I love the advice given in this article. I was adopted by my step dad at a very young age and wasn't told about my birth father until I was married at age 20. It's never good to be made to feel guilty for having questions or wanting to know your birth family.
You are so correct in your assessment of this. I was adopted by my dad, who married my mom after she and my biological father divorced. I had never met him. For many years I didn't know that I was adopted until my older brother one day told me that our dad wasn't our real dad. I spent the next many decades trying to find my biological dad. I found him when I was in my 40s. I wanted to know all about them. I wanted to close the circle like you say. In the end though my life is drawn back to my own family. The family I grew up with. I love my dad for the experiences we shared when I grew up. I loved the camping, and fishing, and hunting, and the horses (he was a cowboy). I know much about my biological family and it is part of who I am. I am grateful I found him. I am grateful for knowing them, but they are not my family. Let him go and he will come back. He will remember all the things that you did for him and those will be the valuable things in his life. Also it is really critical that you never say anything negative about them. If you do you will make him draw closer to them and will cause him to see you negatively. It is hard I am sure but it is so important that you support him and love him. That is all you can do. His curiosity will be met, his needs will be met and he will come back to you.
Great advice in this article. My husband adopted my two children whose father never had the time of day for them when they were little. I remarried when they were 4 and 6-years old and my husband adopted them 2-year's later because their father never contributed to their support and willingly signed them over for adoption. Thirty-four year's passed without contact, and my daughter passed away. Their natural father showed up for the viewing and I didn't recognize him (I was embarrassed by his appearance). It has been 13-year's since her passing and my son's father is now trying to push his way into his families life. I've tried to be understanding but its difficult. He has connected with two of his six additional half brother's and sister's of which I'm supportive as I know how much he misses his own sister.
My son speaks fondly and respectfully of his dad, who he praises for all the love and support he gave him and the many lessons he taught him. As to his father, whom he calls the sperm donor, he tries to ignore his attempts to spend time with them. He says he has no respect or feelings for him, but is grateful to have a relationship with his two sisters and their families. They saw a lot of each other in the beginning, but they only see each other two or three times a year now.
To this mother and father I say try not to be offended by the time your son wants to spend with his other family, once the newness wears off he'll be back and possibly more grateful than ever that you adopted him and are so supportive of his needs.
Thank you for your article on this tender subject. We have two adopted children. I have been through the same situation as the parents of the subject in your story. May I share another perspective. Our adopted son is 30. He did not have contact with his biological parents growing up. Now as an adult, I celebrate all contact for him with his birth mother. I view her as a gift. She gave me the gift to raise this amazing son. I honor her for that hard, painful choice she had to make. Now in adulthood he can connect with her and receive more love and connection. In my opinion, love is not diminished when given to someone else, it is multiplied. The more one loves, the more love one has to give. Nothing can ever replace my relationship with my son. It is unique to us. We have built it though years of experiences, joy, heartache and love. His newfound relationship will be built on different experiences with her to enhance his life. If I end up in the wings for a time and he his happy and progressing, then I am happy for him. His happiness and joy is my first concern. I have the same feelings for his birth mother. We are both his mothers. I do not diminish her role either. I love her too. I hope to have a dear and wonderful relationship with her as well, however, that is not what she wants. As long as the relationship with his birth mother is healthy, then the more love and connection he feels, the more love he will have for our relationship. I see him growing and flourishing. He has a wonderful beautiful wife, and very connected relationship with both of his "mothers"'. That is joy to me.
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