I think some of this is a cultural thing too. In the UK something classed as a 'date' means you are actually interested in getting serious with a person. Generally we would not think of asking someone on a date just to get to know them. A 'date' in the UK is AFTER you have gotten to know them in a social setting etc and is then considered the next step. And if a guy asks you out, it means you are someone he fancies and certainly if it's a second date then you may be considered a couple.
This has always been confusing for us in the UK when yw/ym lessons talk about 'dating' in groups etc. We would not consider that a 'date'. That is just simply hanging out or socialising. A 'date' to us is the serious step taken when two people actually feel something for each other and want to get more serious.
I do think that there is too much overthinking about it all though. Trying to look too far ahead and preempt every problem and challenge that may occur instead of just leaping forward with faith. Life is an adventure and NEVER pans out how you thought it would. That's the thing that makes it so interesting and often better than you ever imagined.
I am in my late thirties and have asked out many guys who have all said no. I truly believe the, as I call it, "someone better around the corner" syndrome is the problem with both genders. If someone would look past a flaw, I think there would be more marriages.
Good article! Two thoughts: 1) Dating should be to develop socially, learn about others, develop empathy, communication, and problem solving skills, and -- lastly -- about BEING the right person. If you've done that, you'll "find" the right person. 2) Checklists are OK only if prioritized and weighted -- and then only if the person making the list has all of the attributes listed themselves.
As a BYU student in the thick of this it all just seems like a bunch of emotional, self-conscious griping to me. It gets old after a while honestly. If everyone would just chill out and enjoy the ride none of this would be an issue. Do you know what I’m saying?
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I've been doing what was suggested in this article for years. When I first started going to the young single adult ward I would date the women to get to know them and the women would date me to see if I fit there checklist I basically dated all the women in my ysa ward. I still continued to date up to age 35 still the women used the checklist thing and now that I'm in my 40's I've just given up on dating anyone because I know if I start dating again I'm just going to get a woman with their checklist. On a side note, you don't need to spend money on dates. One of many dates I went on is I took someone stargazing others I took on walks or even a game night so you don't need to spend money to date.
You think it's bad for young single adults? Try being in your 40's and never having been married. Nearly everyone has lost all hope for you (including your own parents/relatives), let alone your own self-doubt that creeps with each passing year. The pendulum swings to the other side.
My unmarried daughter was not getting asked out. She had a list of what she wanted to marry and remained true to it. So the problem of not being asked out??? I told her, If they're not asking you are going to have to. :) "At the next FHE, find a fellow you'd like to get to know and go up to him toward the end of the activity and say, 'I'd love to go get some Ice Cream, would you like to get some with me?'" It worked She was thrilled. So there was a great play at the Opera House and she wanted to go. I said, "Buy the tickets, ask that young man who sang in church if he'd like to go see it with you. Tell him you already have the tickets." He went ! And she was on a role. She learned what she liked in a guy and what she didn't and 2 years later - her wedding is in June in Cedar City, Ut Temple. She's been waiting 15 years to get married, She's 35 - Girls - if they are not asking, you can ask them.
First, I don’t think we should be referring to age 18+ males as “boys”. They are young men or just men.Secondly, an unmarried 30-year-old professional male I know has explained how discouraging it is to go on a first date and to realize that your date has already summed you up by studying your social media posts, rather than try and get to know you while on the date; a problem we who dated in the 70’s did not experience.Third, this article is exactly right on about the amount of angst being experienced by both men and women in young single adult wards. They are in such a state of anxiety that they feel uncomfortable about making other big life decisions, and therefore DON’T progress/move forward, until they’ve found their one and only.Last point: I know two single men, both in their 50’s, who have been unwilling to make a commitment to women who have been very willing to marry THEM. Both of these men have expressed their fear that “somebody better might come along”; in other words, they’re waiting for a Barbie-type to appear (while neither of them are Ken-types). So sad, but so true.
I sent your article to my granddaughter, a student at BYU. She confirmed that this is so true and so alarming that she doesn't want to date. There's too much pressure to name her eternal companion after a month of dating one person. What steps can be taken to change this cultural mindset? Maureen's guidelines can kindle some great positive conversations within the student body, but how to get started?
Look I have the same issues and I'm well beyond my 20s and 30s. If there are checklist on the men's side it's because they're doing something they shouldn't be doing in general and yeah the P word is a plague and it's a huge problem even with the older group. I like to think I trust Heavenly father, it's been years. And I believe the men need more help than the women because men are supposed to ask the woman on dates. The burden of the responsibility lies on their shoulders not the women. I am off to a singles conference just this morning for my spiritual enlightenment. Here in upstate New York there are about four men that will show up…
Older singles face the same problem. If you are seen with another single you are a couple. If destroys more relationships than it creates.
Aside from "Church Standards", (looking at it from a man's point of view) - I believe a huge factor of why more guys don't date more often (or at all)
is the cost of dating. To go to a movie or any other form of entertainment is unreal. Many young men high school or college age simply can't afford it (even though I'm sure they would love to).
I have a few comments on this, from an older guys point of view. Relax, collage should be a time to concentrate on study, keeping or getting scholarships so you will not start life in debt. I enjoyed group activities not so much one on one dating. Later there will be time to date and mate hunt. Enjoy collage for what it is, It should not be a "meat market"! Plenty of good LDS make it out of collage without their eternal mate. Even in areas were they are rare you can find the one GOD has prepared. GOD might need your help to bring them unto Christ. Become the one and the one will be lead to you, be ready!
I did try to mention that both boys and girls are facing similar issues. I just started with the women's comments because I had just heard them in the class. Both suffer from the points I mentioned.
I feel this article is biased... It's not just the young women who face these problems outlined in the article but the young men as well. I have 2 sons who refuse to date within the church because THEY FEEL THEY DO NOT MEET THE STANDARDS OF THE YOUNG WOMEN !! One young woman that my eldest son was dating, went so far as to tell my son to "look me up when you're through with college & have a great job". The young woman they do date are wonderful girls, supportive of our faith, & have attended sacrament meetings from time to time as well as the young single adult activities in our stake. I'll take these 2 wonderful girls ANY day over the young women of our stake!!
This is a great article. I wish I had done things differently when I was dating. Looking back I can see so many things that took the fun out of this period of time for me. It would be so much fun to go back in time and have a talk to the person that I was and just say RELAX, don’t worry so much and just get your priorities in line.
I moved to Perth Amboy NJ. I met a single woman at church. I asked her out. She accepted. On our first date, she told me "Jesus Christ is my husband". I told her that I would not be asking her out anymore, because I do not date married women. She also asked me "Are you chaste?". I replied that was too personal a question to ask a man on the first date.
i clearly remember in my years of Mutual being assigned to make a check list every single year, of the qualities I wanted in a husband. We were advised not to date anyone who did not meet those qualities. Living in the mission field, there were few LDS young men and even fewer who was able to take me to the temple which were the top qualities on my list. Since being an active member who could go to the temple eliminated almost every male within my state, I married someone who cold take me to the Temple. Unfortunately, my list should have either been non-existent or much more thorough.
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