. A hidden wife is not really a wife at all--more like a mistress a man doesn't want anyone to know about.

KayAugust 17, 2018

How can you be in a marriage where you are hidden and don't feel of worth - treated like a mistress? I smell a skunk - he is definitely hiding something. How does she even know that he really is divorced and not just separated? What would his family reveal to her? My kids would warn a new wife that my ex is a sex-addict. How does she even know his family is what he says it is? I woke up after over 40 years of marriage to find out my husband had a secret life. Going into a marriage like this is a guarantee of heartache as the truth comes out.

MICHAEL EDWARDSAugust 17, 2018

If this woman marries this man she is out of her mind and it will be the biggest mistake that she EVER makes.

Julie PondAugust 17, 2018

Two questions I would have. 1st Families to me are like a chain link fence, they don’t just go in a straight line from birth to eternity. But they are linked together just the same. 2nd is his divorce recorded at the county office and truly final?

CAAugust 17, 2018

I think this union would spell disaster and heart-ache from the first "I do." Trust is such an important element in a successful marriage. You will never fully have that as you live your secret existence! I would never accept such an unequal challenge. Your own self-esteem and love life will be badly damaged every single day with this man! He's being very selfish.

Craigs ListAugust 17, 2018

This man's former wife is still steamed about getting dumped (although it's not hard to imagine why she was). She's insecure and vindictive, and in fairness, it completely goes against the natural order to have "an interloper" insinuating herself into family relationships. The boyfriend's solution is to avoid that contact. It's not clear what this woman "deeply loves" about this man, particularly while she feels marginalized by his strategy. However, assuming she does wantto spend the remainder of her life with him, she should accept these terms and spend holidays with her own kids and grandchildren. Blending families after divorce is often a stressful mess. Given that her children are grown and on their own, it's a totally avoidable mess. So avoid it. If these two marry, they can enjoy their own private holidays "off-season," and minimize the disruption to their respective families. I'm guessing that their ages leave them somewhere around 20 years of life left. Live it, and stop worrying about this.

vickie cloudAugust 17, 2018

this makes me ask...does the ex wife have a new husband yet....if she is remarried then what is happening in that case. maybe when she remarries if she isn't married yet...she might change her tune. however, we really don't know the complete truth it seems. who is hiding who form what and what for. I would say break off this relationship. its already on shaky ground and its not even started yet. sorry to be so negative but something is amiss.

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