After a very trying circumstance myself, let me share a quick example. *I can give personal insight into a VERY happily married couple I know. After more than 60 + years of being in love, raising children, joining the Church and more this couple epitomizes real happiness to almost all who know them. Often I think I wish I'd become like them they are SO happy together... One day while at their home the husband says "Oh she just drives me crazy some days. I can barely take her! I laughed and said "oh yeah? we never noticed. Does she know that?" He tells me "of course, some days she can barely stand me either!" and we both laugh. Then I ask his wife, this dear gal in her 80's if she knows this. "Oh sure" she tells me. "This is what real marriage is all about. Being able to tolerate each other and their silly habits, pet peeves and annoyances you absolutely hate but still love them without that being present in your mind." I think about that and later say to another 30+ year married friend who complained to me that I see it now. More like wanting to kill them (not literally) some days for all their short comings and your own unmet needs BUT yet the idea of a long prison sentence isn't too appealing?! Honestly if you don't have times when your partner exasperates you, frustrates you to the max and you have doubts about them - what world are you living in? The happiest, longest married couples we know still have habits or faults that make their partners go beserk. They just manage their own reactions in a more kind and Christ like way. As President Kimball said "all marriage problems or divorces are the results of selfishness of one or both partners." ~ We all need to learn how to cope better and realize that Satan is doing all he can to destroy marriages since they are the foundation of what families are built upon. Strong families are the basis of society as well; so there you have it. We made a choice when we married as the therapist says - what we do with that choice is up to us. We can plant flowers in a garden or create a mine field of destruction. No matter how long we're married we can do more to make our lives happy. Hard work? sure. Worth it? Yes!!! Your children and grand children will thank you.....
Dear sister who is struggling. I’m married a long time too and can relate to my hubby not having deep feelings. At times we’ve been distant and other times close. It’s totalky natural and normal for complete opposites to attract. I learned a long time ago to stop trying to have deep conversations with my man. That’s what girlfriends are for. My man loves the child like shallow depth of the gospel and is happiest serving in primary. I decided when I married him that I was not marrying him for his weaknesses but his strengths. Yet his weaknesses, coupled with my own negative attitudes, caused issues for us. Then one night I was reading Alma chapter 32 and when I read the words of planting a “good seed” the spirit said to me directly my husband was a “good seed” and I began to see the error of my ways. I encourage you to read Alma 32 with the perspective of your husband being a “good seed” because he is. Much love as you begin to see your marriage and your man anew. Also, it’s time to forgive yourself and your husband for your very natural slip up before marriage and remember no one really is in love when they get married, they are in deep like with each other. Love is what develops over time and trials. Co sides reading Byron Katie’s book “Loving What is” it will help you too. God bless your love.
Why on earth would he be able to communicate with a woman who blames him for all their problems? HE doesnt communicate He doesnt have deep feelings She unleashes all HER deepest feelings. Really? how about SHE doesnt listen to him. how about SHE is the focus of everything? She blames him for their premarital intimacy. Sorry but she could have said no. A lot of guys would have dumped her. Hes been there for 30 years. what the heck more does she want? He stuck by her, took her to the temple, had kids. Its all surface??? Hes her husband not her pshrink. get over yourself ,woman. maybe she isnt deep enough for him but hes a good guy to stick around.
"Very possibly he does not HAVE deep feelings in the sense she means. A lot of men don't. Get over it! Try to notice the good things he does, and stop punishing him for not thinking and feeling like a woman." What a load of horseradish. There must be a deeper communication in a marriage. We must expect it, and build it. Superficial communication is not spiritually filling. Are we supposed to always guess what out companion is thinking and feeling? Its a very lonely marriage when feelings and deep spiritual connection are missing. We don't expect our husbands "to think and feel like a woman", but to be more Christ like in understanding and communicating.
I believe that too often the advice is simply to shut up and get along. Get over it! as Bill Wrigley says. Are we just crossing the "T's" and dotting the "I's" when we perform temple sealings or are we publicly validating real marriages? I fear that many will be very surprised in the next life when their spouses state they may have stayed in mortality, but for eternity they want the real deal. I have a couple of friends who have stated that very thing, even telling family members to please not seal them to their spouse after they die.
I believe the answer has totally missed the underlying problem. She still feels like she never got to choose her husband. She cannot feel emotionally close to him because she still feels that his selfishness before marriage has trapped her into a choice she did not want. He never courted her and through his consideration won her heart. This issue needs to be addressed or all the temple sealing ceremonies will never create an eternal union, just the public pretense of one. Unfortunately, I feel too often in the Church that is all we want. Impress the non-members so they will want to join.
The woman's question mentions that her husband does not share his inner feelings. Their communication is 'surface only.' Very possibly he does not HAVE deep feelings in the sense she means. A lot of men don't. Get over it! Try to notice the good things he does, and stop punishing him for not thinking and feeling like a woman.
This mature woman needs new insight to a happy relationship. I recommend THE CARE & FEEDING OF HUSBANDS and THE CARE & FEEDING OF MARRIAGE. Both are written by Dr. Laura. They take the focus off our self. Excellent suggestions are provided.
Seems this is a "surface communication" problem that will take the two of them to resolve.
This is an amazing article and I will save it for future reference. I think the last quote about the Minnesota winter was priceless!! I think many people have asked the same question and had the same thoughts. Thank you for your wise perspective!
I loved this article with the quotes you brought together. It gives me more hope and incentive to repent and keep working hard on our marriage. Thank you very much.
That was a superb article!!
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