Prime example of what is wrong with our community. Marriage and kids before being ready for either. He doesn't have the skills, the education, the employment, or the experience to make a marriage work, but people will just throw in the "have faith" and we'll continue to see young people getting married years before they should even be considering it.
Nineteen is so young to be married. At 23, shouldn't one be able to provide some kind of home? The 'new' wore off quickly! I agree with Bruce that it's usually both partners that add to the problems. Jeffry Holland gave a great talk "The Tongue of Angels" that addresses mistakes women often make in marriage. I agree with Ryan also that sacrifice and adjustment needs to take place in privacy. I like your advice, Ryan, 'build a life in a home and invite her to join you", but we don't "need to know more" nor does anyone. Married people need to keep their conflicts between each other unless its abuse. Loyalty and faithfulness help love grow.
I also thought it wasn't particularly helpful to quote Pres. Hinckley saying the majority of times problems in marriage are the fault of the male. Respectfully, Caroline, I assume Brother Stuerer welcomes the unique experiences of others, and their gospel perspectives as well. We all learn from each other. I hope the feeling of privilege extends in both directions.
Bruce, please know that this very good advice was not written to YOU—it was for the man who asked the question and the rest of us are onlookers, and privileged to be able to learn from Brother Stuerer’s research and experience and his gospel perspective.
Living with parents as a newly married couple isn’t going to help this situation and may be part of the problem. A 19 year old wife probably hasn’t had much experience being on her own and the parent/ child relationship is most likely still in force. This couple needs to find a place of their own where they can work out their problems together and learn to rely on each other. Counseling might help them learn to communicate in a positive way so their marriage can flourish.
There are few things that crush a new marriage like living under the influence of parents. You both need to get out on your own to learn how to solve your own problems in your own way. The world would have you believe that nice surroundings make a happy home, which is likely why you are living with her parents, but there is wisdom in living in a situation where much sacrifice is required by both partners. Major growth happens when you are forced to rely on each other’s talents to make meager living work. Through common sacrifice you grow to love and trust each other in ways not possible in any other circumstances. Instead of asking to come back, go get your own place where you can truly experience life together. Work harder if you must. Adjust expectations of what you need to survive. Create the foundation of your own life together and then invite her to join you in her own home, free from parental supervision. As the scripture states, you must leave your mother and father and cleave unto your wife, and she the same. Another adage is that in order to truly live, you must kill your parents, meaning you must separate their influence from your life and make your own decisions. Go get your own place, as shabby as it may need to be, sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed, and start your life together
While I think most of the advise given in this answer was good, I find it startling that so little information was given for the reader to truly benefit from this. How long has the couple been married? What is the wife's complaints? Are there children involved? While I agree the husband needs to check himself out and honestly evaluate whether or not he could "the problem," I also believe that the husband and the wife BOTH should always do this. I did not find it beneficial for this man to be told that a prophet of God has stated that the majority of fault in marriage belongs to the man. To me, this was as disturbing as listening to my father my whole life, who, even when he was a bishop, always taught us: "If there's a problem in the house, it is always the man who is at fault." My brothers and I have all struggled with this, and most of our wives have dangled it over our heads whenever there have been marriage problems. I believe that too many of us automatically point a finger at the man and say "What did you do to make her mad?" This answer to this man's letter feels to me like he is being told to "take the blame". We the readers honestly needed to know more before this was published.
Email (will not be published)
Daily news, articles, videos and podcasts sent straight to your inbox.
This stunning Bicentennial Calendar celebrates The First Vision with gorgeous photographs each month and with quotes from Joseph Smith that will fill your heart with wonder.