Fantastic article - question and answer. As some of the comments have reflected, this issue is common and affects a lot of us. Thank you to all, including comments, who have contributed to this article being published. I find it very valuable.
RonnieNovember 9, 2017
It is sad but true that many housebound members are neglected by leaders, visiting teachers, and home teachers so their spiritual and emotional needs are not addressed and they languish in despair.
As an octagenarian recently diagnosed with dementia and also suffering from several disabling physical conditions that do not permit me to attend Church regularly, I also sense the same abandonment as does the sister in the story.
The Church is true and the Gospel provides for visiting the sick and infirm as taught by the Saviour in Matthew 25:31-46, which is an excellent checklist for us Saints that have set our faces towards Zion and the Celestial Kingdom.
Sometimes, just a pop-in visit will bring enough joy to last a week. We are to bless everyone and need not wait to be commanded in all things but be anxiously engaged in good causes.
As Tiny Tim said, "God bless us, everyone!"
John Nicholson.November 9, 2017
I believe the Lord will understand if you don't go to Sacrament Meeting. If you are incapacitated, you are entitled to have the Sacrament come to you. Every ward has a portable Sacrament kit for just such a purpose: I,myself, have made frequently. I think a judicious phone call to your home teacher is in order, since he can make the arrangements for the Aaronic Priesthood to bring you the sacrament, but you have to ask. Heavenly Father, and his Son Jesus Christ understand your situation. After all, the Saviour died for you.
CarolineNovember 7, 2017
As always Brother Steurer's response was excellent. The quotes and advice he gave are keepers. If we don't use these experiences to develop a personal and meaningful relationship with our Savior and His Father, and understand that they will never never never let us down then no amount of visits from others will ever help. I was in the emergency room yesterday with my elderly mother who is blessed to have a large family to care for her, and had the blessed opportunity to visit with a man who is in his eighties and is the sole caregiver of his wife who has Alzeimers. He had the countenance of an angel and asked that we pray together, and we were able to discuss deeply spiritual things together because he is a good Christian who lets the Savior guide him. Then just moments ago I visited with my mother's neighbor who is also a caregiver to her husband with Alzeimers, and a devout Catholic whose only real help comes from God.
On the other hand shame on us when we don't reach out more---we are all called to bear each other's burdens even when they might be difficult and "high maintenance and low yield" as Elder Maxwell once said. "Inasmuch as ye have done it....."---the fruits of our own feeble efforts of mercy and compassion are very rewarding.
Years ago I observed that my Junior Sunday School children would often answer a question with "Jesus!" and I learned that He really is the answer to everything.
ViolaNovember 5, 2017
My heart goes out to all those in this situation, those who commented as well as the woman who originally wrote. No one but God truly knows your situation, but He does. There are so many who suffer quietly, and often they don't get the help they deserve, whether because others are negligent, or because they are suffering themselves from hidden problems. I don't have an answer except to assure you that the Savior knows you, He knows your pain and sorrow, because He has felt them himself. He is the only one who can give you comfort and relief. No matter what, don't let anyone else keep you from participating in church when you are able. If your movement or noises are distracting, sit at the back or in the mother's lounge. Never let someone else keep you from the spiritual nourishment you need. If you must stay home, find a way to let your husband get you the sacrament, and have your husband Skype the meetings to you. I won't tell you to do anything for anyone else, because i know what it's like to barely be able to keep my own head or even just my mouth above water. There are times when we must gain strength before trying to serve others. And there have been times when others have blithely told me to forget myself and serve. It was almost the last nail in my coffin. It caused nothing but despair. But I decided not to let others get between me and Heavenly Father.
While others should be reaching out to you, you can never depend on that. But you deserve to make sure you get what you need. Don't let hurt feelings keep you from going to church when you can. No one else is important enough to keep you from the spiritual strength you receive from church. You deserve it. Get it.
Meanwhile, keep a journal, whether written or oral. Then go back and read it. You will be surprised at the blessings that come. Write down what you are praying for, then go back and record how the prayer was answered. I started doing that four years ago, and it has amazed me how many times a prayer was answered, and how many times I didn't notice the answers until I started actively looking for them. God will send you tender mercies daily. Look for them and record them. You will be surprised. Know that you are greatly loved. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Never give up.
JeanNovember 4, 2017
This is a good topic to think about. I fell last summer and had a compressed fracture in my back. I've never even had a broken bone before and was never incapacitated more than a couple weeks for any illness.
I have a lot of sympathy for people who are home bound because of their health. It took about 3 months before I could sit in Sacrament. I don't think people understand how important just a phone call or text can be when you mostly spend your time in bed. Most people are busy with their own lives and it isn't even in their thoughts to check on people who can't come to church. I felt I needed to forgive the other members for that was me in the past. I could still reach out and text and make my needs known to others. I could still pray and ask Heavenly Father for (emotional) strength and He was there. Even if your fellow ward members don't come through for you in the way you want, you can still have your needs met through Heavenly Father. You can have a closeness with Him that was never possible when you were healthy. There are things to learn through every experience we have in life.
JanetNovember 4, 2017
I do not want to be harsh, but the last thing this sister needs is another lecture by church leaders...or anyone else for that matter. I have had a little experience in this myself, as have many others.
But my next door neighbors have one of the most heartbreaking situations I have ever come upon. Not only are the kids terminally ill, but the mother suffers with Lupus among others things. Dr. Steurer, you might want to examine their situation for reference. By the way, they are active in the church in spite of their pain.
https://stoneswithfaircolors.blogspot.com
KirkNovember 4, 2017
Every Sunday as we partake of the Sacrament we are reminded to always remember the Savior and to keep his commandments. I've come to realize after similar experiences as this Sister that very few members keep the commandment to love their neighbor. The majority of LDS members serve only friends, family or people they like or feel comfortable around. When I hear stories like this it always reminds me of Mathew 25:31-46 the goats and sheep sadly most LDS members are goats very few are sheep or true followers of Christ and they will find they are on the left hand of God at judgment day.
RhianNovember 4, 2017
This was just what I needed today. Thank you.
Philip F HowesNovember 4, 2017
Thank you for the answer to the question and for the comments. It is indeed a situation that no-one can understand because every case is different. A couple of things I have noticed over the years. One kind Bishop allowed the husband to place a recliner in the chapel each Sunday. The Aaronic Priesthood boys moved it into the chapel from a storage area in the building. In another instance the Bishop authorized the husband to administer the sacrament. And in a third case, where the brother was able to operate a specially set up computer from his recliner, he was able to write letters to missionaries, to other ward members who were incapacitated, and to actually have a 'home teaching' round by email.
I hope that you can find increased joy as you explore ways in which you might be able to participate or feel that you are part of the congregation. Is sacrament meeting by skype a possibility? Could you even give a talk from your home ? Perhaps other readers could think of ideas that might help you feel included and help you to give to others. May the Lord bless you always.
ScottNovember 3, 2017
Wow. I know what you are going through... sort of. A year ago I went to the hospital for a really severe case of pneumonia. I had to have surgery to clean everything out. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. With the exception of my wife, very few people visited me, including my own family. I never got the sacrament while in the hospital, even though it was talked about. Recovery has not been smooth. Despite the heavy pain medication, I am in constant pain due to the nerve damage from the surgery (which was expected) and muscle spasms. Though physical therapy has helped, it has not alleviated the pain.
Even though it has been almost a year, I am still in constant pain, on disability, miss a lot of work, and only able to go to church maybe once every other month. It has been extraordinarily difficult, and painful. The physical pain is bad enough, but when you pile on top of that emotional pain, and the feelings like you have been abandoned, it can be unbearable! The average person cannot imagine what it is like, unless they have gone through it themselves.
No, I don't know what it is like to go through it for over twelve years, one year is bad enough! I do know, however, that my Savior is aware of me and my situation. He has made me aware of others in similar chronic pain situations. I can say I have learned a lot more about my Savior this last year, than I have in the last 40+ years that I have been a member of the Church.
Other than what people keep telling me, which is "Do not give up!", all I can say is, you are not alone. There are other people out there in similar situations, and that our Savior does know what people like you, me, and others are experiencing.
DebrahNovember 3, 2017
I remember once reading of a man totally paralized. His body was suspended from a large hoop that could be moved and rotated to keep him from getting bedsores. He wanted a service oportunity and was made the ward phone caller. He called for birthdays, telling people about things they needed fo know about for Scouts, Young Women and so on. I think somehow he was able to make calls by voice using a voice activated phone. That expanded my mind. I thought, surely I could find something I could do. Some ladies knit or crochet leper bandages. Make gift bags for service men, start an email group sending a thought each day and so on. If it makes another person happy, it is good enough!
Others may not have you disability, but everyone is a part of a flock of ducks. We float along the top of the water so gracefully, but look under the water and each calm looking duck is paddling like crazy just to keep on top.
AngelaNovember 3, 2017
This dear sister has my deepest sympathy because I too have been in a similar situation due to a psychogenic illness and was unable to attend church for several years. One of the things I learned that it was of no use waiting for people to come to me. They won't. Yes, I know that they should but in this day and age in particular people live such busy lives they lose sight of those in special need. I had to swallow my pride and reach out to my church leaders and make my needs known. For instance, your bishop has a sacred obligation to ensure that you receive the sacrament regularly so call him and make you need known to him. Nag him if necessary. Call your home teacher and make an appointment for him to visit you. Ask him for a priesthood blessing. Are there any others homebound ward members? Perhaps you could take the initiative in keeping in touch with them and put them in contact with each other, thus finding strength through shared experiences. It is difficult to deal with when other people fail to live up to our expectations, but try to be forgiving and constantly seek the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I'm not seeking to minimise your pain and distress, but it can be overcome. God bless you my dear sister, and may He give you comfort and strength.
SheilaNovember 3, 2017
That was a good attempt to reply to that issue from a person who has never experienced this issue. I know that people who have not experienced this, can not possibly understand it, but I don't think you completely heard her, as she said she had to leave the church in tears after a few minutes of being there, even before the opening song, because she was suffering so much; so she can't really go to service projects.
You also blamed her for not WANTING to reach out. That may not be the case. I am in this situation, and for years and years I reached out, called ward members just to chat and see how they are and be a listening ear and pray for them. I never once got a call from any of them, and when I was in the hospital or seriously ill, their promises of "Call me if you need me" were refused. I think it's the "Christian thing to say" , "Call me if you need me" and they pray you never actually ask. So I stopped calling and stopped asking. If they never call back, I am probably bothering them.
I have never even met my RS President who lives a block away. I am stuck at home on oxygen. This is an issue, although I know church members are overly busy and we are "out of sight, out of mind". Thanks for the attempt, though.
MicheleNovember 3, 2017
I applaud the writer as seeking support on this difficult issue. A close family member had concerns closer to this than mine, and is managing very well now. I think this is much more common these days, as convert numbers increase who have suffered early trauma, and teen to adult trauma has increased in these last days. I am the child of two adult children of alcoholics, took the 'lost child's place in the family, chose addiction myself and also suffered teenage and adult trauma. My last Bishop believed and supported me about then-current events in my life. The wards were consolidated a year and a half ago, and I spoke to my new Bishop. I eventually understood he is rather close to my husband, a source of some of my trials. Something else occured a year ago, which furthered my Bishop ignoring me, along with several leaders simultaneously. I became fully cognizant of it later and it's been a difficult period. After the initial shock and depression wore off, I've realized as the lost child I wait for others to make decisions, and I have a need to be visible to them. Eventually I chose to just be the person the Lord wants me to be, instead of confronting the Bishop or anyone else. I've come to understand I need to be visible to the Lord, not the leaders. I know the Lord is aware of me, and I take comfort in His tender mercies as I walk through this challenge. He wants us to succeed, and will guide us if we let Him.
ShareeNovember 3, 2017
If this woman's home teacher is her Stake President, why on earth does she not ask him (or have her husband ask) why he does not visit them. It is generally the home teachers who bring the sacrament to homebound people (that was who brought it to my mother when he was in her final years and could not attend). The Stake President should certainly be setting an example for others in his ward by doing his home teaching.
Comments | Return to Story
LeaniNovember 12, 2017
Fantastic article - question and answer. As some of the comments have reflected, this issue is common and affects a lot of us. Thank you to all, including comments, who have contributed to this article being published. I find it very valuable.
RonnieNovember 9, 2017
It is sad but true that many housebound members are neglected by leaders, visiting teachers, and home teachers so their spiritual and emotional needs are not addressed and they languish in despair. As an octagenarian recently diagnosed with dementia and also suffering from several disabling physical conditions that do not permit me to attend Church regularly, I also sense the same abandonment as does the sister in the story. The Church is true and the Gospel provides for visiting the sick and infirm as taught by the Saviour in Matthew 25:31-46, which is an excellent checklist for us Saints that have set our faces towards Zion and the Celestial Kingdom. Sometimes, just a pop-in visit will bring enough joy to last a week. We are to bless everyone and need not wait to be commanded in all things but be anxiously engaged in good causes. As Tiny Tim said, "God bless us, everyone!"
John Nicholson.November 9, 2017
I believe the Lord will understand if you don't go to Sacrament Meeting. If you are incapacitated, you are entitled to have the Sacrament come to you. Every ward has a portable Sacrament kit for just such a purpose: I,myself, have made frequently. I think a judicious phone call to your home teacher is in order, since he can make the arrangements for the Aaronic Priesthood to bring you the sacrament, but you have to ask. Heavenly Father, and his Son Jesus Christ understand your situation. After all, the Saviour died for you.
CarolineNovember 7, 2017
As always Brother Steurer's response was excellent. The quotes and advice he gave are keepers. If we don't use these experiences to develop a personal and meaningful relationship with our Savior and His Father, and understand that they will never never never let us down then no amount of visits from others will ever help. I was in the emergency room yesterday with my elderly mother who is blessed to have a large family to care for her, and had the blessed opportunity to visit with a man who is in his eighties and is the sole caregiver of his wife who has Alzeimers. He had the countenance of an angel and asked that we pray together, and we were able to discuss deeply spiritual things together because he is a good Christian who lets the Savior guide him. Then just moments ago I visited with my mother's neighbor who is also a caregiver to her husband with Alzeimers, and a devout Catholic whose only real help comes from God. On the other hand shame on us when we don't reach out more---we are all called to bear each other's burdens even when they might be difficult and "high maintenance and low yield" as Elder Maxwell once said. "Inasmuch as ye have done it....."---the fruits of our own feeble efforts of mercy and compassion are very rewarding. Years ago I observed that my Junior Sunday School children would often answer a question with "Jesus!" and I learned that He really is the answer to everything.
ViolaNovember 5, 2017
My heart goes out to all those in this situation, those who commented as well as the woman who originally wrote. No one but God truly knows your situation, but He does. There are so many who suffer quietly, and often they don't get the help they deserve, whether because others are negligent, or because they are suffering themselves from hidden problems. I don't have an answer except to assure you that the Savior knows you, He knows your pain and sorrow, because He has felt them himself. He is the only one who can give you comfort and relief. No matter what, don't let anyone else keep you from participating in church when you are able. If your movement or noises are distracting, sit at the back or in the mother's lounge. Never let someone else keep you from the spiritual nourishment you need. If you must stay home, find a way to let your husband get you the sacrament, and have your husband Skype the meetings to you. I won't tell you to do anything for anyone else, because i know what it's like to barely be able to keep my own head or even just my mouth above water. There are times when we must gain strength before trying to serve others. And there have been times when others have blithely told me to forget myself and serve. It was almost the last nail in my coffin. It caused nothing but despair. But I decided not to let others get between me and Heavenly Father. While others should be reaching out to you, you can never depend on that. But you deserve to make sure you get what you need. Don't let hurt feelings keep you from going to church when you can. No one else is important enough to keep you from the spiritual strength you receive from church. You deserve it. Get it. Meanwhile, keep a journal, whether written or oral. Then go back and read it. You will be surprised at the blessings that come. Write down what you are praying for, then go back and record how the prayer was answered. I started doing that four years ago, and it has amazed me how many times a prayer was answered, and how many times I didn't notice the answers until I started actively looking for them. God will send you tender mercies daily. Look for them and record them. You will be surprised. Know that you are greatly loved. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Never give up.
JeanNovember 4, 2017
This is a good topic to think about. I fell last summer and had a compressed fracture in my back. I've never even had a broken bone before and was never incapacitated more than a couple weeks for any illness. I have a lot of sympathy for people who are home bound because of their health. It took about 3 months before I could sit in Sacrament. I don't think people understand how important just a phone call or text can be when you mostly spend your time in bed. Most people are busy with their own lives and it isn't even in their thoughts to check on people who can't come to church. I felt I needed to forgive the other members for that was me in the past. I could still reach out and text and make my needs known to others. I could still pray and ask Heavenly Father for (emotional) strength and He was there. Even if your fellow ward members don't come through for you in the way you want, you can still have your needs met through Heavenly Father. You can have a closeness with Him that was never possible when you were healthy. There are things to learn through every experience we have in life.
JanetNovember 4, 2017
I do not want to be harsh, but the last thing this sister needs is another lecture by church leaders...or anyone else for that matter. I have had a little experience in this myself, as have many others. But my next door neighbors have one of the most heartbreaking situations I have ever come upon. Not only are the kids terminally ill, but the mother suffers with Lupus among others things. Dr. Steurer, you might want to examine their situation for reference. By the way, they are active in the church in spite of their pain. https://stoneswithfaircolors.blogspot.com
KirkNovember 4, 2017
Every Sunday as we partake of the Sacrament we are reminded to always remember the Savior and to keep his commandments. I've come to realize after similar experiences as this Sister that very few members keep the commandment to love their neighbor. The majority of LDS members serve only friends, family or people they like or feel comfortable around. When I hear stories like this it always reminds me of Mathew 25:31-46 the goats and sheep sadly most LDS members are goats very few are sheep or true followers of Christ and they will find they are on the left hand of God at judgment day.
RhianNovember 4, 2017
This was just what I needed today. Thank you.
Philip F HowesNovember 4, 2017
Thank you for the answer to the question and for the comments. It is indeed a situation that no-one can understand because every case is different. A couple of things I have noticed over the years. One kind Bishop allowed the husband to place a recliner in the chapel each Sunday. The Aaronic Priesthood boys moved it into the chapel from a storage area in the building. In another instance the Bishop authorized the husband to administer the sacrament. And in a third case, where the brother was able to operate a specially set up computer from his recliner, he was able to write letters to missionaries, to other ward members who were incapacitated, and to actually have a 'home teaching' round by email. I hope that you can find increased joy as you explore ways in which you might be able to participate or feel that you are part of the congregation. Is sacrament meeting by skype a possibility? Could you even give a talk from your home ? Perhaps other readers could think of ideas that might help you feel included and help you to give to others. May the Lord bless you always.
ScottNovember 3, 2017
Wow. I know what you are going through... sort of. A year ago I went to the hospital for a really severe case of pneumonia. I had to have surgery to clean everything out. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. With the exception of my wife, very few people visited me, including my own family. I never got the sacrament while in the hospital, even though it was talked about. Recovery has not been smooth. Despite the heavy pain medication, I am in constant pain due to the nerve damage from the surgery (which was expected) and muscle spasms. Though physical therapy has helped, it has not alleviated the pain. Even though it has been almost a year, I am still in constant pain, on disability, miss a lot of work, and only able to go to church maybe once every other month. It has been extraordinarily difficult, and painful. The physical pain is bad enough, but when you pile on top of that emotional pain, and the feelings like you have been abandoned, it can be unbearable! The average person cannot imagine what it is like, unless they have gone through it themselves. No, I don't know what it is like to go through it for over twelve years, one year is bad enough! I do know, however, that my Savior is aware of me and my situation. He has made me aware of others in similar chronic pain situations. I can say I have learned a lot more about my Savior this last year, than I have in the last 40+ years that I have been a member of the Church. Other than what people keep telling me, which is "Do not give up!", all I can say is, you are not alone. There are other people out there in similar situations, and that our Savior does know what people like you, me, and others are experiencing.
DebrahNovember 3, 2017
I remember once reading of a man totally paralized. His body was suspended from a large hoop that could be moved and rotated to keep him from getting bedsores. He wanted a service oportunity and was made the ward phone caller. He called for birthdays, telling people about things they needed fo know about for Scouts, Young Women and so on. I think somehow he was able to make calls by voice using a voice activated phone. That expanded my mind. I thought, surely I could find something I could do. Some ladies knit or crochet leper bandages. Make gift bags for service men, start an email group sending a thought each day and so on. If it makes another person happy, it is good enough! Others may not have you disability, but everyone is a part of a flock of ducks. We float along the top of the water so gracefully, but look under the water and each calm looking duck is paddling like crazy just to keep on top.
AngelaNovember 3, 2017
This dear sister has my deepest sympathy because I too have been in a similar situation due to a psychogenic illness and was unable to attend church for several years. One of the things I learned that it was of no use waiting for people to come to me. They won't. Yes, I know that they should but in this day and age in particular people live such busy lives they lose sight of those in special need. I had to swallow my pride and reach out to my church leaders and make my needs known. For instance, your bishop has a sacred obligation to ensure that you receive the sacrament regularly so call him and make you need known to him. Nag him if necessary. Call your home teacher and make an appointment for him to visit you. Ask him for a priesthood blessing. Are there any others homebound ward members? Perhaps you could take the initiative in keeping in touch with them and put them in contact with each other, thus finding strength through shared experiences. It is difficult to deal with when other people fail to live up to our expectations, but try to be forgiving and constantly seek the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I'm not seeking to minimise your pain and distress, but it can be overcome. God bless you my dear sister, and may He give you comfort and strength.
SheilaNovember 3, 2017
That was a good attempt to reply to that issue from a person who has never experienced this issue. I know that people who have not experienced this, can not possibly understand it, but I don't think you completely heard her, as she said she had to leave the church in tears after a few minutes of being there, even before the opening song, because she was suffering so much; so she can't really go to service projects. You also blamed her for not WANTING to reach out. That may not be the case. I am in this situation, and for years and years I reached out, called ward members just to chat and see how they are and be a listening ear and pray for them. I never once got a call from any of them, and when I was in the hospital or seriously ill, their promises of "Call me if you need me" were refused. I think it's the "Christian thing to say" , "Call me if you need me" and they pray you never actually ask. So I stopped calling and stopped asking. If they never call back, I am probably bothering them. I have never even met my RS President who lives a block away. I am stuck at home on oxygen. This is an issue, although I know church members are overly busy and we are "out of sight, out of mind". Thanks for the attempt, though.
MicheleNovember 3, 2017
I applaud the writer as seeking support on this difficult issue. A close family member had concerns closer to this than mine, and is managing very well now. I think this is much more common these days, as convert numbers increase who have suffered early trauma, and teen to adult trauma has increased in these last days. I am the child of two adult children of alcoholics, took the 'lost child's place in the family, chose addiction myself and also suffered teenage and adult trauma. My last Bishop believed and supported me about then-current events in my life. The wards were consolidated a year and a half ago, and I spoke to my new Bishop. I eventually understood he is rather close to my husband, a source of some of my trials. Something else occured a year ago, which furthered my Bishop ignoring me, along with several leaders simultaneously. I became fully cognizant of it later and it's been a difficult period. After the initial shock and depression wore off, I've realized as the lost child I wait for others to make decisions, and I have a need to be visible to them. Eventually I chose to just be the person the Lord wants me to be, instead of confronting the Bishop or anyone else. I've come to understand I need to be visible to the Lord, not the leaders. I know the Lord is aware of me, and I take comfort in His tender mercies as I walk through this challenge. He wants us to succeed, and will guide us if we let Him.
ShareeNovember 3, 2017
If this woman's home teacher is her Stake President, why on earth does she not ask him (or have her husband ask) why he does not visit them. It is generally the home teachers who bring the sacrament to homebound people (that was who brought it to my mother when he was in her final years and could not attend). The Stake President should certainly be setting an example for others in his ward by doing his home teaching.
ADD A COMMENT